Joe Biden vs. Sarah Palin – Debate Preview, Answers to Debate Questions!

The two brightest people in America will go at it on Thursday, October 2, 2008 – they will match wits, trade barbs, be wily. But enough about Andy vs Dwight from “The Office!” (NBC is so in the tank for Andy Bernard, it makes me sick. They should just let Dwight win Angela!).

The other event – Joe Versus the Barracuda. Spoiler alert: America wins! Because I have been following for, oh, about twenty days, I think I can provide expert analysis on this whole debate thing between the Veeps (veeps is insider talk for VP which stands for Vice Prez, which stands for Vice President).

Biden plans to leave half his IQ back in Delaware "to make it fair," he says.
Biden plans to leave half his IQ back in Delaware, "because," he says "he want's the debate to be close."

Sarah Palin will be wearing – just joking!!!! I’m not going to describe what a female politician is wearing because that would be sexist. As long as she looks hot, then I’m all good with whatever she says. Joe Biden will be wearing the same suit he wore in 1972 when he left his lucrative one-year career as a lawyer and traded down to be a politician.

The debate will start with lame thank yous to the host, the audience and the building hosting the debate. Except Sarah Palin will say “thanks, but no thanks” to an offer of a glass of water.

The “moderator,” Gwen Ifill, will ask a series of incredibly stupid questions. Both candidates will answer them with their standard campaign-rally answers. But HERE, on this site, is a preview to some of their answers. I won’t give away the questions. I’ll let you hear those on Thursday night.

EXCERPTS OF ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS YOU’LL HEAR ON THURSDAY NIGHT:

Biden: “I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one of them.” (the crowd will oooh and aaah – the next morning Jay-Z’s record label will file a suit against Obama-Biden).

Palin: Biden, Hemingway called, he wants you back in that boat and on the sea pronto!”

Biden: I know foreign policy. I’ve been everywhere. When you’re from Delaware, you want to travel! (the next day, Delaware Chamber of Commerce files a lawsuit against Biden).

Palin: I read newspapers. Both sides. And I have seen all three Bourne movies, so, please, I know foreign policy.

Biden: I didn’t hear the question, Gwen. I was busy admiring my last answer.

Palin: My favorite SNL skit this season? Oh, I’d say the one with the Joe Biden parody. Oh, you say that hasn’t happened yet. Interesting…

Palin: Hillary Clinton is a woman with 18 million cracks.

Biden: My wife is one of those cracks. One of the good ones. (the next day, his wife files for divorce)

The debate will end with a handshake – between “moderator” Gwen Ifill and Joe Biden. She will nod to him like “see, I told you and O that I was gonna do you a solid.” Biden will act like he knows what she meant but later will ask Obama – “what’s a solid?” He will say “it’s like a favor,” but Biden will still feel like it means something else and remain suspicious of his exotic partner and politician.

Andy Bernard and Dwight Schrute, American heroes.
Andy Bernard and Dwight Schrute, American heroes.
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Joe Biden: Why Can’t I Be Smeared!

Late Friday night, Delaware-not-Pennsylvania Senator and vice-presidential candidate Joe Biden complained to the press that absolutely nobody was investigating him. He admitted he was extremely disappointed that the McCain campaign had yet to send a team of lawyers to his home state to research his activities.

I wont be ignored. Senator Joe Biden wants his time in the spotlight to make a gaffe.
"I won't be ignored." Senator Joe Biden wants his time in the spotlight to make a gaffe.

“I have skeletons in my closet, people. I have a high IQ, so my skeletons are very smart. The closet is unlocked, too. Please, pick up the phone, find something out about me. I’m a baaad guy.”

Despite hundreds of hours of media spent on the Republican vice-presidential canddiate, Sarah Palin, Barack Obama’s choice has barely registered with the American voter.

“Give me time, and I promise, I will make a gaffe or say something so inappropriate that you’ll wonder why I’m not in prison. I’m a gaffe-making-machine – just turn me on!”

