All My Mad Max Fury Road jokes

Hi nerds,

I was posting some funny (maybe) jokes on FB the past week because my life is so damn awesome. I am posting them here so as to reach that one person in Brazil or France who finds my site.

JOKES:

1. Mad Max Fury Road was written/directed by a 70 year old. Last time I saw a 70 year-old involved with so many crazy car crashes I was at the Rite Aid parking lot. ‪#‎madmaxpharmacyroad‬

2. in the film Mad Max: Fury Road, Max has to drive across a desert wasteland with 5 women. Do you know how many bathroom stops that is?

3. in the film Mad Max: Fury Road, Max has to drive across a desert wasteland with 5 women. that’s 5 women yelling at him “Do you even KNOW where you are going? did you even read the map!?” ‪#‎1001madmaxjokesrighthere‬

4. thanks to Mad Max: Fury Road, when I see a truck hauling gasoline now I undo my seatbelt and begin crawling out of my car so that I can leap and take possession of all that fuel. ‪#‎madmark‬

5. In the movie Mad Max Fury Road, an old crazy white guy controls the water supply for his people….Gov Jerry Brown says that’s his favorite character. ‪#‎moonbeamwetdream‬ ‪#‎madmaxedoutjokes‬

6 (final). in the movie Mad Max: Fury Road, the main character….the main character is all….wait!…shit I can’t think of another mad max joke. I had a good run with those. According to FB, my Mad Max jokes reached over 9 people, which is, I think, the definition of ‘going viral’, so thank you. With the ad revenue generated from those joke posts, I’ve earned enough to visit Gas Town. And I don’t mean Taco Bell! (ha ha, suckas – you didn’t think I had another Mad Max joke – get outta here – never stop, never surrender)

That’s it – some clever, probably obvious jokes about THE best movie of the year so far – Mad Max: Fury Road.

Here’s a photo related to Mad Max: Fury Road (because I know people like photos)

this is what it sometimes feels like doing stand-up comedy

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Fast Food Workers on Strike – please pull forward!

Again, some fast food workers in some major cities are striking to bring attention to their low wages, demanding $15/hour.  Nevermind what might be in the mcnugget – we’ll solve that mystery later. Let’s tackle this wage thing because as we know fast food workers have it worst than anybody in the world past or present.   I’ve heard that as the strikers marched, they chanted and sang songs but nobody could understand them through the shitty headset and microphone. ha ha!

But, let’s laugh a little about fast food! Here are some jokes I sometimes tell. They do not translate to the page that well. Just read with sarcasm.

My local McDonald’s is pretty awesome. You can go through the drive-thru and get a large coke with the lid almost all the way on. You want the fries upside down in the bag – you don’t have to ask. They got you covered.

I love In-N-Out Burger. I go through the drive-thru about 2 times a week. I know in about 30 years, I’ll have to go to go through the Walgreens drive thru to get prescriptions. Basically, Walgreens is In-N-Out Burger for old people.

I went through In-N-Out Burger the other day, ordered  it “to go” but I ended up eating it in the car. I called them when I got home, because I know they are so organized. I said “this is customer #327, and it’s time to update your records cuz I said “to go” and I ate it in the car!”    

————-#—————-

If you look closely, you can see the chick who screwed up my order three years ago. I ordered a burger with no onions and got a chicken sandwich.

Finally, not that funny, more of a ‘stoner’ type thought (I’m not a stoner but I have stoner thoughts), apparently is my air-tight theory about In-N-Out Burger being the type of burger joint Hitler would run. In-N-Out Burger is a Nazi front:

1. In-N-Out Burger. Three burgers on the men (Third Reich); white uniforms? served in brown-shirt colored to-go boxes.

2. SS – secret sauce? (or special sauce)

3. Nazy Germany was basically in and out of France in a matter of years. What is on their menu – burgers (german) and….french fries (!) – it’s obvious In-N-Out Burger believes germans and french are compatriots.

4.  I consider the yellow arrow an artistic representation of a saluting arm, which intersects the “N” in In-N-Out – N=Nazi.

There it is. Couldn’t be any clearer! Not that funny but really, I am always suspicious of organization that operates so efficiently. I do love In-N-Out Burger – for the food (yes, it’s fast food but it’s tastier than the others) – and how they operate – they pay a decent starting wage. They seem to hire efficient, pleasant, hard workers.

Perhaps it’s a regional thing. Perhaps those workers in the big failed cities have so few opportunities not because of the fast food industry but for other reasons. I’ll leave that to the experts, but here’s a news flash – fast food strikes are not in the top 10 worries of most Americans.

