Obama’s Celebrity Fundraiser Dinner – $40K a plate, Travolta Massage for $500 more.

Obama is having dinner tonight with celebrities. I’ve heard they brought in extra bathrooms to allow some of the actresses a place to barf up what they eat.  My other ‘joke’ is that it is $40k a plate, but for an extra $500 John Travolta will give you a handjob behind the garage.

Travolta likes massages. And jets. But probably he likes massages more.

I have no problem with a fundraiser dinners. Not sure why there aren’t more fundraising breakfasts – sure would be a hell of a lot cheaper! “Everybody got their cereal bowl? Good. Frosted Flakes or Raisin Bran? Please make that check out to “Me for President”

I hear Romney will have a Republican celebrity dinner soon – table for 4, please! Running for president costs a ton of money. Especially if you can’t keep your dick in your pants and have to pay off your batshit crazy mistress. John Edwards, that was for you – I know you are reading my blog from your hillbilly mansion.  Probably on a iPad so you can Facetime  yourself while reading.

If celebrities like George Clooney were really smart, they would videotape this dinner and netflix/dvd that shit out of it. I’d watch it. I’d want to see what it’s like to eat dinner with the President of the United States. Does he get all Carls Jr. about dinner and not talk until he’s done or does he talk with his mouth full. Does he say “pass the salt?” or just “hey, salt me!”  Does he stand up when a lady leaves the room (wait, this is Hollywood – no ladies present, right?). Do they toast each other and if so, do they have music playing the background to tell them to ‘wrap it up’? Does George Clooney leave the television powered on, but muted, so he can see how the Lakers are doing? Does he wheel the tv over to the table or keep excusing himself to check the score. Or does he keep checking his phone?

I wonder how many assholes at this dinner will be playing with their phones (texting, word with friends, facebook). I mean, you’re at a dinner with the president – your phone can wait! (unless your Toby Maguire -it can’t wait. The dude’s done pretty well but when’s the last time you’ve seen a Toby Maguire movie? He needs to keep his phone at the ready).

Do they serve dessert? Is there gonna be some jerkwad who’s allergic to everything?  Or a vegan? Now’s not the time to start your caveman diet, Ironman! And how does that work after dinner. Does George Clooney stand up and say ‘you three tables, leave. You can go now.’   Do you get autographs at an event like this and if so, do you have to carry around a 8 x 10 of George Clooney the whole night or do they have a table where you can set this shit down and pick up later?  If I was at the dinner, I would lose the butter and salt on my table and then go around to the other, more celebrity-heavy tables and ask to borrow. “Hi, George. Can you pass the butter tray. Thanks. I’ll bring it right back.”   But I wouldn’t. Instead, I’d scrape all that butter onto my plate and steal the tray because you know that stuff has gotta be monogrammed GC. Ebay bound.

Advertisements

Obama’s week of FAIL – A List!

Politics, anyone? Serious, hardcore politics mean to boil your blood, confirm your suspicions? You’ve come to the wrong place, my friend. But I offer this list of things President Obama flip-flopped on this week:

1. Super PACS – as we all know, Super PACs are large money grubbing organizations hell-bent on making life miserable for political candidates’ opponents by funding and purchasing air time for approximately 1.2 billion 30 second spots. Recently,  The Supreme Court was, like, “hey money is free speech so have fun!” Whatever.  But, while once opposed to Super PACs, President Obama changed his mind this week, greatly helping his chances at reelection in that his supporters can better match, dollar for dollar, the opposing side: Dog the Bounty Hunter. This registers as a MAJOR FAIL. Not because he did this, but because he should have realized early on this would happen and never been so publicly opposed.

just chillin...

Please note that often times, I link to articles that I read only the first few sentences. I Google a topic and link to one that looks like won’t break.  In another words, I search for knowledge, but dodge it at the last moment.