Biden said if needed, he would buy air time to reveal some of his awful decisions made while a U.S. Senator for over 30 years.

“I will pay to be smeared. That’s how serious I am about winning the vice-presidency.

“I’ve been here forever, and believe me, in what little I’ve done, there are plenty of scratch-your-head moments. Did you know I voted for the United States to bomb Canada during the Stanley Cup finals? I did. I’m a total f*ck up. Just look into it, for Chrissakes!”

Barack Obama couldn’t be reached for comment, according to his advisors. “He’s too busy emailing his suporters. Something John McCAin cannot do.”

Joe Biden: I love Me Some Pig – don’t listen to the other guy

Today Joe Biden condemned his fellow Senator’s remarks, referring to Sarah Palin as a pig with lipstick.

“Let’s just get one thing clear. I love pigs. With or without lipstick. Barack doesn’t and I don’t know why. He’s weird, okay.”

I cant believe Im on this ticket
Joe hearts Pigs

BONUS MATERIAL: Predictable, extremist commentary: You know who else doesn’t like pigs? Muslims! Oh MY GOD! That’s proof that Barack is a muslim!!!!!! He doesn’t like pigs, aka Pork!!!!! I am totally forwarding this to my friends.

Joe Biden and Lobbyist Son Hunter at the Dinner Table

Last month, Joe Biden’s Senate office spokesperson said the following about his son, Hunter Biden, who is a lawyer/lobbyists for several companies.

“Hunter Biden does not lobby and has not lobbied Senator Biden’s office,” Alexander said in an e-mail. “Our rules are dictated by the Senate ethics bill, and we follow it by the letter.” Alexander said she knew of no favors done for the son’s clients.”

But doubts were raised when a transcript was released several days later, as Hunter Biden visited his father’s home for Sunday dinner.

TRANSCRIPT:

Joe Biden: How is your work going, son?

Hunter Biden: Please don’t ask that, dad. I don’t want to cause any conflicts of interest.

JB: I understand. Can you pass me the salt?

HB: I can pass that salt, if you can pass the mustard.

JB: But there isn’t any mustard on the table.

(brief silence)

JB: Oh, yes, of course. I’ll pass that soon. It will get passed.

HB: Thank you dad. I love mustard. My friends back at the firm love mustard.

JB: I’ll pass it, don’t worry. Man, this mooseburger is delicious.

HB: Why are we having moose burgers? They taste awful.

JB: It’s a long story, but apparently the other side is going to pick some hockey mom from Alaska and the One – excuse me, Senator Obama – thought I’d should do some research on the folks up there – y’know, see what the eat, what they drink, that sorta thing. Hey, what do you think of my new hair?

HB: Not bad, dad. You look like a million bucks. Or at least a quarter of a million dollars.

JB: Is that all?

HB: Well, you might look like a little more, but it depends. I’d have to ask my colleagues. I’m still new at judging hair.

JB: You ask them. I’ll bet they see that I look like at least half a million bucks. I mean, this is great hair!

HB: I agree, but it isn’t doing that much lately.

JB: It will soon. This hair will do things for you, believe me. Tell your friends that. Now, can you pour me some more of that arctic icewater?

END TRANSCRIPT

A 2004 photograph shows close ties between Joe Biden and lobbyist Hunter Biden (who is on one side or the other of Joe - does it matter?)
A 2004 photograph shows close ties between Joe Biden and lobbyist Hunter Biden (who is on one side or the other of Joe - does it matter?)

Sarah Palin – One Heartbeat Away From Presidency? Probably Not. How Presidents Die In Office

A semi-serious post:

All week long, the world wrings its hand and thinks “if John McCain wins, Sarah Palin will be one heart beat away from the Presidency!!! OMG!

A review of Wikipedia’s page on Presidents Who Died In Office, indicates that Presidents generally don’t die by first losing their heart beat, ie ‘heart attack’, but by other, more preventable methods!

