“Hotter, Flatter, and Crowdeder” – Tom Friedman Plans Sequel to Most Recent Book

NY Times columnist and current day Nostradamus, Thomas “the pen” Friedman announced that he is already hard at work on a sequel to his book Hot, Flat, and Crowded, tentantively titled Hotter, Flatter, and Crowdeder – More Shit About Humans You Already Know.

To be published this Fall, Friedman's book will be relevant for about 3 weeks.
To be published this Fall, Friedman's book will be irrelevant three weeks into December.

In the new book, author Friedman promises to explore how we’re all connected and how this little planet is just really friggin’ hot, and flat, and crowded, still! Friedman takes a look at the planet’s beaches, and notes that many beaches are flat, hot, and sometimes crowded, and that this serves as an important reminder:

“Don’t live at the beach. It’s a total hassle, there’s no parking, and you can’t get the sand out of your car no matter what.”

He notes that deserts are hot, flat, but not often crowded, a phenomenon he has no explanation for, except to say that it has something to do with the production of the personal computer.

“When you purchase a computer on your computer, which is hot because it’s been on all day, viewing it on your monitor, which may be a flat-screen, your order goes into a long but fast waiting list – a crowded list. There’s your hot, flat and crowded. Only, these orders do not go to the desert. They go to where people live, so that their children can manufacture them.”

As for the common belief that a planet this is crowded and more reliant on one another for mass production, therefore less likely to war with one another, Friedman admits he hasn’t completely figured it out.

“You know, when I wrote some of my earlier books, like Cujonoid, and Clan of the Cave Deer, I thought the more crowded we got, the less war we’d be.

“I forgot that more people on the planet means more expendable people. Simply put: the governments of the world have more people to use for combat. They’re overflowing in people – why not do the war thing? In fact, if it were up to me, we should invade Britain right now. Stir it up. Stir it the “eff up”, as the kids say.”

Published in Summer 2008, Friedmans most recent book is already behind the times.
Published in Summer 2008, Friedman's most recent book is already behind the times. His new book promises to be a little more current.

Gawker Media, hacked emails! Next stop: Law & Order!

Just when Law & Order was running out of ideas and New York area actors, along comes Gawker Media. While only hours old, the story of Gawker posting hacked Sarah Palin emails/contacts has already been penned for television by Dick Wolf for his program, Law & Order.

Youve Just Been Gawkered!
You've Just Been Gawkered!
This shit just writes itself
Dick Wolfe: "This shit just writes itself."

The story will involve some morons, according to Wolf.

“We’ve done stories on murderers, rapists, thieves, celebrity crooks, but this story is just one of those file-under-stupid-criminals type of stories. Real easy shit to write.”

Gawker chief Nick Denton
Nick Denton, fresh fish in the upcoming episode of Law & Order.

In the episode, Nick Denton and staff at Gawker media are arrested for violating federal and state laws that prohibit the use of something that was stolen, which this joke writer is too lazy too look up, but knows everyone is all innocent until proven guilty in the court of l-a-w. Everybody on L&O, episode #1,553,221 gets upset, but Denton and crew still go to prison. And they start a prison blog on Prison Life called “Soap.”

Gawker Media's new Prison Blog, Soap.
Gawker Media's new prison blog, Soap.

Well, very meta, but in the episode, Denton is assaulted while posting on his blog, and in his self-defense, he kills the attacker with his Mac book. So he sues NY and McCoy and all these other Law & Order characters I can’t remember for a bunch of damages for being all stressed out over having to kill someone. And then at the end, Denton and crew walk out of prison, with smirks on their faces, all free and stuff. And then at the very, very end, the lawyers meet up with the District Attorney and hear some wise-old-man-whose-seen-it-all crap about “how the system worked.”

And all of this from illegally posting stuff. Coming to you this season, on Law & Order.

The Huffington Post Means Business – Goes with Largest Font-Size Every Made

fake news

With the 2008 election only 48 days away, The Huffington Post announced they would begin using the largest font-size ever on their front page headlines.

1,000 pt.

Tired of their 60 pt font, editors at the HuffPost said they would get their stories across better if they used a larger font.

