As everyone knows, Henry Paulson is the Secretary of Treasury, and a banned candidate from the MacArthur Fellows Program (aka ‘ “Genius Grant”). And he’s been busy this week convincing everyone that saving these big loser banks is vital. Apparently he doesn’t think the Economy should be in one of those FAIL photo threads that are shared in emails around the world and if I had more time or interest, I would make one up.
Instead, I got Mr. Paulson on the phone, because I owe some money and I wanted to see if I could get it included in the bailout.
Mark Wiberg: Hi, Secretary of Treasury Paulson?
Henry Paulson: Call me HP.
Mark: Are you sure? Like the computer?
HP: Yes. Please. HP.
MW: Okay, HP. Hey, before I begin – you are the top dog at the Treasury Department, right?
HP: Yes I am.
MW: Did you see that movie National Treasure?
HP: I did, on an airplane some time ago.
MW: Is any of that true? Maybe we could use that treasure to help with the bailout? That stuff looked pretty real. It’s up in New York, I think, under Wall Street.
HP: (laughs) Yeah, sure it is.I don’t think that’s going to happen.
MW: What about National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets’ treasure?
HP: Again, I don’t think that the movies were entirely accurate in regards to the vasts amounts of treasure found.
MW: I dunno. I would maybe take a look at those movies again. It seems pretty accurate to me. Where did you go to film school?
HP: I didn’t go to film school.
MW: I see.Bad reel?
MW:Nothing. Listen, HP, I owe several thousand dollars to some very important people because I just had to have every DVD ever made and a kick-ass television that is so friggin’ flat and hi-def that’s it’s just sick. I thought they were all going to increase in value because sometimes DVDs go out of print and you can make like an extra $70 sometimes on a disc. It’s all pretty complicated business investment stuff tied in with major companies like Ebay and Burger King – I don’t have time to explain it – I just need action now. Can I lump my debt in with the big boys. Out of $700 billion, my money is like a drop in the ocean.
HP: I think we can help you out. And by “we” I mean everyone.
MW: Cool. Hey, can I ask you another question?
MW: Treasure of the Sierra Madre. Any chance that could help us?
HP: I don’t think so.
MW: Whatevers. I’m just saying “think outside the box” – if you’re going to pay off my debts, I want to make sure you do it in a responsible way, that you think of everything. But just make it quick!
Late Friday night, Delaware-not-Pennsylvania Senator and vice-presidential candidate Joe Biden complained to the press that absolutely nobody was investigating him. He admitted he was extremely disappointed that the McCain campaign had yet to send a team of lawyers to his home state to research his activities.
“I have skeletons in my closet, people. I have a high IQ, so my skeletons are very smart. The closet is unlocked, too. Please, pick up the phone, find something out about me. I’m a baaad guy.”
Despite hundreds of hours of media spent on the Republican vice-presidential canddiate, Sarah Palin, Barack Obama’s choice has barely registered with the American voter.
“Give me time, and I promise, I will make a gaffe or say something so inappropriate that you’ll wonder why I’m not in prison. I’m a gaffe-making-machine – just turn me on!”
Biden said if needed, he would buy air time to reveal some of his awful decisions made while a U.S. Senator for over 30 years.
“I will pay to be smeared. That’s how serious I am about winning the vice-presidency.
“I’ve been here forever, and believe me, in what little I’ve done, there are plenty of scratch-your-head moments. Did you know I voted for the United States to bomb Canada during the Stanley Cup finals? I did. I’m a total f*ck up. Just look into it, for Chrissakes!”
Barack Obama couldn’t be reached for comment, according to his advisors. “He’s too busy emailing his suporters. Something John McCAin cannot do.”
Today Joe Biden condemned his fellow Senator’s remarks, referring to Sarah Palin as a pig with lipstick.
“Let’s just get one thing clear. I love pigs. With or without lipstick. Barack doesn’t and I don’t know why. He’s weird, okay.”
BONUS MATERIAL: Predictable, extremist commentary: You know who else doesn’t like pigs? Muslims! Oh MY GOD! That’s proof that Barack is a muslim!!!!!! He doesn’t like pigs, aka Pork!!!!! I am totally forwarding this to my friends.
Dismissing criticisms and demands by liberal bloggers to drop out of the presidential race to focus on his children, Barack Obama said he would continue, despite the fact that his kids recently scored “average” on their academic tests and continually ignore directions to keep their rooms clean.
“I know there are a lot of critics out there who say I should stay home, raise my kids, and not run for office. But, the kids are young. The littlest one – I can’t recall her name – just learn to read and, quite frankly, she isn’t that good at it. And when she’s reading to me or telling me a story, I get a little bored – she’s not exactly Garrison Keillor, if you know what I mean. I love my kids, but I just need my space.”
What about vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin, mother of five, including one with special needs?
“Listen,” he offered. “I have special needs – I especially need to get away from my own kids.”
Obama says “two” is the magic number. “I think if you have more than two kids, any decision to do anything other than raise their kids is entirely selfish. Look how the Kennedys turned out. Did you see that movie The Hills Have Eyes? That’s the Kennedys, unsupervised.”