Four were assassinated (Lincoln, Garfield, McKinley, Kennedy), one died from pneumonia (Harrison), and another from gastroentitis (Taylor). Franklin Delano Roosevelt died from a cerebral hemorrhage.

Warren G. Harding was the only one, it seems, who died in office of a heart attack in 1923. Four presidents have been assassinated while in office, so that is a concern. But nobody goes around saying “If John McCain wins, Sarah Palin will be one bullet away or one uncooked steak away from the Presidency!! OMG!” because that would be tacky.

When he wasnt playing MurderBall at the White House basketball court, FDR was running the country
When he wasn't playing MurderBall at the White House basketball court, FDR was running the country. He died in 1945 from a cerebral hemorrhage, ending the longest presidency in U.S. history.

So, the chances any president is going to die while in office is slim to none. Joe Biden or Sarah Palin will just have to sit back, attend funerals and stay awake during the President’s State of the Union speeches.

And remember, this person is TWO heart attacks away from the presidency! OMG!:

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi sends pizzas and cheesburgers everyday to the offices of the current President and Vice-President.
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi sends pizzas, bacon cheesburgers, and donuts everyday to the offices of the current President and Vice-President.

Joe Biden – Private Sector Employment History Revealed! Young, Dumb, and Full Of

In a two minute investigative report using the internets, mostly Wikipedia, vice-presidential candidate Joe Biden’s private sector employment history was revealed, providing a stunning insight into the Delaware Senator, listed here:

1. Practiced Law in 1969.

1969 Employee of the Year
1969 Employee of the Year at Biden Law Offices

In 1970, Joe Biden was elected to a County Council position, and from there, went on to represent in the U.S. Senate, effectively ending his private sector employment history.

Even more impressive, Joe Biden currently lists his net worth between $59,000 and $366,000, making him one of the poorest current Senators. As one unnamed Senator put it: “Biden has done the impossible: he’s managed to be in the U.S. Senate for 30 years and not get rich. What a loser.”

Biden explained his financial situation to my imaginary friend. “I didn’t go to Washington to get rich. I went there to work. And, yes, had I known I could have made loads of money in D.C., I would have. For sure. I was young, dumb, and full of cumulative blue collar experiences that I thought I could use to help the public.”

Obama: “We’re Not Going to Be Bullied!” Reality Responds: “Um, Yes You Are.”

Bon Jovi superfan and presidential candidate Barack Obama today said that his campaign “would not be bullied.” He issued this statement at a Bon Jovi concernt, in front of dozens of NJ residents.

Obama can hear music five miles away
Obama can hear music 5 miles away.

When asked to name his favorite Bon Jovi song, Obama responded: “Living On A Prayer, of course. A Christian prayer, by the way, because I am a Christian and nothing else.”

In 2004, Bon Jovi helped John Kerry all the way to 2nd Place in the Presidential contest!
In 2004, rocker Bon Jovi helped John Kerry all the way to 2nd Place in the Presidential contest!

Obama added that they were not going to be smeared or lied about.

The McCain / Palin campaign responded quickly. “Once again, Barack Obama is wrong. He was wrong on the war, wrong on the surge, and he is wrong at the Bon Jovi concert. He will, in fact, be bullied, smeared, and lied about. That’s what we do and that’s what they do. It’s called politics and, like making sausage, it gets kinda ugly.”

Later, a reporter was able to ask vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin what her favorite Bon Jovi song was, and she responded without hesitation. “Thank You For Loving Me.”

Sarah Palin - Slippery When Wet? Or just a Blaze of Glory?
Sarah Palin - Slippery When Wet? Or just a Blaze of Glory?

Other candidates weighed in.

Joe Biden: “No idea who Bon Jovi is, sorry.”

John McCain: “Let me get back to you on this. I have seven of their albums, I’m just not sure which ones.”