2. President Obama’s adminstration recently came out and demanded that everyone who is religious practice safe sex all at once, all together, in the same sleazy motel. I think his specific words were: “Anyone ‘DTF ‘will be covered when it comes to birth control…so get busy, my fellow Americans. Get busy safely!”

Quickly, Obama’s administration was going to ask that all businesses, including religious organizations, include birth control coverage in their health plans. Then everybody freaked out and so Friday Obama hinted he would ease off some of the requirements.

I guess you could call this a “Birther” Controller controversy (get it? ha ha). Anyway, who cares except for the pope, whose giant hat and funny costume is never gonna get him action.  This flip-flop ranks as a SEMI-MAJOR FAIL.

Pope
Pope says yes to the dress, no to birth control. This guy looks likes Goldmember's cousin.

Other FAILs this week by Obama (and some time later I may do one on President Romney)

3. Obama allowed 3D technology to be shared with filmmaker George Lucas. Thus, The Phantom Menace 3D was released today. Meesa not so happy! I remember 3 years ago when Obama was elected, he said “On day 1, I will share with the world entertainment technology only those corporations willing and able to apply it to worthy projects. No longer, will the world suffer…” something like that. FAIL.

4. Unknown to many, but Obama’s flip-flop on Closing Gitmo ™ is more than just a regular FAIL. Unreported, Obama has opened 47 other GITMOs around the world, including EuroGitmo, which you can visit and get a one day pass to EuroCalifornia Adventures (which sucks, but everyone still goes).

And that’s it. Not as funny as I had planned for it to be…..the point is, if I read one more thing about a politician flip-flopping, I will totally start another blog about it. Every politician (at least the successful ones) wants to be liked, wants votes, and will do whatever they can – and that includes FlipFlopping.

I went to a Presidential Inauguration once…

Barack Obama is going to become president and his inauguration is THE most important thing ever to happen, if you watch/listen the cable news anchors. 50 million people are going to show up in DC on January 20th and watch the inauguration.  Probably the planet will tilt off its axis because so many followers will converge onto that part of the globe for this occasion. But, guess what?

They’ll wish they stayed home.

Yes, it’s history. It’s a must see. But I went to an inauguration in 1996 for Clinton when I lived in Washington DC as a grad student, because how often does one get a chance to see an inauguration, right? Once was enough, I think. First, it was cold (I think mid-20s). Second, you had to arrive early if you wanted a good spot (that is, a ‘good spot’ in a bad location, a pre-assigned roped off section, indicated by your Inauguration card). So, there at 7:30 am in the morning, and you’re on your feet for the next 6 hours. Nearly everyone is positioned about 10 miles from the stage.  Unless you are Michelle Obama, Rahm Emanuel, or Rick Warren, that is, and have a ticket to row 1. Seriously, there’s a few ‘up close with seats’ sections and I wasn’t offered one of those seats – you gotta be somebody to be in that section (the only consolation is that those special people are just as cold as you).

It's, uh, gonna be cold.
It's, uh, gonna be cold.

I compare it to going to a professional football game. You get the wrong seats, and you don’t know what is going on at the game and you end up watching the jumbotron for 3 hours instead. Football is great on television, but lousy, sometimes, in person. Same goes for the Inauguration. When I was at Bill Clinton’s inauguration, I could barely make out Hillary Clinton, so that’s saying something, cuz I think she was wearing some ugly dress. And I have no idea what Bill Clinton said at that inauguration. Or anybody else, for that matter. Maya Angelou was there. I Know I Why the Caged Bird Froze to Death, I think was the name of her poem. I don’t know if Monica was in town at that time, but I bet she watched it on television.

So, I’m just saying: If you can’t make the inauguration – don’t feel too bad. Sleep in, make some breakfast, and watch it on television. Just know that the people down there will be excited to be there. And they will have serious nose-drip and watery eyes from the cold weather, and their feet will be freezing, and all the Starbucks coffee the world won’t make it any more comfortable.

