just thinking: there is Slim Fast, the diet shake, and then, during Ramadan, Muslim fasting during the day. So why isn’t there product called MuSlim Fast?
MARK WIBERG
My brilliant thoughts about current, past, and future events. You are welcome.
Tagged with humor …
If I Were A Horrible Headline Writer…
if I were a horrible headline writer….
“ACORN Goes Nuts Over Videos!”
Raise Up Off these Nuts, Acorn Rep says”
Dude Who Married One-Legged Gold-Digger Releases Rock Band Video Game”
“Ex-Prez Says Peanut Butter Hates Chocolate”
slow night, but these came to mind so I thought I’d post ‘em.
Uncovered! Partial transcript of Barack Obama’s birth delivery!
(so I was trolling the internet and discovered, through my ultra-sick computer skills, a document that appears to be an excerpt of a transcript of what occurred in the delivery room where Obama was born…)
AUGUST 4, 1961,Kapiolani Maternity & Gynecological Hospital.:
NURSE: Push!
STANLEY (Obama’s mother): I am!
NURSE: I said push, you American woman, you!
STANLEY: I am pushing. I’m pushing my American baby out in this Hawaiin hospital!
BARACK, SR: Hurry up, or I’m gonna miss My Three Sons. That is an American show I love to watch.
NURSE: Push, lady!
STANLEY: I’m trying!
BARACK, SR: I’m calling the newspaper!
STANLEY: Wait! First fix that American flag we hung up over there on the wall.
BARACK, SR: Sure will! I am so glad my little baby is being born just 2 years after this great state joined the United States.
NURSE: Almost there. I can see the head. Looks American! It’s a boy! An American boy, born in Hawaii!
STANLEY: I want me some apple pie!!
(credit mark wiberg) – this is just a joke birthers, and anti-birthers. the real transcript is locked up in my trapper-keeper.
What Will Happen in 2009 – Brilliant Predictions!
Here are my predictions for 2009. For every one I get right, please pay me through paypal. thanks.
1. An underrated NFL team will win the Superbowl in February.
2. Some old actor or actress will pass away.
3. Really bad weather will hit a state and cause damage.
4. The stock market will go up or down.
5. Radios will continue to work.
6. Iphone will be upgraded.
7. Someone will sue Myspace and/or Facebook.
8. A bigtime news reporter or anchor will be fired or not show up to work for two days due to illness.
9. McDonalds will discontinue the Big Mac, but only for a second, and nobody will notice. This will happen sometime in May or November.
10. Everyone in the United States will catch ‘hockey fever’ and be captivated by the Stanley Cup Playoffs.
11. The NBC show E.R. will end it’s television run but will continue on the internet’s www.funnyordie.com, with new actors, and a different premise and title.
12. A United States Senator or Representative will be caught in a murder/love/shoplifting triangle.
13. Some households will continue to ban dogs because of allergies. At least that’s the excuse the parents will give their kids.
Joe Biden vs. Sarah Palin – Debate Preview, Answers to Debate Questions!
The two brightest people in America will go at it on Thursday, October 2, 2008 – they will match wits, trade barbs, be wily. But enough about Andy vs Dwight from “The Office!” (NBC is so in the tank for Andy Bernard, it makes me sick. They should just let Dwight win Angela!).
The other event – Joe Versus the Barracuda. Spoiler alert: America wins! Because I have been following for, oh, about twenty days, I think I can provide expert analysis on this whole debate thing between the Veeps (veeps is insider talk for VP which stands for Vice Prez, which stands for Vice President).
Biden plans to leave half his IQ back in Delaware, "because," he says "he want's the debate to be close."
Sarah Palin will be wearing – just joking!!!! I’m not going to describe what a female politician is wearing because that would be sexist. As long as she looks hot, then I’m all good with whatever she says. Joe Biden will be wearing the same suit he wore in 1972 when he left his lucrative one-year career as a lawyer and traded down to be a politician.
The debate will start with lame thank yous to the host, the audience and the building hosting the debate. Except Sarah Palin will say “thanks, but no thanks” to an offer of a glass of water.
