Joe Biden vs. Sarah Palin – Debate Preview, Answers to Debate Questions!

The two brightest people in America will go at it on Thursday, October 2, 2008 – they will match wits, trade barbs, be wily. But enough about Andy vs Dwight from “The Office!” (NBC is so in the tank for Andy Bernard, it makes me sick. They should just let Dwight win Angela!).

The other event – Joe Versus the Barracuda. Spoiler alert: America wins! Because I have been following for, oh, about twenty days, I think I can provide expert analysis on this whole debate thing between the Veeps (veeps is insider talk for VP which stands for Vice Prez, which stands for Vice President).

Biden plans to leave half his IQ back in Delaware "to make it fair," he says.
Biden plans to leave half his IQ back in Delaware, "because," he says "he want's the debate to be close."

Sarah Palin will be wearing – just joking!!!! I’m not going to describe what a female politician is wearing because that would be sexist. As long as she looks hot, then I’m all good with whatever she says. Joe Biden will be wearing the same suit he wore in 1972 when he left his lucrative one-year career as a lawyer and traded down to be a politician.

The debate will start with lame thank yous to the host, the audience and the building hosting the debate. Except Sarah Palin will say “thanks, but no thanks” to an offer of a glass of water.

The “moderator,” Gwen Ifill, will ask a series of incredibly stupid questions. Both candidates will answer them with their standard campaign-rally answers. But HERE, on this site, is a preview to some of their answers. I won’t give away the questions. I’ll let you hear those on Thursday night.

EXCERPTS OF ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS YOU’LL HEAR ON THURSDAY NIGHT:

Biden: “I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one of them.” (the crowd will oooh and aaah – the next morning Jay-Z’s record label will file a suit against Obama-Biden).

Palin: Biden, Hemingway called, he wants you back in that boat and on the sea pronto!”

Biden: I know foreign policy. I’ve been everywhere. When you’re from Delaware, you want to travel! (the next day, Delaware Chamber of Commerce files a lawsuit against Biden).

Palin: I read newspapers. Both sides. And I have seen all three Bourne movies, so, please, I know foreign policy.

Biden: I didn’t hear the question, Gwen. I was busy admiring my last answer.

Palin: My favorite SNL skit this season? Oh, I’d say the one with the Joe Biden parody. Oh, you say that hasn’t happened yet. Interesting…

Palin: Hillary Clinton is a woman with 18 million cracks.

Biden: My wife is one of those cracks. One of the good ones. (the next day, his wife files for divorce)

The debate will end with a handshake – between “moderator” Gwen Ifill and Joe Biden. She will nod to him like “see, I told you and O that I was gonna do you a solid.” Biden will act like he knows what she meant but later will ask Obama – “what’s a solid?” He will say “it’s like a favor,” but Biden will still feel like it means something else and remain suspicious of his exotic partner and politician.

Andy Bernard and Dwight Schrute, American heroes.
Andy Bernard and Dwight Schrute, American heroes.
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My conversation with Treasury Sec’y Henry Paulson Regarding Debt

As everyone knows, Henry Paulson is the Secretary of Treasury, and a banned candidate from the MacArthur Fellows Program (aka ‘ “Genius Grant”). And he’s been busy this week convincing everyone that saving these big loser banks is vital. Apparently he doesn’t think the Economy should be in one of those FAIL photo threads that are shared in emails around the world and if I had more time or interest, I would make one up.

Hey, guess who is not getting a "Genius Grant?"
Hey, guess who is not getting a "Genius Grant?"

Instead, I got Mr. Paulson on the phone, because I owe some money and I wanted to see if I could get it included in the bailout.

Mark Wiberg: Hi, Secretary of Treasury Paulson?

Henry Paulson: Call me HP.

Mark: Are you sure? Like the computer?

HP: Yes. Please. HP.

MW: Okay, HP. Hey, before I begin – you are the top dog at the Treasury Department, right?

HP: Yes I am.

MW: Did you see that movie National Treasure?

HP: I did, on an airplane some time ago.

MW: Is any of that true? Maybe we could use that treasure to help with the bailout? That stuff looked pretty real. It’s up in New York, I think, under Wall Street.

