I put these graphics on our winery’s harvest shirts for 2013 – encouraging all with the BB’s Walter White message “apply yourself” this season.
from an unpublished, unwritten play titled “SODACOP”
SCENE 1, Mayor Bloomberg‘s office; near future:
Mayor Bloomberg and staff sit around a table drinking water and eating carrots.
Mayor, this ice cubes ban in soda is an excellent idea. How does someone so short and so quirky get such great ideas?
I don’t know. But lose the Ranch dressing. We eat carrots in this office without Ranch.
Of course. I don’t know what I was thinking.
Who lowered my chair again? I can’t get my elbows on the table. (beat) So, the ice cube in soda ban has been in effect for five days. As I stated months ago, large soda is a problem. So is cold soda. It tastes too good. Remove ice from the equation and people will make healthier choices. Any news on how New Yorkers are coping? I know they’ll be upset but they’ll get over it. We’re doing them a favor!
SCENE 2: NY Movie Theater, snack bar.
I’d like to get a large butter popcorn, a box of Whoppers and a large Coke.
Okay. Just so you know, the large size is now 16 oz. We’re not allowed to sell a 32 oz soda, unless it’s diet.
I forgot where I was. I’m from Jersey. (beat) Can I get extra butter on that popcorn?
Sure. So, yeah, the old large size was 32 oz. The new large size is 16 oz. But if you order 2 large sodas, we’ve priced it at the same price as the old large.
I’ll get two of the new large sodas.
Also, they are ‘no ice.’ That’s also banned. No ice in sodas. Unless it’s diet. The Mayor knows soda tastes better cold. Only people who drink diet soda get ice.
Did I mention I’m from Jersey so I’m about to lay down a bunch of curse words. But I won’t. Instead, I see the light – I’ll get a V8 drink, and cancel the popcorn and candy. In fact, I think I’m going to go jogging instead of watching this movie.
SCENE 4: Landfill; daytime
What is the deal with all these 16 oz cups, now? They are everywhere!
SCENE 5: Mayor’s office, months later.
Mayor Bloomberg, the results are in. Everyone in NYC is incredibly healthy. Soda consumption is down 73%. You’ve battled salt, trans-fat, large and cold soda, and smoking. What’s next?
Large televisions and long movies. It is not healthy to sit and watch a two and a half hour movie on a large screen. Also, morning talk shows – no need to be so long with all those teaser bits about what’s coming up – it encourages people to watch too much tv. Same goes for mini-series and crime shows that don’t solve anything in the first hour – banned. Maybe we’ll put timers in televisions so they turn off after 3 hours…
same topic, related.
Hey America, act now and purchase the Official Whitney Houston Funeral DVD, which was aired on every “news” channel the morning of February 18, 2012. Running time: 4 hours/ Bonus features include:Audio Commentary by party friends (aka Enablers). Listen as they explain how they let their golden goose party all week long before her death! Trivia! Can you name Whitney Houston’s last recorded song? That’s okay, nobody can! But we’re all such BIG fans. Music videos! These antiquated art pieces showcased popular songs of their day. Crack is Whack – a documentary about celebrities and their super awesome health care provider network. Never before scene footage of below-average physicians working with the world’s most famous (and important) people. An essay by the Reverend Jesse Jackson “Yes, I Will Be At Every Televised Funeral”
On sale now for $29.99 you cheap bastards.
Related: Celebrity Mortality Rates Skyrocket
Ode to a Tracking Number, by Ton and Tanya Peeples. I can’t get that song out of my head, perhaps because more often than I care to, I have to read off tracking numbers to UPS or FedEx.
It’s a parody, inspired by the classic Ode to Billie Joe’s story-telling ways, and is performed by actor Paul Rudd (Ton) and Kristen Wiig (Tanya, or is it Tonya?) on Saturday Night Live (see there, kids, that show doesn’t totally suck all the time!):
Here it is at videogum (since I can’t embed video, it appears, from non-youtube sites….and hulu doesn’t have it)
July 2010 – just realized the video has been pulled, probably some time ago. Sorry. If you know where it’s at online, let me know.
AND HERE ARE THE LYRICS (transcribed by me, who has too much time on his hands today – I think I got it right but let me know if I missed a number or got the customer names wrong! I’m not sure why I put the quotes in.)
Ode to Tracking Number
It was morning just like any other morning in the Georgia hill (wiig)
She heard a knocking at her door and up her spine she felt a tingly chill (rudd)
And she stumbled to the door and said “hey who’s that on the other side?” (wiig)
“I gotta package here for Lester Carl and Eleanor Alisha Pride.” (rudd)
She said listen here those people that you’re talking about they live next door. (wiig)
And he said “Wait a second isn’t this 5407 Johnson Road?” (rudd)
She said “Yes it is but this here is a duplex and they live in back.” (wiig)
Then he said “Let me call my manager so I can get this package tracked.” (rudd)
Then he said “Lady can I use your phone my cell ain’t got no signal that’s clear.” (wiig)
And she said “Sure enough but careful there’s a lot of broken glass over here.” (rudd)
And he tip-toed to the kitchen and he called his manager Jerome. (wiig)
He started reading off the tracking number right into her M & M phone. (rudd)
He said “31256935673452” (wiig)
Then he continued “TKX45201267Q.” (rudd)
Then he looked at her real weird and said “the rest is covered by tape.” (wiig)
And then he lifted up the tape and read “J712438.” (rudd)
Then it continues with “BR476913AP2” (rudd)
Which was followed by an “asterisk then PPDL dash Q dash.” (wiig)
and then “a lower case ‘u’ hyphen 55732….”. (rudd)
And, in enjoying this song, I revisited the inspiration for this song, Ode to Billie Joe, and the performances by the singer/songwriter Bobbie Gentry. Here are two videos that show how great she is:
Ode To Billie Joe:
The two brightest people in America will go at it on Thursday, October 2, 2008 – they will match wits, trade barbs, be wily. But enough about Andy vs Dwight from “The Office!” (NBC is so in the tank for Andy Bernard, it makes me sick. They should just let Dwight win Angela!).