And I didn’t go into the traffic nightmare!

Joe Biden vs. Sarah Palin – Debate Preview, Answers to Debate Questions!

The two brightest people in America will go at it on Thursday, October 2, 2008 – they will match wits, trade barbs, be wily. But enough about Andy vs Dwight from “The Office!” (NBC is so in the tank for Andy Bernard, it makes me sick. They should just let Dwight win Angela!).

The other event – Joe Versus the Barracuda. Spoiler alert: America wins! Because I have been following for, oh, about twenty days, I think I can provide expert analysis on this whole debate thing between the Veeps (veeps is insider talk for VP which stands for Vice Prez, which stands for Vice President).

Biden plans to leave half his IQ back in Delaware "to make it fair," he says.
Biden plans to leave half his IQ back in Delaware, "because," he says "he want's the debate to be close."

Sarah Palin will be wearing – just joking!!!! I’m not going to describe what a female politician is wearing because that would be sexist. As long as she looks hot, then I’m all good with whatever she says. Joe Biden will be wearing the same suit he wore in 1972 when he left his lucrative one-year career as a lawyer and traded down to be a politician.

The debate will start with lame thank yous to the host, the audience and the building hosting the debate. Except Sarah Palin will say “thanks, but no thanks” to an offer of a glass of water.

The “moderator,” Gwen Ifill, will ask a series of incredibly stupid questions. Both candidates will answer them with their standard campaign-rally answers. But HERE, on this site, is a preview to some of their answers. I won’t give away the questions. I’ll let you hear those on Thursday night.

EXCERPTS OF ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS YOU’LL HEAR ON THURSDAY NIGHT:

Biden: “I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one of them.” (the crowd will oooh and aaah – the next morning Jay-Z’s record label will file a suit against Obama-Biden).

Palin: Biden, Hemingway called, he wants you back in that boat and on the sea pronto!”

Biden: I know foreign policy. I’ve been everywhere. When you’re from Delaware, you want to travel! (the next day, Delaware Chamber of Commerce files a lawsuit against Biden).

Palin: I read newspapers. Both sides. And I have seen all three Bourne movies, so, please, I know foreign policy.

Biden: I didn’t hear the question, Gwen. I was busy admiring my last answer.

Palin: My favorite SNL skit this season? Oh, I’d say the one with the Joe Biden parody. Oh, you say that hasn’t happened yet. Interesting…

Palin: Hillary Clinton is a woman with 18 million cracks.

Biden: My wife is one of those cracks. One of the good ones. (the next day, his wife files for divorce)

The debate will end with a handshake – between “moderator” Gwen Ifill and Joe Biden. She will nod to him like “see, I told you and O that I was gonna do you a solid.” Biden will act like he knows what she meant but later will ask Obama – “what’s a solid?” He will say “it’s like a favor,” but Biden will still feel like it means something else and remain suspicious of his exotic partner and politician.

Andy Bernard and Dwight Schrute, American heroes.
Andy Bernard and Dwight Schrute, American heroes.

My SNL audition – writing! the Incesticide edition!

Hey, how brilliant is Saturday Night Live these days? I am thinking of submitting the following ideas, about how newspapers are out-of-touch and plain ol’ crazy, and go after unsubstantiated rumor/stories such as:

Tina Fey got that scar on her chin when she had sex with her dad.

Obama has sex with his daughters.

Lorne Michaels had sex with all the dead players from SNL – yeah, after they were dead, too.

Senate candidate and SNL writer Al Franken has sex with his sons.

Geez, that was easy. I think I have “it” to write for SNL. The sad thing is, years ago that would have been my dream job but I’ve learned since then how you have to be Ivy League material. (because you know, only Ivy League writers know ‘funny.’)

"Saturday Night Live," because "Circle Jerk" was taken
"Saturday Night Live," because "Circle Jerk" was too obvious.