More seriously (and if you’re reading this far, thank you). I worked fast food during high school in the late 1980s ($4.25/hour  – according to this calculator that is the equivalent of $9 so, news flash – minimum wage has always been, you know, low). It’s a good first job. It’s an easy job. Yes, it’s true, easy jobs can be stressful and not so fun, but overall, the skills required to work fast food are minimal. There was also a lot of goofing off (gee, really? a bunch of high school kids in charge at 11 pm? what could go wrong?)  Unless you have plans on being a manager and building management skills, it’s a place to learn basic human interaction and teamwork. A place to learn punctuality, cleanliness, customer service, and basic math skills. But since so many people are special and stars of their own special world, these skills are often hard to learn.  Fast food restaurants (and workers) are not a necessity like some public works employees/police/fire/hospital so I don’t see their edge in terms of getting a higher wage or forming a union (btw, if they unionize, any wage gains would probably go to the unions, so knock yourself out, strikers).  In fact, the fast food product is bad for you – like candy. Like cigarettes. Like the WB channel.  And, sorry, but it’s the type of work that a robot can and will do very soon.

 

 

 

Fat Shaming My Cat – a joke

Good evening,

The last of my cat jokes is one I came up with recently after a trip to the visit with my cat Butters (yes, Butters). Goes a little something like this (or, as Hedberg would say, “It goes exactly like this…”)

 

I took my cat the vet the other day. The vet says my cat Butters is too fat. Overweight by a couple of pounds. Fat shaming my cat right there in the office, two feet away from my cat and her chocolate donut. I cover Butters’ ears.

“She can hear you,” I said. “Let’s ease up on the descriptors. “I know the book read by animal docs  “All Creatures Great and Small” exclude fatties but doesn’t mean you have to be rude.”

He goes “well, she is overweight.”

I said “No kidding? A cat named Butters is overweight? Her name isn’t Vegetable Oil for a reason.  I’d be upset if my cat named Butters wasn’t a little tubby, thank you.”

So he finishes checking Butters and she’s fine. I ask him, “So what’s the downside of having a fat cat?”

And the vet says “well, a shorter life-span.”

And I said ” ‘No, I said, what’s the downside?’ Because what I heard you just say is that my time scooping the litter box is going to be shortened a great deal, and that sounds pretty good to me.”

(so, that’s how it goes. again, better in person. cat jokes are the new airplane jokes, imo).  (by the way – I like the joke/story above because it applies a ‘viral topic’ (Fat Shaming) to a pet – if I were better storyteller, I could expand on the whole topic of fat shaming via the cat – maybe I will later.

Butters before the fat shaming
Butters before the fat shaming. She is currently in counseling and attends Weight Watchers for Cats which meets at 3 am every Tuesday. She has hired an attorney to represent her in the civil suit against the animal doctor, who she describes as “unprofessional” and “stingy” with treats.

 

 

 


Bonus story – dramatic real lives of cats:

The other day (8/26), my other cat, Mia Wallace the Cat (so named because she has brown hair and likes to throw up occasionally….) died unexpectedly. She was about 11 years old, seemingly healthy. But, on Tuesday morning, her back legs weren’t working right so I rushed her to the hospital (almost just like JT rushing UT to Lance’s house to get the little black medical book and “the shot”).  I got her to the vet, and it was quickly determined that Mia was going to Cat Heaven on the express bus.

Almost as quickly, was me going to the front desk to pay the bill for the work that had been done and the cremation to follow. The woman said “I’m sorry to hear about your cat. It’s $205.”

I was thinking “what does she charge when she’s not sorry. Jesus. Was that brainiac doctor from CNN, Sanjya Gupta, back there working on the cat? Bill Nye the Science Guy – is he working in the back?” But, whatever, you pay (seriously, the folks at the vet hospital were great) and you go home. Without your cat.

Butters and Mia. Sisters from another mister. The Fried Green Tomatoes of Cats.
Butters and Mia – couch surfing.

 

 

 

 

No more Mia Wallace cat jokes. Not right now.  This is a good example, though, of joke-telling jokes that are personal and not your ordinary stuff. Makes it easier to remember, makes (sometimes) a connection to the audience. If you are in a line-up of comedians all talking about one common subject, you may not be heard/remembered. Tell something a little personal, a little honest, something that reflects your personality/interests, then I think you will do better as a funny person (whether or not you do stand-up).

Yet another Joke by me, analyzed by me!

Hello,

Let’s try to take the fun of out comedy by analyzing jokes. Ha! Actually, this is more of an exercise for my benefit. I did this earlier and plan on a few more post going over my jokes (but not all will be about dead pets/people – I promise). Anyway, part of the purpose is I write down a joke, have it saved on my blog but in writing about it, I may learn something.