The other event – Joe Versus the Barracuda. Spoiler alert: America wins! Because I have been following for, oh, about twenty days, I think I can provide expert analysis on this whole debate thing between the Veeps (veeps is insider talk for VP which stands for Vice Prez, which stands for Vice President).
Sarah Palin will be wearing – just joking!!!! I’m not going to describe what a female politician is wearing because that would be sexist. As long as she looks hot, then I’m all good with whatever she says. Joe Biden will be wearing the same suit he wore in 1972 when he left his lucrative one-year career as a lawyer and traded down to be a politician.
The debate will start with lame thank yous to the host, the audience and the building hosting the debate. Except Sarah Palin will say “thanks, but no thanks” to an offer of a glass of water.
The “moderator,” Gwen Ifill, will ask a series of incredibly stupid questions. Both candidates will answer them with their standard campaign-rally answers. But HERE, on this site, is a preview to some of their answers. I won’t give away the questions. I’ll let you hear those on Thursday night.
EXCERPTS OF ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS YOU’LL HEAR ON THURSDAY NIGHT:
Biden: “I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one of them.” (the crowd will oooh and aaah – the next morning Jay-Z’s record label will file a suit against Obama-Biden).
Palin: Biden, Hemingway called, he wants you back in that boat and on the sea pronto!”
Biden: I know foreign policy. I’ve been everywhere. When you’re from Delaware, you want to travel! (the next day, Delaware Chamber of Commerce files a lawsuit against Biden).
Palin: I read newspapers. Both sides. And I have seen all three Bourne movies, so, please, I know foreign policy.
Biden: I didn’t hear the question, Gwen. I was busy admiring my last answer.
Palin: My favorite SNL skit this season? Oh, I’d say the one with the Joe Biden parody. Oh, you say that hasn’t happened yet. Interesting…
Palin: Hillary Clinton is a woman with 18 million cracks.
Biden: My wife is one of those cracks. One of the good ones. (the next day, his wife files for divorce)
The debate will end with a handshake – between “moderator” Gwen Ifill and Joe Biden. She will nod to him like “see, I told you and O that I was gonna do you a solid.” Biden will act like he knows what she meant but later will ask Obama – “what’s a solid?” He will say “it’s like a favor,” but Biden will still feel like it means something else and remain suspicious of his exotic partner and politician.
When I’m not ‘blogging’ about made-up stuff, I’m searching the globe for state-of-the-art technology. A lot of people are looking forward to the Google Phone, but I say, why have Google when you can have Jeeves? The Ask Jeeves phone hits the market in just 7 short years. Get in line, folks!
SEVERAL REASONS the ASK JEEVES PHONE RANKS ABOVE the GOOGLE PHONE:
-The Ask Jeeves phone will be touch screen on EVERY side of the phone, with fingers or tongue. That means you can dial your friends by licking the side of the phone.
-You can name your phone whatever you want. No stupid “Android” associated with it. I am going to call my phone “Jeeves” – it’s just a name that came to mind.
-The phone will replace “Please Say A Command” audio direction with “Please Say A Command Five Times Before I Can Understand It!”
Remember – 2015. The Ask Jeeves phone. The future is here, in 2015.
NY Times columnist and current day Nostradamus, Thomas “the pen” Friedman announced that he is already hard at work on a sequel to his book Hot, Flat, and Crowded, tentantively titled Hotter, Flatter, and Crowdeder – More Shit About Humans You Already Know.
In the new book, author Friedman promises to explore how we’re all connected and how this little planet is just really friggin’ hot, and flat, and crowded, still! Friedman takes a look at the planet’s beaches, and notes that many beaches are flat, hot, and sometimes crowded, and that this serves as an important reminder:
“Don’t live at the beach. It’s a total hassle, there’s no parking, and you can’t get the sand out of your car no matter what.”
He notes that deserts are hot, flat, but not often crowded, a phenomenon he has no explanation for, except to say that it has something to do with the production of the personal computer.
“When you purchase a computer on your computer, which is hot because it’s been on all day, viewing it on your monitor, which may be a flat-screen, your order goes into a long but fast waiting list – a crowded list. There’s your hot, flat and crowded. Only, these orders do not go to the desert. They go to where people live, so that their children can manufacture them.”
As for the common belief that a planet this is crowded and more reliant on one another for mass production, therefore less likely to war with one another, Friedman admits he hasn’t completely figured it out.
“You know, when I wrote some of my earlier books, like Cujonoid, and Clan of the Cave Deer, I thought the more crowded we got, the less war we’d be.
“I forgot that more people on the planet means more expendable people. Simply put: the governments of the world have more people to use for combat. They’re overflowing in people – why not do the war thing? In fact, if it were up to me, we should invade Britain right now. Stir it up. Stir it the “eff up”, as the kids say.”