Gawker Media, hacked emails! Next stop: Law & Order!

Just when Law & Order was running out of ideas and New York area actors, along comes Gawker Media. While only hours old, the story of Gawker posting hacked Sarah Palin emails/contacts has already been penned for television by Dick Wolf for his program, Law & Order.

Youve Just Been Gawkered!
You've Just Been Gawkered!
This shit just writes itself
Dick Wolfe: "This shit just writes itself."

The story will involve some morons, according to Wolf.

“We’ve done stories on murderers, rapists, thieves, celebrity crooks, but this story is just one of those file-under-stupid-criminals type of stories. Real easy shit to write.”

Gawker chief Nick Denton
Nick Denton, fresh fish in the upcoming episode of Law & Order.

In the episode, Nick Denton and staff at Gawker media are arrested for violating federal and state laws that prohibit the use of something that was stolen, which this joke writer is too lazy too look up, but knows everyone is all innocent until proven guilty in the court of l-a-w. Everybody on L&O, episode #1,553,221 gets upset, but Denton and crew still go to prison. And they start a prison blog on Prison Life called “Soap.”

Gawker Media's new Prison Blog, Soap.
Gawker Media's new prison blog, Soap.

Well, very meta, but in the episode, Denton is assaulted while posting on his blog, and in his self-defense, he kills the attacker with his Mac book. So he sues NY and McCoy and all these other Law & Order characters I can’t remember for a bunch of damages for being all stressed out over having to kill someone. And then at the end, Denton and crew walk out of prison, with smirks on their faces, all free and stuff. And then at the very, very end, the lawyers meet up with the District Attorney and hear some wise-old-man-whose-seen-it-all crap about “how the system worked.”

And all of this from illegally posting stuff. Coming to you this season, on Law & Order.

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The Huffington Post Means Business – Goes with Largest Font-Size Every Made

fake news

With the 2008 election only 48 days away, The Huffington Post announced they would begin using the largest font-size ever on their front page headlines.

1,000 pt.

Tired of their 60 pt font, editors at the HuffPost said they would get their stories across better if they used a larger font.

“Tomorrow we’re going with, 1,000 pt font-sizes announcing that John McCain is the devil. We tried it in 48 pt font and we convinced only 14,357 people. We need to convince more.”

Turn it up to 11.
Turn it up to 11.

Insiders say the new font-size will require two monitors to read.

“It’s stupid, but it’s definitely innovative,” said one expert via his Go Phone.

Arianna TheHuffingtonpost, the owner of the site, who coincidentally shares the same name as the website, said something at a press conference but nobody could understand a word.

Sarah Palin: I thought Bush Doctrine Referred to my Lady Parts choices

In a brief interview Good Housekeeping Magazine this evening, vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin admitted that when ABC’s Charlie Gibson asked her about the Bush Doctrine, she was a little shocked.

Sarah Palin, just one of many Alaskan Governors trying to mettle in American political affairs
Sarah Palin later clarified to Good Housekeeping her opinion on the "Bush" Doctrine.

“Honestly, I thought he was asking a very personal question, if you know what I mean. What I do down there, around my lady parts, is nobody’s business. It’s for me or my husband to know.”

When pressed about her personal grooming habits, Sarah offered a hint. “Let me just remind you – it gets cold in Alaska, and I like to keep all my body warm with what God gave me. That’s all I’m saying.”

Bush has become an important topic this campaign season
Bush has become an important topic this campaign season

Others on the campaign have yet to be asked about the Bush Doctrine. Hillary? Michelle Obama?

Barack Obama: John McCain Can’t Send Email…McCain: I can IM like a mutha

Today, Barack Obama’s campaign unveiled an ad pointing out the fact that John McCain does not use email. OMG!

(Nevermind that John McCain cannot use a keyboard due to the injuries suffered as POW. Oops! I’ll leave that to the other sites to dissect)

Anyway, later the John McCain campaign, in response to the ad, released transcripts demonstrating that John McCain wasn’t big on email, but loved to IM.

Here, for example, was Senator McCain’s IM log from late 1999, to wife Cindy McCain:

McCain2000Prez4sure: yo, C, what’s up?

AZGirl54: not much. just chillin’. getting my eBay fix.

McCain200Prez4sure: Sweet. Hey, have U talked 2 the kidz?

AZGirl54: oh, wait. BRB.

McCain200Prez4sure: OK.

AZGirl54: I’m back. I talked 2 kids y-day.

McCain200Prez4sure: R they coming 2 the rally next week?

AZGirl54: Just 1/2 of them.

McCain200Prez4sure: Which 1s?

AZGirl54: Does it matter?

McCain200Prez4sure: No. LOL.

AZGirl54: LOL. Ooh. I just won some dishes. Do we have a PayPal account, yet?

