I made this on Feb 11th – was surprised by a google search to not see this already created. It’s a rough photoshop job because, well, it is. It’s a joke, not a masterpiece. I hope you are amused, internet. Oscars So Milky White!
Comedy
Boston Strong? More Like Boston Tip Strong! Pizza Guy versus Used Car Lot
This hit planet Earth this week:
A story about a bunch of used car sales lot employees acting like jerks toward a pizza delivery guy. Next, on Fucking Obvious News, the sky is blue!
Hey’s nice to see white and black people working together! Even if it is working together to be assholes!
Boston Tip Strong – Never Forget. 1.14.15 $42 and some change. Numbers that forever will change the life of some people I never met. I haven’t seen a pizza get this much attention since Walter White threw his on his roof.
embedding the video is not working at the moment, but here’s the link:
a video of people being people about pizza and tips
Here’s a ‘tip’ – if you are working in a profession where you rate just above child molestors, try not acting like a jerk.
Also, commonly known to most people is don’t fuck with people who make your food. I’m sure used car sales ‘workers’ know this, even the trash in this video.
#NOJUSTICENOPIZZA
My jokes about Sony and North Korea….and Cosby of course
hi,
I’ve put some of these on FB and Twitter where it reached about 5 people so I thought I’d put it on my blog so that it reaches another 2 persons. Jokes about North Korea, Sony, Cosby, Xmas, etc….each subject divided (just like America)
1.Just saw North Korean outside local theater. What to do? Approach him? Punch him? Buy him food cuz he looks hungry?
2. In order to satisfy North Korea govt, all movie popcorn will no longer be yellow. (okay, this one is kinda dumb)
3. probaby on morning radio shows all last week: “congratulations caller #10, you’ve won 2 tickets to see The Interview on Xmas Day!”
4. The jokes on you North Korea! Hobbit – Battle of Five Armies hit theaters without a hitch!! (hint: NK are orcs)
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5. I’m guessing Cosby won’t be on Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee anytime soon…
6. I tried to binge watch season 3 of Cosby Show but I got drowsy & fell asleep. was that intentional, Cosby?
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7. “I finished my Christmas shopping” sounds better than “I just purchased 17 iTunes gift cards.”
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8. traumatized columbia and harvard law school students will someday take the low-bar exam.
9. how many harvard law students does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None – don’t ask them – they are too traumatized
10. Is it Trigger Warning or Tigger Warning? TTFN, snowflakes!
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11. the Pope says all dogs go to heaven. Saint Bernard dogs are like “duh!”
That’s it! Go back to your real websites. I know I will! Merry Christmas, nerds!
Fast Food Workers on Strike – please pull forward!
Again, some fast food workers in some major cities are striking to bring attention to their low wages, demanding $15/hour. Nevermind what might be in the mcnugget – we’ll solve that mystery later. Let’s tackle this wage thing because as we know fast food workers have it worst than anybody in the world past or present. I’ve heard that as the strikers marched, they chanted and sang songs but nobody could understand them through the shitty headset and microphone. ha ha!
But, let’s laugh a little about fast food! Here are some jokes I sometimes tell. They do not translate to the page that well. Just read with sarcasm.
My local McDonald’s is pretty awesome. You can go through the drive-thru and get a large coke with the lid almost all the way on. You want the fries upside down in the bag – you don’t have to ask. They got you covered.
I love In-N-Out Burger. I go through the drive-thru about 2 times a week. I know in about 30 years, I’ll have to go to go through the Walgreens drive thru to get prescriptions. Basically, Walgreens is In-N-Out Burger for old people.
I went through In-N-Out Burger the other day, ordered it “to go” but I ended up eating it in the car. I called them when I got home, because I know they are so organized. I said “this is customer #327, and it’s time to update your records cuz I said “to go” and I ate it in the car!”
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Finally, not that funny, more of a ‘stoner’ type thought (I’m not a stoner but I have stoner thoughts), apparently is my air-tight theory about In-N-Out Burger being the type of burger joint Hitler would run. In-N-Out Burger is a Nazi front:
1. In-N-Out Burger. Three burgers on the men (Third Reich); white uniforms? served in brown-shirt colored to-go boxes.
2. SS – secret sauce? (or special sauce)
3. Nazy Germany was basically in and out of France in a matter of years. What is on their menu – burgers (german) and….french fries (!) – it’s obvious In-N-Out Burger believes germans and french are compatriots.
4. I consider the yellow arrow an artistic representation of a saluting arm, which intersects the “N” in In-N-Out – N=Nazi.
There it is. Couldn’t be any clearer! Not that funny but really, I am always suspicious of organization that operates so efficiently. I do love In-N-Out Burger – for the food (yes, it’s fast food but it’s tastier than the others) – and how they operate – they pay a decent starting wage. They seem to hire efficient, pleasant, hard workers.
Perhaps it’s a regional thing. Perhaps those workers in the big failed cities have so few opportunities not because of the fast food industry but for other reasons. I’ll leave that to the experts, but here’s a news flash – fast food strikes are not in the top 10 worries of most Americans.
