Obviously Matt Lauer was momentarily confused, but remember this next time one of these idiot talkshow hosts climb onto their soapbox about other people’s intelligence.
As everyone knows, Henry Paulson is the Secretary of Treasury, and a banned candidate from the MacArthur Fellows Program (aka ‘ “Genius Grant”). And he’s been busy this week convincing everyone that saving these big loser banks is vital. Apparently he doesn’t think the Economy should be in one of those FAIL photo threads that are shared in emails around the world and if I had more time or interest, I would make one up.
Instead, I got Mr. Paulson on the phone, because I owe some money and I wanted to see if I could get it included in the bailout.
Mark Wiberg: Hi, Secretary of Treasury Paulson?
Henry Paulson: Call me HP.
Mark: Are you sure? Like the computer?
HP: Yes. Please. HP.
MW: Okay, HP. Hey, before I begin – you are the top dog at the Treasury Department, right?
HP: Yes I am.
MW: Did you see that movie National Treasure?
HP: I did, on an airplane some time ago.
MW: Is any of that true? Maybe we could use that treasure to help with the bailout? That stuff looked pretty real. It’s up in New York, I think, under Wall Street.
HP: (laughs) Yeah, sure it is. I don’t think that’s going to happen.
MW: What about National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets’ treasure?
HP: Again, I don’t think that the movies were entirely accurate in regards to the vasts amounts of treasure found.
MW: I dunno. I would maybe take a look at those movies again. It seems pretty accurate to me. Where did you go to film school?
HP: I didn’t go to film school.
MW: I see. Bad reel?
MW: Nothing. Listen, HP, I owe several thousand dollars to some very important people because I just had to have every DVD ever made and a kick-ass television that is so friggin’ flat and hi-def that’s it’s just sick. I thought they were all going to increase in value because sometimes DVDs go out of print and you can make like an extra $70 sometimes on a disc. It’s all pretty complicated business investment stuff tied in with major companies like Ebay and Burger King – I don’t have time to explain it – I just need action now. Can I lump my debt in with the big boys. Out of $700 billion, my money is like a drop in the ocean.
HP: I think we can help you out. And by “we” I mean everyone.
MW: Cool. Hey, can I ask you another question?
MW: Treasure of the Sierra Madre. Any chance that could help us?
HP: I don’t think so.
MW: Whatevers. I’m just saying “think outside the box” – if you’re going to pay off my debts, I want to make sure you do it in a responsible way, that you think of everything. But just make it quick!
Late Friday night, Delaware-not-Pennsylvania Senator and vice-presidential candidate Joe Biden complained to the press that absolutely nobody was investigating him. He admitted he was extremely disappointed that the McCain campaign had yet to send a team of lawyers to his home state to research his activities.
“I have skeletons in my closet, people. I have a high IQ, so my skeletons are very smart. The closet is unlocked, too. Please, pick up the phone, find something out about me. I’m a baaad guy.”
Despite hundreds of hours of media spent on the Republican vice-presidential canddiate, Sarah Palin, Barack Obama’s choice has barely registered with the American voter.
“Give me time, and I promise, I will make a gaffe or say something so inappropriate that you’ll wonder why I’m not in prison. I’m a gaffe-making-machine – just turn me on!”
Biden said if needed, he would buy air time to reveal some of his awful decisions made while a U.S. Senator for over 30 years.
“I will pay to be smeared. That’s how serious I am about winning the vice-presidency.
“I’ve been here forever, and believe me, in what little I’ve done, there are plenty of scratch-your-head moments. Did you know I voted for the United States to bomb Canada during the Stanley Cup finals? I did. I’m a total f*ck up. Just look into it, for Chrissakes!”
Barack Obama couldn’t be reached for comment, according to his advisors. “He’s too busy emailing his suporters. Something John McCAin cannot do.”
Today, Barack Obama’s campaign unveiled an ad pointing out the fact that John McCain does not use email. OMG!
(Nevermind that John McCain cannot use a keyboard due to the injuries suffered as POW. Oops! I’ll leave that to the other sites to dissect)
Anyway, later the John McCain campaign, in response to the ad, released transcripts demonstrating that John McCain wasn’t big on email, but loved to IM.
Here, for example, was Senator McCain’s IM log from late 1999, to wife Cindy McCain:
McCain2000Prez4sure: yo, C, what’s up?
AZGirl54: not much. just chillin’. getting my eBay fix.
McCain200Prez4sure: Sweet. Hey, have U talked 2 the kidz?
AZGirl54: oh, wait. BRB.
AZGirl54: I’m back. I talked 2 kids y-day.
McCain200Prez4sure: R they coming 2 the rally next week?
AZGirl54: Just 1/2 of them.
McCain200Prez4sure: Which 1s?
AZGirl54: Does it matter?
McCain200Prez4sure: No. LOL.
AZGirl54: LOL. Ooh. I just won some dishes. Do we have a PayPal account, yet?
McCain200Prez4sure: We do 🙂
McCain200Prez4sure: R U going 2 join the St8t Talk Xpress 2moro?
AZGirl54: IDK. I’ll get back 2 U.
Today Joe Biden condemned his fellow Senator’s remarks, referring to Sarah Palin as a pig with lipstick.
“Let’s just get one thing clear. I love pigs. With or without lipstick. Barack doesn’t and I don’t know why. He’s weird, okay.”
BONUS MATERIAL: Predictable, extremist commentary: You know who else doesn’t like pigs? Muslims! Oh MY GOD! That’s proof that Barack is a muslim!!!!!! He doesn’t like pigs, aka Pork!!!!! I am totally forwarding this to my friends.
Dismissing criticisms and demands by liberal bloggers to drop out of the presidential race to focus on his children, Barack Obama said he would continue, despite the fact that his kids recently scored “average” on their academic tests and continually ignore directions to keep their rooms clean.
“I know there are a lot of critics out there who say I should stay home, raise my kids, and not run for office. But, the kids are young. The littlest one – I can’t recall her name – just learn to read and, quite frankly, she isn’t that good at it. And when she’s reading to me or telling me a story, I get a little bored – she’s not exactly Garrison Keillor, if you know what I mean. I love my kids, but I just need my space.”
What about vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin, mother of five, including one with special needs?
“Listen,” he offered. “I have special needs – I especially need to get away from my own kids.”
Obama says “two” is the magic number. “I think if you have more than two kids, any decision to do anything other than raise their kids is entirely selfish. Look how the Kennedys turned out. Did you see that movie The Hills Have Eyes? That’s the Kennedys, unsupervised.”
Bon Jovi superfan and presidential candidate Barack Obama today said that his campaign “would not be bullied.” He issued this statement at a Bon Jovi concernt, in front of dozens of NJ residents.
When asked to name his favorite Bon Jovi song, Obama responded: “Living On A Prayer, of course. A Christian prayer, by the way, because I am a Christian and nothing else.”
Obama added that they were not going to be smeared or lied about.
The McCain / Palin campaign responded quickly. “Once again, Barack Obama is wrong. He was wrong on the war, wrong on the surge, and he is wrong at the Bon Jovi concert. He will, in fact, be bullied, smeared, and lied about. That’s what we do and that’s what they do. It’s called politics and, like making sausage, it gets kinda ugly.”
Later, a reporter was able to ask vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin what her favorite Bon Jovi song was, and she responded without hesitation. “Thank You For Loving Me.”
Other candidates weighed in.
Joe Biden: “No idea who Bon Jovi is, sorry.”
John McCain: “Let me get back to you on this. I have seven of their albums, I’m just not sure which ones.”