McCain200Prez4sure: We do 🙂

AZGirl54: Gr8.

McCain200Prez4sure: R U going 2 join the St8t Talk Xpress 2moro?

AZGirl54: IDK. I’ll get back 2 U.

McCain200Prez4sure: GGN

AZGirl54: Bye.

John McCain can IM.
John McCain can IM.

Oprah – Pro-Obama, not Pro-Mamma – Sarah Palin denied by the O?

Today the Oprah Winfrey show announced that if Sarah Palin wants to be booked on her tv show, she will have to write a fictional memoir filled with all sorts of goodness. Or join a crazy cult and talk about stupid movies.

Oprah released a statement, transcribed by her best friend Gayle, who recently completed a course in stenography.

“I totally wish I could have Sarah Palin on the show but unfortunately, she’s a politician. Barack Obama is not a politician, he’s just a simple man trying to save the world, one elected office at a time. I wish Sarah all the best and hope she will appear on my show next year, after this campaign is over. But I know she won’t because she’s going to lose. Thank you. That stupid bitch should pay me to have her on the show. Gayle, why are you still typing? Stop typing. Did you cut out that last part? Good.”

Oprah Winfrey and some unidentified apolitical community organizer
Oprah Winfrey and some unidentified apolitical community organizer

As pointed out later to Winfrey that Gayle did not “cut out that last part.” Ms. Winfrey released a second statement: “I am sorry for any offense I caused in my earlier statement. Using those kinds of words is not who I am. It has taught me a lesson – to get a new stenographer.”

Bob Woodward Publishes Sarah Palin book – Exclusive Interview here! Kind of.

Bob Woodward recently published his investigative book on Republican Vice-President nominee Sarah Palin. I had the opportunity to interview him Sunday afternoon via telephone:

Mark Wiberg: Hi Bob.

Bob Woodward: Hi, Mike.

Wiberg: It’s “Mark.” So, I understand you wrote this book this past weekend about the Governor of Alaska, John McCain’s surprise selection for vice president..

Woodward: Who?

Wiberg: Sarah Palin.

Woodward: Oh, yes. I didn’t realize she was the governor.

Wiberg: But you just wrote a book about her?

Woodward: I did, but much of what I wrote was sourced from unnamed sources, including people I never talked to, and none of them indicated to me that Palin was the governor of Alaska.

Wiberg: Okay. Let me ask you this – did you spend any time with Sarah Palin or her husband Todd?

Woodward: She’s married?

Wiberg: Yes.

Woodward: (scribbling) Interesting. Anyway, to answer your question: I did talk with Sarah during the writing of this book.

Wiberg: This past weekend?

Woodward: Yes, from my home here in DC.

Wiberg: And what was she like. How did she strike you as a politician and as a person.

Woodward: Well, she’s a woman. I got that much. Sounds a little Canadian, which could be a problem with some of ignorant people outside of DC. Actually, it was difficult to have a conversation with her because of the background noise. She seemed to be at a daycare center.

Wiberg: Maybe those were her kids?

Woodward: (scribbling) Kids?

Wiberg: Let’s back up. First, what’s your book about Sarah Palin called.

Woodward: It’s called Outside the Bush Inner Circle: Some Woman’s Journey to the Top, Written By the Great Bob Woodward.

Wiberg: Is that really the whole title? Even the “written by the Great Bob Woodward” part?

Woodward: Yes, why?

Wiberg: It seems like you just threw your name in there for no reason.

Woodward: Ego isn’t a reason?

Wiberg: Can you tell me anything you learned about Sarah Palin?

Woodward: I can. From conversations that I imagined, of course. What I learned was that during this historic 72 hour period, there have been a great many, heated arguments between Sarah Palin and others who I cannot name.

Wiberg: You can’t name them? Why not?

Woodward: Because they don’t exist. Duh!

Wiberg: Did you just say “duh.” You are a Pulitzer Prize winning writer, and you just said “duh.” That’s kinda lame.

Woodward: You’re kinda lame and I’m putting that in my next book, which is coming out next Wednesday?

Wiberg: You already have another book? You just finished this last one.

Woodward: I know, but this one is more timely.

Wiberg: And it’s about what?

Woodward: It’s about Tuesday.

Wiberg: Tuesday? like this coming Tuesday? You’re going to write about a day that hasn’t even happened?

Woodward: Yep.

Wiberg: Why?

Woodward: Because.

Wiberg: Because why?

Woodward: You’re not the boss of me, I don’t have to tell you.

At this point he hung up the phone, saying something about Patty Davis’ Myspace page.

——————-

(note: I hesistated posting this not because it’s totally fake but because it’s not that incredibly funny – but I liked the rushed book cover I made up and didn’t want it to go to waste – thanks for reading!).