More seriously (and if you’re reading this far, thank you). I worked fast food during high school in the late 1980s ($4.25/hour – according to this calculator that is the equivalent of $9 so, news flash – minimum wage has always been, you know, low). It’s a good first job. It’s an easy job. Yes, it’s true, easy jobs can be stressful and not so fun, but overall, the skills required to work fast food are minimal. There was also a lot of goofing off (gee, really? a bunch of high school kids in charge at 11 pm? what could go wrong?) Unless you have plans on being a manager and building management skills, it’s a place to learn basic human interaction and teamwork. A place to learn punctuality, cleanliness, customer service, and basic math skills. But since so many people are special and stars of their own special world, these skills are often hard to learn. Fast food restaurants (and workers) are not a necessity like some public works employees/police/fire/hospital so I don’t see their edge in terms of getting a higher wage or forming a union (btw, if they unionize, any wage gains would probably go to the unions, so knock yourself out, strikers). In fact, the fast food product is bad for you – like candy. Like cigarettes. Like the WB channel. And, sorry, but it’s the type of work that a robot can and will do very soon.
Jokes about old people, by me
Here’s a few jokes related to age that I tell when I do stand-up. They are not personal and probably not the best ever jokes but they’re amusing.
Joke #1
My grandma has a smart phone. She has an app on it called Instagramma. It takes pictures of things she didn’t have has a kid. It comes with an electronic pill counter. And with it you can send am Instagramma photo and a $5 check to your grandchild for his/her birthday.
Joke #2
There are dating sites for all types. There is one for people over 50 called Ourtime.com. I think there needs to be a dating site for people over 87 years old called Overtime.com – because at that age, that’s what you’ are in – overtime. Find someone fast, get it and hit it. You go out, exchange power of attorney forms….or perhaps for people over 99 years of age – call it SuddenDeathMatch.com – you find your match and begin dating within 3 hours. Short walks, salt free dinners…and not to leave younger people out of it – a dating site for 3 year olds? Naptime.com. Boom.
Joke #3:
My grandma likes to say “we didn’t have that when I was a kid” usually pointing to my phone and I’m like “give it a rest” not everything was invented in 1970. Or did you think I was calling you in 1982 from my Atari phone? Shouldn’t you be writing a check for $2 somewhere?
(okay joke #3 isn’t there yet but the way I tell it is better than on paper – always is).
Fat Shaming My Cat – a joke
Good evening,
The last of my cat jokes is one I came up with recently after a trip to the visit with my cat Butters (yes, Butters). Goes a little something like this (or, as Hedberg would say, “It goes exactly like this…”)
I took my cat the vet the other day. The vet says my cat Butters is too fat. Overweight by a couple of pounds. Fat shaming my cat right there in the office, two feet away from my cat and her chocolate donut. I cover Butters’ ears.
“She can hear you,” I said. “Let’s ease up on the descriptors. “I know the book read by animal docs “All Creatures Great and Small” exclude fatties but doesn’t mean you have to be rude.”
He goes “well, she is overweight.”
I said “No kidding? A cat named Butters is overweight? Her name isn’t Vegetable Oil for a reason. I’d be upset if my cat named Butters wasn’t a little tubby, thank you.”
So he finishes checking Butters and she’s fine. I ask him, “So what’s the downside of having a fat cat?”
And the vet says “well, a shorter life-span.”
And I said ” ‘No, I said, what’s the downside?’ Because what I heard you just say is that my time scooping the litter box is going to be shortened a great deal, and that sounds pretty good to me.”
(so, that’s how it goes. again, better in person. cat jokes are the new airplane jokes, imo). (by the way – I like the joke/story above because it applies a ‘viral topic’ (Fat Shaming) to a pet – if I were better storyteller, I could expand on the whole topic of fat shaming via the cat – maybe I will later.
Bonus story – dramatic real lives of cats:
The other day (8/26), my other cat, Mia Wallace the Cat (so named because she has brown hair and likes to throw up occasionally….) died unexpectedly. She was about 11 years old, seemingly healthy. But, on Tuesday morning, her back legs weren’t working right so I rushed her to the hospital (almost just like JT rushing UT to Lance’s house to get the little black medical book and “the shot”). I got her to the vet, and it was quickly determined that Mia was going to Cat Heaven on the express bus.
Almost as quickly, was me going to the front desk to pay the bill for the work that had been done and the cremation to follow. The woman said “I’m sorry to hear about your cat. It’s $205.”
I was thinking “what does she charge when she’s not sorry. Jesus. Was that brainiac doctor from CNN, Sanjya Gupta, back there working on the cat? Bill Nye the Science Guy – is he working in the back?” But, whatever, you pay (seriously, the folks at the vet hospital were great) and you go home. Without your cat.
No more Mia Wallace cat jokes. Not right now. This is a good example, though, of joke-telling jokes that are personal and not your ordinary stuff. Makes it easier to remember, makes (sometimes) a connection to the audience. If you are in a line-up of comedians all talking about one common subject, you may not be heard/remembered. Tell something a little personal, a little honest, something that reflects your personality/interests, then I think you will do better as a funny person (whether or not you do stand-up).
MARK WIBERG 