As I mentioned before, any jokes I discuss are by me and are funny(funnier?) when heard in person due to my awesome presentation skills (or they are not funny at all).

The last joke I analyzed was about a dead dog and bereavement time. The joke below is about potentially dead cats but I write it here because it’s also very timely! Topical humor, people!

JOKE:

I pulled into my driveway the other day. I looked over and saw a neighbor of mine with a bucket of water and a box with some feral kittens. He was getting ready to drown these poor kittens! I immediately got out of my car, grabbed a stick, and walked over there and said “hey, asshole, I see what you’re about to do. I can’t let you do it. We are in a water shortage – a drought! Use this” and I throw him the stick. (to audience I say something about even animal abusers being more socially responsible, etc…

(this joke does not translate too well to the page  and the wording in the joke I’ve written may not have the impact. It also makes me sound like a monster. But in drought-ridden California, it’s funny).

I think this jokes works for several reasons:

1. My presentation is always of a pretty calm guy, a short nerd, so the idea of me grabbing a stick and confronting anyone is, hopefully, funny (when I first told this joke, I said “baseball bat” and when the crowd laughed, I was surprised – didn’t even occur to me that it was a funny image. But it was so I kept it. Another version has me telling the guy that the water he’s using better be ‘gray water’ (dirty) or to do this awful extermination while taking a shower.

2. Topical – here in California, it’s drought drought drought, and this is a darkly humorous take on the impacts of the water shortage – so bad that a (bad) guy can’t even some feral kittens.

3. The word “feral”. Drowning cats or kittens is awful. I use the word ‘feral’ to at least soften the blow a little because we associate feral kittens as a nuisance, like cute squirrels that could be dangerous.  Maybe it doesn’t matter but I think it’s interesting to note it, that it is something I include in this joke as a possible buffer.

In one of the variations, I had a tag line “swing away, Merril. Merrill, swing away” a quote from the film Signs, about an alien invasion that is, in part, thwarted by their aversion to water (the character Merrill is a baseball athlete who swings his bat at some glasses filled with water to fight back against an home-invanding alien).

That I got to add that tag line was fun for me. A small inside joke for those who had seen this movie and got the connection between the water and baseball bat. I may still include it when I tell this joke.

A comedian may get bored with some of their jokes and I think adding little bits like this to the main bit can keep it fresh (you can remove/add different ‘insider’ jokes if it helps.). The main premise stands – some jerk stopped from drowning cats NOT because it’s  wrong but because of the drought and the waste of water it represents.

Like the joke about the dead dog, this joke also catches the crowd’s attention because immediately they are presented with an image of my neighbor preparing to drown a box of cats – holy shit, right!?  So, they snap to attention, see where I’m leading to and so forth. Not the smartest joke, but it engages their mind to think about a) the crime/morality of drowning cats and b) the drought and nanny-state rules/fines over wasting water.

That is all.  Again, I’m writing this more for me, but also so that potential comedians see how one might view a joke after it’s been created and why it has the impact/effectiveness that I think it has. If you are thinking of performing stand-up comedy or writing jokes, you better understand a little why something is funny because you’ll save a lot of time but then you will also find those jokes that are funny for NO APPARENT REASON – it will happen and in those cases, that is just plain magic (I will discuss one of these moments some time later).

I could be totally wrong – this may not be funny at all to you, in which case you are invited to click away, Merrill. Merrill, click away.

PREVIOUS Joke Analysis.

 

Advice for Checkwriters in line at the store (a topic that always needs rehashing)

This post is intended for the family and friends of people who still write checks for their purchases at the grocery store. I assume that anyone who is still writing checks at a store also have not heard of the internet. So, pass this on. Print it out, and put it up on the fridge of the checkwriting fools.

I like George Bush, but if he took forever to write a check I would give him the evil eye. Although that would never happen because Barbara does all the shopping.

There is no law prohibiting a customer in line at a store from filling out their check payment slip with as much possible information readily available to them. You know – the DATE and the name of the STORE.

The other day I was in line at a grocery store and in front of me was an OLD lady. That’s right – ‘OLD lady.’ I said it.  They exist and I don’t mind mentioning that someone is OLD, and that BEING OLD is partly responsible for POOR CHECK WRITING MANNERS.  How many young people do you see hold their checkbook throughout their entire wait in line, only to begin filling out the check once everything is rung up and the total is provided.

