The last of my cat jokes is one I came up with recently after a trip to the visit with my cat Butters (yes, Butters). Goes a little something like this (or, as Hedberg would say, “It goes exactly like this…”)
I took my cat the vet the other day. The vet says my cat Butters is too fat. Overweight by a couple of pounds. Fat shaming my cat right there in the office, two feet away from my cat and her chocolate donut. I cover Butters’ ears.
“She can hear you,” I said. “Let’s ease up on the descriptors. “I know the book read by animal docs “All Creatures Great and Small” exclude fatties but doesn’t mean you have to be rude.”
He goes “well, she is overweight.”
I said “No kidding? A cat named Butters is overweight? Her name isn’t Vegetable Oil for a reason. I’d be upset if my cat named Butters wasn’t a little tubby, thank you.”
So he finishes checking Butters and she’s fine. I ask him, “So what’s the downside of having a fat cat?”
And the vet says “well, a shorter life-span.”
And I said ” ‘No, I said, what’s the downside?’ Because what I heard you just say is that my time scooping the litter box is going to be shortened a great deal, and that sounds pretty good to me.”
(so, that’s how it goes. again, better in person. cat jokes are the new airplane jokes, imo). (by the way – I like the joke/story above because it applies a ‘viral topic’ (Fat Shaming) to a pet – if I were better storyteller, I could expand on the whole topic of fat shaming via the cat – maybe I will later.
Bonus story – dramatic real lives of cats:
The other day (8/26), my other cat, Mia Wallace the Cat (so named because she has brown hair and likes to throw up occasionally….) died unexpectedly. She was about 11 years old, seemingly healthy. But, on Tuesday morning, her back legs weren’t working right so I rushed her to the hospital (almost just like JT rushing UT to Lance’s house to get the little black medical book and “the shot”). I got her to the vet, and it was quickly determined that Mia was going to Cat Heaven on the express bus.
Almost as quickly, was me going to the front desk to pay the bill for the work that had been done and the cremation to follow. The woman said “I’m sorry to hear about your cat. It’s $205.”
I was thinking “what does she charge when she’s not sorry. Jesus. Was that brainiac doctor from CNN, Sanjya Gupta, back there working on the cat? Bill Nye the Science Guy – is he working in the back?” But, whatever, you pay (seriously, the folks at the vet hospital were great) and you go home. Without your cat.
No more Mia Wallace cat jokes. Not right now. This is a good example, though, of joke-telling jokes that are personal and not your ordinary stuff. Makes it easier to remember, makes (sometimes) a connection to the audience. If you are in a line-up of comedians all talking about one common subject, you may not be heard/remembered. Tell something a little personal, a little honest, something that reflects your personality/interests, then I think you will do better as a funny person (whether or not you do stand-up).