Bill Clinton and Porn Stars – “I’m Here to Fix your Cable”

Nobody is that surprised by Bill Clinton taking a photo with two lovely ladies of the adult film industry who just happened to be same party in Monaco. What are the odds? But according to TMZ, the ex-Prez asked to meet the two. That is totally surprising! By that I mean surprising that he asked to be introduced BEFORE mauling them with his potus hands and dick. It seems he’s learning manners.

By the way, “TMZ” stands for Thirty Mile Zone so I’m not sure why they are breaking their guidelines to carry this story – I hope this is brought up at the next editorial board meeting.

“one at a time, ladies”

The gals reportedly (not) said they would have stepped closer to him but were afraid to catch whatever std might be had by the Prez, famous for his Oval Office speed dating.

My official jokes that are probably are out there:

1. Bill said “did somebody order a pizza” and then proceeded to bite his lower lip while unbuttoning his jacket.

2. Bill’s cardiologist saw this image and said “ahh, man, I hope he survives”

3.  Bill said “Blue Dress!”

4. Bill went back to his hotel room and ordered porn (but not on the tv).

What’s most telling about the photo above is that we cannot see if he’s wearing his pants. I’m guessing he isn’t. It’s that kind of a party.

I went to a Presidential Inauguration once…

Barack Obama is going to become president and his inauguration is THE most important thing ever to happen, if you watch/listen the cable news anchors. 50 million people are going to show up in DC on January 20th and watch the inauguration.  Probably the planet will tilt off its axis because so many followers will converge onto that part of the globe for this occasion. But, guess what?

They’ll wish they stayed home.

Yes, it’s history. It’s a must see. But I went to an inauguration in 1996 for Clinton when I lived in Washington DC as a grad student, because how often does one get a chance to see an inauguration, right? Once was enough, I think. First, it was cold (I think mid-20s). Second, you had to arrive early if you wanted a good spot (that is, a ‘good spot’ in a bad location, a pre-assigned roped off section, indicated by your Inauguration card). So, there at 7:30 am in the morning, and you’re on your feet for the next 6 hours. Nearly everyone is positioned about 10 miles from the stage.  Unless you are Michelle Obama, Rahm Emanuel, or Rick Warren, that is, and have a ticket to row 1. Seriously, there’s a few ‘up close with seats’ sections and I wasn’t offered one of those seats – you gotta be somebody to be in that section (the only consolation is that those special people are just as cold as you).

It's, uh, gonna be cold.
It's, uh, gonna be cold.

I compare it to going to a professional football game. You get the wrong seats, and you don’t know what is going on at the game and you end up watching the jumbotron for 3 hours instead. Football is great on television, but lousy, sometimes, in person. Same goes for the Inauguration. When I was at Bill Clinton’s inauguration, I could barely make out Hillary Clinton, so that’s saying something, cuz I think she was wearing some ugly dress. And I have no idea what Bill Clinton said at that inauguration. Or anybody else, for that matter. Maya Angelou was there. I Know I Why the Caged Bird Froze to Death, I think was the name of her poem. I don’t know if Monica was in town at that time, but I bet she watched it on television.

So, I’m just saying: If you can’t make the inauguration – don’t feel too bad. Sleep in, make some breakfast, and watch it on television. Just know that the people down there will be excited to be there. And they will have serious nose-drip and watery eyes from the cold weather, and their feet will be freezing, and all the Starbucks coffee the world won’t make it any more comfortable.

And I didn’t go into the traffic nightmare!

DNC, night 3, wrap up! Clinton, Biden! part 1

Bill Clinton totally gave his all, didn’t he? But I’m a little disappointed that the man from Hope didn’t bring up the issue that is most pressing: Spaghetti Cat.

If the Democrats, and Bill Clinton, don’t want to deal with Spaghetti Cat, then I guess the Republicans will. I’m just saying.

What did Bill say tonight? Here goes:

“Hey, America. It’s good to be here, a mile high, surrounded by supporters, the ones I love and the ones who love me, and, of course, my wife Hillary. You’re all my BFFs, as the college kids of today say. Hey America, sit down – I have a heart condition and can’t stand here forever. S’down!

I’m here tonight to tell you to vote for Barack Hussein Obama. I’m not here to discourage voters to vote for Barack Hussein Obama – just as I wouldn’t discourage you to vote for someone named Peter Hitler Smith. No way. No McCain!

Obama is a man who many say is experienced and ready for the job. And I agree that many actually say that, so that is why I’m here tonight – to tell you that many in our party think he can do the job and that’s important, if you believe them or whatever.

And what about Joe Biden? What a guy. Hillary was gonna pick him, y’know? Yeah – totally was gonna pick him as veep. You know what I’m talking about. 18 million of you out there know. And you all know I’m from Hope, Arkansas, which is in the United States. In the heartland, but I don’t get me wrong, I don’t go back there unless I have to. But, Obama – Obama says he’s from Hawaii and that’s good enough for me. So, get out there and vote, and if things don’t go our way, we’ll know we tried, or something. And remember, Don’t Stop Thinking About Tomorrow, or 2012, whichever one – tomorrow or 2012 – it’s all the same. TTYL.