Seriously, this post is just pointing out that being edgy in a skit doesn’t mean being stupidly offensive, as the show was last week. The SNL shows have always been about 25% funny, and 75% lame – a little less so lately. That’s not exactly news, I know, but I wish it weren’t so. This latest program shows that they are headed into a season with some of the worst writing EVER. They know they’ve lost the ‘cool’ factor to The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, and even Geraldo Live (I mean, did you see Geraldo falling in the water – that’s funnier than anything on SNL)

One reason: the talent pool. They keep going to the same ‘sketch comedy’ dork schools – all self-referential, all aware that existing at said ‘sketch comedy’ dork school may lead to SNL (their dream). And apparently nobody at SNL can remember one single line of dialogue. Instead, it’s 90 minutes of ‘talent’ trying to read their lines casually while trying to be funny. And don’t give me the “they only have one week to rehearse” when in fact they spend most of the week dicking around, selecting the skits late in the week. Whose fault is that?. Lorne Michaels, Canadian.

The show is on auto-pilot, has been for about 20 years. There are more laughs in a GEICO commercial. The reason: Lorne Michaels. Yes, he created the show, produces it now, and apparently is one lazy dude.

If there’s no other indication that the show is on auto-pilot is the opening monologue. No matter who is the host, no matter what is going on, the monologue ALWAYS ends with “so stick around we’ve got a great show!” – BORING. And then the rest of the show goes into ‘same’ mode. How about having a stand-up comedian somewhere in the middle of the show, like the old days? Or having a host because they are funny, not because they are plugging their latest show. And how about a 20 year ban on athletes performing?

Yeah, I cant believe you watch this either
"Yeah, I can't believe anyone still watches SNL, either."

Barack Obama: John McCain Can’t Send Email…McCain: I can IM like a mutha

Today, Barack Obama’s campaign unveiled an ad pointing out the fact that John McCain does not use email. OMG!

(Nevermind that John McCain cannot use a keyboard due to the injuries suffered as POW. Oops! I’ll leave that to the other sites to dissect)

Anyway, later the John McCain campaign, in response to the ad, released transcripts demonstrating that John McCain wasn’t big on email, but loved to IM.

Here, for example, was Senator McCain’s IM log from late 1999, to wife Cindy McCain:

McCain2000Prez4sure: yo, C, what’s up?

AZGirl54: not much. just chillin’. getting my eBay fix.

McCain200Prez4sure: Sweet. Hey, have U talked 2 the kidz?

AZGirl54: oh, wait. BRB.

McCain200Prez4sure: OK.

AZGirl54: I’m back. I talked 2 kids y-day.

McCain200Prez4sure: R they coming 2 the rally next week?

AZGirl54: Just 1/2 of them.

McCain200Prez4sure: Which 1s?

AZGirl54: Does it matter?

McCain200Prez4sure: No. LOL.

AZGirl54: LOL. Ooh. I just won some dishes. Do we have a PayPal account, yet?

McCain200Prez4sure: We do 🙂

AZGirl54: Gr8.

McCain200Prez4sure: R U going 2 join the St8t Talk Xpress 2moro?

AZGirl54: IDK. I’ll get back 2 U.

McCain200Prez4sure: GGN

AZGirl54: Bye.

John McCain can IM.
John McCain can IM.

Joe Biden: I love Me Some Pig – don’t listen to the other guy

Today Joe Biden condemned his fellow Senator’s remarks, referring to Sarah Palin as a pig with lipstick.

“Let’s just get one thing clear. I love pigs. With or without lipstick. Barack doesn’t and I don’t know why. He’s weird, okay.”

I cant believe Im on this ticket
Joe hearts Pigs

BONUS MATERIAL: Predictable, extremist commentary: You know who else doesn’t like pigs? Muslims! Oh MY GOD! That’s proof that Barack is a muslim!!!!!! He doesn’t like pigs, aka Pork!!!!! I am totally forwarding this to my friends.