As everyone knows, Henry Paulson is the Secretary of Treasury, and a banned candidate from the MacArthur Fellows Program (aka ‘ “Genius Grant”). And he’s been busy this week convincing everyone that saving these big loser banks is vital. Apparently he doesn’t think the Economy should be in one of those FAIL photo threads that are shared in emails around the world and if I had more time or interest, I would make one up.
Instead, I got Mr. Paulson on the phone, because I owe some money and I wanted to see if I could get it included in the bailout.
Mark Wiberg: Hi, Secretary of Treasury Paulson?
Henry Paulson: Call me HP.
Mark: Are you sure? Like the computer?
HP: Yes. Please. HP.
MW: Okay, HP. Hey, before I begin – you are the top dog at the Treasury Department, right?
HP: Yes I am.
MW: Did you see that movie National Treasure?
HP: I did, on an airplane some time ago.
MW: Is any of that true? Maybe we could use that treasure to help with the bailout? That stuff looked pretty real. It’s up in New York, I think, under Wall Street.
HP: (laughs) Yeah, sure it is. I don’t think that’s going to happen.
MW: What about National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets’ treasure?
HP: Again, I don’t think that the movies were entirely accurate in regards to the vasts amounts of treasure found.
MW: I dunno. I would maybe take a look at those movies again. It seems pretty accurate to me. Where did you go to film school?
HP: I didn’t go to film school.
MW: I see. Bad reel?
MW: Nothing. Listen, HP, I owe several thousand dollars to some very important people because I just had to have every DVD ever made and a kick-ass television that is so friggin’ flat and hi-def that’s it’s just sick. I thought they were all going to increase in value because sometimes DVDs go out of print and you can make like an extra $70 sometimes on a disc. It’s all pretty complicated business investment stuff tied in with major companies like Ebay and Burger King – I don’t have time to explain it – I just need action now. Can I lump my debt in with the big boys. Out of $700 billion, my money is like a drop in the ocean.
HP: I think we can help you out. And by “we” I mean everyone.
MW: Cool. Hey, can I ask you another question?
MW: Treasure of the Sierra Madre. Any chance that could help us?
HP: I don’t think so.
MW: Whatevers. I’m just saying “think outside the box” – if you’re going to pay off my debts, I want to make sure you do it in a responsible way, that you think of everything. But just make it quick!