I was posting some funny (maybe) jokes on FB the past week because my life is so damn awesome. I am posting them here so as to reach that one person in Brazil or France who finds my site.
1. Mad Max Fury Road was written/directed by a 70 year old. Last time I saw a 70 year-old involved with so many crazy car crashes I was at the Rite Aid parking lot. #madmaxpharmacyroad
2. in the film Mad Max: Fury Road, Max has to drive across a desert wasteland with 5 women. Do you know how many bathroom stops that is?
3. in the film Mad Max: Fury Road, Max has to drive across a desert wasteland with 5 women. that’s 5 women yelling at him “Do you even KNOW where you are going? did you even read the map!?” #1001madmaxjokesrighthere
4. thanks to Mad Max: Fury Road, when I see a truck hauling gasoline now I undo my seatbelt and begin crawling out of my car so that I can leap and take possession of all that fuel. #madmark
6 (final). in the movie Mad Max: Fury Road, the main character….the main character is all….wait!…shit I can’t think of another mad max joke. I had a good run with those. According to FB, my Mad Max jokes reached over 9 people, which is, I think, the definition of ‘going viral’, so thank you. With the ad revenue generated from those joke posts, I’ve earned enough to visit Gas Town. And I don’t mean Taco Bell! (ha ha, suckas – you didn’t think I had another Mad Max joke – get outta here – never stop, never surrender)
That’s it – some clever, probably obvious jokes about THE best movie of the year so far – Mad Max: Fury Road.
Here’s a photo related to Mad Max: Fury Road (because I know people like photos)
this is what it sometimes feels like doing stand-up comedy
This video by Red Letter media asks a lot of questions I have about the film Prometheus, the sorta prequel to the Alien movies.
I enjoyed the movie and the ‘big’ questions it poses near the end, but I am frustrated with the characters’ actions, which are, of course, necessary for a alien/horror/thriller (If everyone acted as they should, the film might be BORING!).
But in addition to some of the inconsistencies brought up in the video above, there are:
1) With their security cameras, could they not see that the ‘geologist’/security guy was folded like a pretzel in front of the big door. Doesn’t anyone say “holy shit, Fred is back, he’s dead, and it looks like someone folded him up like a lawn chair!” No. Instead, they open the door, and hell breaks loose. Again, a flame thrower? I’m not an expert but does a gas-propelled weapon run any risk of not operating correctly in an alien atmosphere?
2) The Girl With The Dragon Baby – I know there’s a reason for the ‘surgery box’ to be only for male patients (as it was funded/built for Mr. Weyland) but that was incredibly idiotic because what if at one point Mr. Weyland wanted to have a sex change? Of course, Lisbet Salander Elizabeth Shaw (Noomi Rapace) fixes her baby problem in the end and recovers faster than any patient, as moments later she’s outrunning a falling ship. No co-pay!
3) Is there ever an alien pregnancy that isn’t on hyperdrive? One could argue that an advance/prehistoric alien race needs a quick turnaround on the babymaking venture, but one day? What books do they write for these Aliens? What To Expect When You’re Expecting Oh Look It’s A Boy Who Is Now Bigger Than You and Wants To Rip Your Face Off? A mother knows….
4) The video mentions it above but the two assholes who die first deserve it. They acted no better than the morons in Piranha. These are scientists!? I guess anybody can get a college degree. The ship lands on the planet and everyone is totally chill about landing next to an alien structure (what luck!). This is when you need the Spielberg ‘ooooohhh’ faces that he’s famous for. Nobody was impressed and instead they hop on their ATV (electric vehicles? how does a gas engine operate in a different atmosphere? I don’t know. just asking) and motor out there without any security or plan.
5) Outrunning a storm. I liked that scene when I saw it in every. Mars. movie. ever. made. Even in MI:4 (non-Mars movie) with Tom Cruise. I half-expected Ethan Hunt to come out of the storm on a camel and pass everyone up. Alien Planet storms are overdone. Maybe next time they can bring a weatherman on board or next time the robot David can study up on their targeted planet’s 5 Day Forecast.
6) Charlize Theron – what was her purpose? She played no roll in the movie’s plots except to walk up and down the halls of the ship Prometheus and stand around in a white-hot jumpsuit. The movie would have rolled out the same without her. And is she a robot? I guess that was answered when she was too stupid to dodge the slowly falling ship. Aeon Flux, she ain’t.
7) Guy Pearce as the old man. What a waste. Why even credit the role? Somebody black goop his agent.
8) the Independence Day problem – Another alien movie, and another computer operating system that is wholly accessible to humans (this time, via David the robot – how convenient. In no time flat he’s shuffling through the alien database like he’s at dominos.com ordering a two topping pizza). And holograms (!) to tell us what happened in the past., but only show the last two minutes of activity, like some 7-11 store cam??
9) Super buff but modest aliens. We get it. Advanced beings like to work out and eat low-fat, but still find the need to cover up. Why didn’t this dope just pour the stuff in the water instead of ingest it? What a show off all around.
10) Where was the cool soundtrack from the trailer (the sound from the last minute of this trailer – I don’t recall it being in the movie – maybe David took it?)
11) Did we get all the races represented in this movie? No, sorry!! Maybe next time! What did we have?
Black guy – check (and stereotypically lackadaisical and horny, redeeming himself at the end because how else is he’s going to return to Earth that he made it but that everyone else died, right?).
Asian pilot dude (Mr. NoName) who joins in the kamikaze ending- check.
White males – greedy know-it-alls.
White females – bitchy and cold.
Yes, I will see the sequel.
UPDATE: I’ve opened up Comments – feel free to leave your opinions on the movie!
Hi readers. The other day I saw a commercial for this new film called Big Miracle, where some people saved some whales. Not to be confused with the film where some people help a dolphin. Not too be confused with the film where some girl helps some birds. Not to be confused with the film where some people buy a zoo. Not to be confused where a guy loves his pain-in-the-ass dog so much. Not to be confused with a kid who saves another whale. Twice. Not to be confused with some dude braving battle to get his horse. Not to be confused with this kid and her friend, the seal. Or this kid and his dolphin. And so on.
WE GET IT! Humans helping Animals! Each film makes about $12 million dollars opening weekend but goes on to make billions on home video sales only because they aren’t cartoons. Parents are sick of cartoons so to have a dvd with a real live human is a monumental feat. There are enough films out there now. So, if you have saved a bird, or a monkey, or a turtle, or have a grumpy cat that you save from the electric chair, keep that story to yourself! Don’t get an agent and sell your story. Just scrapbook it and share with your friends and family.
This is the only animal/human story that interest me:
Don LaFontaine, who did the voice-over work for many movie previews, died Monday. Rumors he voiced the trailer for the Oliver Stone pic “W” are not yet made up. But let’s say he did, and if he did, it might start off like this:
In a world where one person can make a difference in the lives of many, one person did. Only, everybody on the planet didn’t want him to make a difference…