The OLD lady at the store, the one in front of me, seemed nice enough. It was a Saturday. As we all know, people over 90 are quite busy during the week – Saturday is their time to catch up on shit they didn’t get done, I guess. I’m in line, waiting for the clerk to process the coupons for the OLD lady, and answer her questions about God knows what. Only when the total is given did the OLD lady set her check book down and begin writing.  Maybe she needed the little narrow table to write out the bank I.O.U. I don’t know. But I do know this: OLD ladies purposely take FOREVER to fill out a check while in public. These are the same jokers who can play along with Wheel of Fortune and who can whip up dinners for 12 in no time flat. They know what they’re doing. Whatever happens at age 80, some sort of perverse thrill is had by OLD people in taking their sweet time completing certain tasks. Driving among them.  Writing a check at a pace slower than a snail is one of those small pleasures for them.  They love it. As an OLD, they know their time is limited and that everyone else is in a hurry. Damn them, they say, I’ll take control of this show and slow IT ALL DOWN!!  And they do. Like when your anti-virus software turns on to UPDATE and your computer slows to a crawl.

The OLD lady completed her check in just under 3 minutes.  There are only 4 lines on a check (Date, Payee, Amount, Signature; five if you count the Memo field, which perhaps is the problem. At least she had a ballpoint pen and not a pen and ink jar circa 1779. When she asked the clerk what the date was for that day, I rolled my eyes a million times, hoping the security cameras would catch my impatience and call a CODE RED, all cashiers to the front ALARM. They did not.  OLD lady, I thought, you could have filled in the DATE this morning. You left the house with a mission: get your hair done and go to the store. The date was probably on your countertop in BIG LETTERS!  You probably read the DATE on the newspaper masthead at 5:30 am in the morning. You get up SUPER EARLY so you should know the DATE since you’ve been up longer than any of us!!

Finally, the OLD lady finished her check and left – I wished everyone around me a Happy Birthday because I was sure that while in line someone had turned a new age.  I suspect that by the time I arrived home ten minutes, she was just pulling out of the store’s parking lot.

OLD and YOUNG People LISTEN: you have every right to write a check for your purchase. But please, please, please – while standing in line, feel free to fill out the DATE, STORE, SIGNATURE – do it for no other reason than that it is in the Patriot Act.

Jokes of Angelo Bowers

I post this so that I can visit this twitter feed later and be reminded of comedian Angelo Bowers’ humor and wit. I’m afraid I’ll forget. Bowers has some very MitchHedberg-like jokes, which I always appreciate.   I did not know him – just heard about his unfortunate passing last week, when he was killed by a drunk driver. I’m grateful for his friends, family, and fans for contributing to the twitter feed:

https://twitter.com/#!/angelosjokes

I lost my mom to a drunk driver 10 years ago, so I feel for the family and friends of Bowers and what they must be going through.  In time,  I hope they can be comforted  as much as possible, by the fact that Bowers’ jokes and video clips will (or should) live online and provide everyone a chance to hear and read his unique and clever sense of humor.

 

jokes, thoughts

i can’t think of a new joke, so let’s write shit down. i saw ‘step brothers’ the movie (not the play, ha ha. not yet, anyway) and it was funny, in a tard sort of way – good for a laugh. I was having a laugh, as they say, at the movie. It kinda fizzles toward the end but what comedy doesn’t? Comedy films should all be 60 minutes.

new jokes may involve mouse traps (how many jokes do you know that involve mouse traps ) – they are funny things. It’s like America’s Funniest Home Videos without the camcorder and it ends awfully for the mouse.  And if you put one in a hamster cage, the same thing happens, so it’s not just a mouse trap. Ugh. So, I’m thinking of something involving a mouse trap.

High Definition – that’s a tech trend that is really not necessary. “Poor” people have high definition television sets and blu-ray dvd players. WTF. Remember that when people bitch about the price of gas. At Walmart, they sell Blu Ray DVDs – Blue Collar Tour on Blu-Ray – finally! So, that’s on my mind. Do they have food stamps in hi-def? Is it really necessary to see everything in hi-def. And is it ‘hi-def’ or ‘high-def’ (which may indicate elevation of definition). People are more concerned with how things appear on their tv sets (story boxes), rather than how they appear in real life. Full disclosure – i have a hi-def tv but I wear glasses so I need it. j/k. I don’t own a blu-ray player. Also, i don’t need my ‘sound’ surrounding me at every turn. (actually, i do have a joke about this which I told last time around on stage and it’s kinda funny but not gonna write it here).

Watching the AMC show “Mad Men” – just discovered it and not sure yet what to make of it, except that it makes me feel like the biggest slob ever. Everyone dressed nicely back then, now matter the social status. Now, they don’t.

The cool song in Pineapple Express trailer isn’t on the soundtrack. It’s called Paper Planes, by M.I.A. Why this happens is a big concern to me.

I’m reading a John Irving novel “Until I Find You” and it’s kinda funny – I’m a 1/3 of the way through it. Will I finish it. Hopefully.