The “moderator,” Gwen Ifill, will ask a series of incredibly stupid questions. Both candidates will answer them with their standard campaign-rally answers. But HERE, on this site, is a preview to some of their answers. I won’t give away the questions. I’ll let you hear those on Thursday night.
EXCERPTS OF ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS YOU’LL HEAR ON THURSDAY NIGHT:
Biden: “I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one of them.” (the crowd will oooh and aaah – the next morning Jay-Z’s record label will file a suit against Obama-Biden).
Palin: Biden, Hemingway called, he wants you back in that boat and on the sea pronto!”
Biden: I know foreign policy. I’ve been everywhere. When you’re from Delaware, you want to travel! (the next day, Delaware Chamber of Commerce files a lawsuit against Biden).
Palin: I read newspapers. Both sides. And I have seen all three Bourne movies, so, please, I know foreign policy.
Biden: I didn’t hear the question, Gwen. I was busy admiring my last answer.
Palin: My favorite SNL skit this season? Oh, I’d say the one with the Joe Biden parody. Oh, you say that hasn’t happened yet. Interesting…
Palin: Hillary Clinton is a woman with 18 million cracks.
Biden: My wife is one of those cracks. One of the good ones. (the next day, his wife files for divorce)
The debate will end with a handshake – between “moderator” Gwen Ifill and Joe Biden. She will nod to him like “see, I told you and O that I was gonna do you a solid.” Biden will act like he knows what she meant but later will ask Obama – “what’s a solid?” He will say “it’s like a favor,” but Biden will still feel like it means something else and remain suspicious of his exotic partner and politician.
Andy Bernard and Dwight Schrute, American heroes.
My conversation with Treasury Sec’y Henry Paulson Regarding Debt
As everyone knows, Henry Paulson is the Secretary of Treasury, and a banned candidate from the MacArthur Fellows Program (aka ‘ “Genius Grant”). And he’s been busy this week convincing everyone that saving these big loser banks is vital. Apparently he doesn’t think the Economy should be in one of those FAIL photo threads that are shared in emails around the world and if I had more time or interest, I would make one up.
Hey, guess who is not getting a "Genius Grant?"
Instead, I got Mr. Paulson on the phone, because I owe some money and I wanted to see if I could get it included in the bailout.
Mark Wiberg: Hi, Secretary of Treasury Paulson?
Henry Paulson: Call me HP.
Mark: Are you sure? Like the computer?
HP: Yes. Please. HP.
MW: Okay, HP. Hey, before I begin – you are the top dog at the Treasury Department, right?
HP: Yes I am.
MW: Did you see that movie National Treasure?
HP: I did, on an airplane some time ago.
MW: Is any of that true? Maybe we could use that treasure to help with the bailout? That stuff looked pretty real. It’s up in New York, I think, under Wall Street.
HP: (laughs) Yeah, sure it is. I don’t think that’s going to happen.
MW: What about National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets’ treasure?
HP: Again, I don’t think that the movies were entirely accurate in regards to the vasts amounts of treasure found.
MW: I dunno. I would maybe take a look at those movies again. It seems pretty accurate to me. Where did you go to film school?
HP: I didn’t go to film school.
MW: I see. Bad reel?
HP: What?
MW: Nothing. Listen, HP, I owe several thousand dollars to some very important people because I just had to have every DVD ever made and a kick-ass television that is so friggin’ flat and hi-def that’s it’s just sick. I thought they were all going to increase in value because sometimes DVDs go out of print and you can make like an extra $70 sometimes on a disc. It’s all pretty complicated business investment stuff tied in with major companies like Ebay and Burger King – I don’t have time to explain it – I just need action now. Can I lump my debt in with the big boys. Out of $700 billion, my money is like a drop in the ocean.
HP: I think we can help you out. And by “we” I mean everyone.
MW: Cool. Hey, can I ask you another question?
HP: Sure.
MW: Treasure of the Sierra Madre. Any chance that could help us?
HP: I don’t think so.
MW: Whatevers. I’m just saying “think outside the box” – if you’re going to pay off my debts, I want to make sure you do it in a responsible way, that you think of everything. But just make it quick!
Secretary Henry Paulson denies that the treasure from the film National Treasure could be of any use. I think he is a liar.