HP: (laughs) Yeah, sure it is. I don’t think that’s going to happen.

MW: What about National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets’ treasure?

HP: Again, I don’t think that the movies were entirely accurate in regards to the vasts amounts of treasure found.

MW: I dunno. I would maybe take a look at those movies again. It seems pretty accurate to me. Where did you go to film school?

HP: I didn’t go to film school.

MW: I see. Bad reel?

HP: What?

MW: Nothing. Listen, HP, I owe several thousand dollars to some very important people because I just had to have every DVD ever made and a kick-ass television that is so friggin’ flat and hi-def that’s it’s just sick. I thought they were all going to increase in value because sometimes DVDs go out of print and you can make like an extra $70 sometimes on a disc. It’s all pretty complicated business investment stuff tied in with major companies like Ebay and Burger King – I don’t have time to explain it – I just need action now. Can I lump my debt in with the big boys. Out of $700 billion, my money is like a drop in the ocean.

HP: I think we can help you out. And by “we” I mean everyone.

MW: Cool. Hey, can I ask you another question?

HP: Sure.

MW: Treasure of the Sierra Madre. Any chance that could help us?

HP: I don’t think so.

MW: Whatevers. I’m just saying “think outside the box” – if you’re going to pay off my debts, I want to make sure you do it in a responsible way, that you think of everything. But just make it quick!


Secretary Henry Paulson denies that the treasure from the film National Treasure could be of any use. I think he is a liar.
Secretary Henry Paulson denies that the treasure from the film National Treasure could be of any use. I think he is a liar.

Joe Biden: Why Can’t I Be Smeared!

Late Friday night, Delaware-not-Pennsylvania Senator and vice-presidential candidate Joe Biden complained to the press that absolutely nobody was investigating him. He admitted he was extremely disappointed that the McCain campaign had yet to send a team of lawyers to his home state to research his activities.

I wont be ignored. Senator Joe Biden wants his time in the spotlight to make a gaffe.
"I won't be ignored." Senator Joe Biden wants his time in the spotlight to make a gaffe.

“I have skeletons in my closet, people. I have a high IQ, so my skeletons are very smart. The closet is unlocked, too. Please, pick up the phone, find something out about me. I’m a baaad guy.”

Despite hundreds of hours of media spent on the Republican vice-presidential canddiate, Sarah Palin, Barack Obama’s choice has barely registered with the American voter.

“Give me time, and I promise, I will make a gaffe or say something so inappropriate that you’ll wonder why I’m not in prison. I’m a gaffe-making-machine – just turn me on!”

Biden said if needed, he would buy air time to reveal some of his awful decisions made while a U.S. Senator for over 30 years.

“I will pay to be smeared. That’s how serious I am about winning the vice-presidency.

“I’ve been here forever, and believe me, in what little I’ve done, there are plenty of scratch-your-head moments. Did you know I voted for the United States to bomb Canada during the Stanley Cup finals? I did. I’m a total f*ck up. Just look into it, for Chrissakes!”

Barack Obama couldn’t be reached for comment, according to his advisors. “He’s too busy emailing his suporters. Something John McCAin cannot do.”

Barack Obama: John McCain Can’t Send Email…McCain: I can IM like a mutha

Today, Barack Obama’s campaign unveiled an ad pointing out the fact that John McCain does not use email. OMG!

(Nevermind that John McCain cannot use a keyboard due to the injuries suffered as POW. Oops! I’ll leave that to the other sites to dissect)

Anyway, later the John McCain campaign, in response to the ad, released transcripts demonstrating that John McCain wasn’t big on email, but loved to IM.

Here, for example, was Senator McCain’s IM log from late 1999, to wife Cindy McCain:

McCain2000Prez4sure: yo, C, what’s up?

AZGirl54: not much. just chillin’. getting my eBay fix.

McCain200Prez4sure: Sweet. Hey, have U talked 2 the kidz?

AZGirl54: oh, wait. BRB.

McCain200Prez4sure: OK.

AZGirl54: I’m back. I talked 2 kids y-day.

