Today the Oprah Winfrey show announced that if Sarah Palin wants to be booked on her tv show, she will have to write a fictional memoir filled with all sorts of goodness. Or join a crazy cult and talk about stupid movies.

Oprah released a statement, transcribed by her best friend Gayle, who recently completed a course in stenography.

“I totally wish I could have Sarah Palin on the show but unfortunately, she’s a politician. Barack Obama is not a politician, he’s just a simple man trying to save the world, one elected office at a time. I wish Sarah all the best and hope she will appear on my show next year, after this campaign is over. But I know she won’t because she’s going to lose. Thank you. That stupid bitch should pay me to have her on the show. Gayle, why are you still typing? Stop typing. Did you cut out that last part? Good.”

As pointed out later to Winfrey that Gayle did not “cut out that last part.” Ms. Winfrey released a second statement: “I am sorry for any offense I caused in my earlier statement. Using those kinds of words is not who I am. It has taught me a lesson – to get a new stenographer.”