“Tomorrow we’re going with, 1,000 pt font-sizes announcing that John McCain is the devil. We tried it in 48 pt font and we convinced only 14,357 people. We need to convince more.”

Turn it up to 11.
Turn it up to 11.

Insiders say the new font-size will require two monitors to read.

“It’s stupid, but it’s definitely innovative,” said one expert via his Go Phone.

Arianna TheHuffingtonpost, the owner of the site, who coincidentally shares the same name as the website, said something at a press conference but nobody could understand a word.

Sarah Palin: I thought Bush Doctrine Referred to my Lady Parts choices

In a brief interview Good Housekeeping Magazine this evening, vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin admitted that when ABC’s Charlie Gibson asked her about the Bush Doctrine, she was a little shocked.

Sarah Palin, just one of many Alaskan Governors trying to mettle in American political affairs
Sarah Palin later clarified to Good Housekeeping her opinion on the "Bush" Doctrine.

“Honestly, I thought he was asking a very personal question, if you know what I mean. What I do down there, around my lady parts, is nobody’s business. It’s for me or my husband to know.”

When pressed about her personal grooming habits, Sarah offered a hint. “Let me just remind you – it gets cold in Alaska, and I like to keep all my body warm with what God gave me. That’s all I’m saying.”

Bush has become an important topic this campaign season
Bush has become an important topic this campaign season

Others on the campaign have yet to be asked about the Bush Doctrine. Hillary? Michelle Obama?

Barack Obama: John McCain Can’t Send Email…McCain: I can IM like a mutha

Today, Barack Obama’s campaign unveiled an ad pointing out the fact that John McCain does not use email. OMG!

(Nevermind that John McCain cannot use a keyboard due to the injuries suffered as POW. Oops! I’ll leave that to the other sites to dissect)

Anyway, later the John McCain campaign, in response to the ad, released transcripts demonstrating that John McCain wasn’t big on email, but loved to IM.

Here, for example, was Senator McCain’s IM log from late 1999, to wife Cindy McCain:

McCain2000Prez4sure: yo, C, what’s up?

AZGirl54: not much. just chillin’. getting my eBay fix.

McCain200Prez4sure: Sweet. Hey, have U talked 2 the kidz?

AZGirl54: oh, wait. BRB.

McCain200Prez4sure: OK.

AZGirl54: I’m back. I talked 2 kids y-day.

McCain200Prez4sure: R they coming 2 the rally next week?

AZGirl54: Just 1/2 of them.

McCain200Prez4sure: Which 1s?

AZGirl54: Does it matter?

McCain200Prez4sure: No. LOL.

AZGirl54: LOL. Ooh. I just won some dishes. Do we have a PayPal account, yet?

McCain200Prez4sure: We do 🙂

AZGirl54: Gr8.

McCain200Prez4sure: R U going 2 join the St8t Talk Xpress 2moro?

AZGirl54: IDK. I’ll get back 2 U.

McCain200Prez4sure: GGN

AZGirl54: Bye.

John McCain can IM.
John McCain can IM.

Oprah – Pro-Obama, not Pro-Mamma – Sarah Palin denied by the O?

Today the Oprah Winfrey show announced that if Sarah Palin wants to be booked on her tv show, she will have to write a fictional memoir filled with all sorts of goodness. Or join a crazy cult and talk about stupid movies.

Oprah released a statement, transcribed by her best friend Gayle, who recently completed a course in stenography.

“I totally wish I could have Sarah Palin on the show but unfortunately, she’s a politician. Barack Obama is not a politician, he’s just a simple man trying to save the world, one elected office at a time. I wish Sarah all the best and hope she will appear on my show next year, after this campaign is over. But I know she won’t because she’s going to lose. Thank you. That stupid bitch should pay me to have her on the show. Gayle, why are you still typing? Stop typing. Did you cut out that last part? Good.”

Oprah Winfrey and some unidentified apolitical community organizer
Oprah Winfrey and some unidentified apolitical community organizer

As pointed out later to Winfrey that Gayle did not “cut out that last part.” Ms. Winfrey released a second statement: “I am sorry for any offense I caused in my earlier statement. Using those kinds of words is not who I am. It has taught me a lesson – to get a new stenographer.”