McCain200Prez4sure: R they coming 2 the rally next week?

AZGirl54: Just 1/2 of them.

McCain200Prez4sure: Which 1s?

AZGirl54: Does it matter?

McCain200Prez4sure: No. LOL.

AZGirl54: LOL. Ooh. I just won some dishes. Do we have a PayPal account, yet?

McCain200Prez4sure: We do 🙂

AZGirl54: Gr8.

McCain200Prez4sure: R U going 2 join the St8t Talk Xpress 2moro?

AZGirl54: IDK. I’ll get back 2 U.

McCain200Prez4sure: GGN

AZGirl54: Bye.

John McCain can IM.
John McCain can IM.

Humans to restart the “Matrix” with Large Hadron Collider – 9/10/08

In Switzerland, underground scientists will hit the switch on their new-fangled machine that will accelerate particles around a 17 mile tunnel. This thing probably has one big-ass carbon footprint! Oh, and the purpose? To unlock some mysteries that have yet to be figured out, such as: whatever happened to Domino Pizza’s loveable character the Noid? And the how and why of Dane Cook. Also promised with this machine is the resetting of the Matrix, the place where we live in what seems to be a “real” environment. It was all documented in a three part documentary called The Matrix, Matrix Reloaded, and Matrix Revolutions. I recommend you go to your local library and check it out before the Architect gets his act together.

One of the universes biggest mysteries, to be solved by the Large Hadron Collider (in 30 minutes or less, of course)
One of the universe's biggest mysteries, to be solved by the Large Hadron Collider (in 30 minutes or less, of course)

Some people warn that the Large Hadron Collider could cause irreversible damage, like forming a little tiny, Chihuahua-size black hole that could possibly grow and grow and suck up the whole big planet Earth. I call these alarmists “optimists.” How friggin’ cool would that be? To be part of Generation Black Hole – the Last Thrill Ride! It’s something you can tell your grandkids about, if you weren’t all squishy and plasmatic nothingness floating through space.

Joe Biden: I love Me Some Pig – don’t listen to the other guy

Today Joe Biden condemned his fellow Senator’s remarks, referring to Sarah Palin as a pig with lipstick.

“Let’s just get one thing clear. I love pigs. With or without lipstick. Barack doesn’t and I don’t know why. He’s weird, okay.”

I cant believe Im on this ticket
Joe hearts Pigs

BONUS MATERIAL: Predictable, extremist commentary: You know who else doesn’t like pigs? Muslims! Oh MY GOD! That’s proof that Barack is a muslim!!!!!! He doesn’t like pigs, aka Pork!!!!! I am totally forwarding this to my friends.

Tim Shriver and Special Olympics Denounce MTV Awards Show and Host’s Use of the R-Word (retard) – oh, wait – they didn’t!

Following Sunday evening’s televised awards show on MTV, Tim Shriver, chairman of the Special Olympics, said he was totally considering doing or saying something about MTV for the awards show host Russell Brand’s use of the word “retarded” in referring to President George Bush.

Russell Brand Hates Retarded Cowboys
Russell Brand Hates "Retarded Cowboy" Bush, Loves the Royal Family.

“I am this close to saying something about it. As soon as MTV’s parent company/owner Sumner Redstone is done donating to the Democratic party, I am going to write a letter. I might even mail it.”

Shriver and other organizations who support special needs people, say they want the “r-word” to no longer be part of everyday vocabulary, unless it is used by an employee of a major donor.

Hating the R-Word, selectively
Tim Shriver, Hating the R-Word like nobody's business.

“Hey, I know the r-word is offensive – it’s soooo offensive that I called for a boycott on a stupid little parody film (Tropic Thunder). Now, when I hear someone use that word, the r-word, on a televised program owned by a company that donates money to my family’s political party, I do get pretty fed up. I am so angry I could spit.”

When asked if there was a difference between host Russell Brand’s use and the film Tropic Thunder’s use of the “r-word,” Shriver didn’t hesitate.

“That is the most r-worded question I’ve heard today. The difference is that I get to decide what is allowed. Isn’t that clear?”