Whitney Houston Funeral DVD On Sale Now!

Hey America, act now and purchase the Official Whitney Houston Funeral DVD, which was aired on every “news” channel the morning of February 18, 2012.  Running time: 4 hours/ Bonus features include:

Audio Commentary by party friends (aka Enablers). Listen as they explain how they let their golden goose party all week long before her death!
 
Trivia! Can you name Whitney Houston’s last recorded song? That’s okay, nobody can! But we’re all such BIG fans.
 
Music videos! These antiquated art pieces showcased popular songs of their day.
 
Crack is Whack – a documentary about celebrities and their super awesome health care provider network. Never before scene footage of below-average physicians working with the world’s most famous (and important) people.
 
An essay by the Reverend Jesse Jackson “Yes, I Will Be At Every Televised Funeral”

On sale now for $29.99 you cheap bastards.

Related: Celebrity Mortality Rates Skyrocket

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If I Were A Horrible Headline Writer…

if I were a horrible headline writer….

“ACORN Goes Nuts Over Videos!”

Raise Up Off these Nuts, Acorn Rep says”

Dude Who Married One-Legged Gold-Digger Releases Rock Band Video Game”

“Ex-Prez Says Peanut Butter Hates Chocolate”

slow night, but these came to mind so I thought I’d post ’em.

The Huffington Post Means Business – Goes with Largest Font-Size Every Made

fake news

With the 2008 election only 48 days away, The Huffington Post announced they would begin using the largest font-size ever on their front page headlines.

1,000 pt.

Tired of their 60 pt font, editors at the HuffPost said they would get their stories across better if they used a larger font.

“Tomorrow we’re going with, 1,000 pt font-sizes announcing that John McCain is the devil. We tried it in 48 pt font and we convinced only 14,357 people. We need to convince more.”

Turn it up to 11.
Turn it up to 11.

Insiders say the new font-size will require two monitors to read.

“It’s stupid, but it’s definitely innovative,” said one expert via his Go Phone.

Arianna TheHuffingtonpost, the owner of the site, who coincidentally shares the same name as the website, said something at a press conference but nobody could understand a word.

David Foster Wallace – the end. Author passes away

I use my site to think/write out jokes/ideas on news, etc., but occasionally will make mention of something serious. Unfortunately, that has happened this evening, with the report that David Foster Wallace has died, apparently by suicide.

I admit I have not read everything of his, but did recently read the collection of essays in Consider the Lobster, which were excellent.

Consider David Foster Wallace
Consider: David Foster Wallace

He’ s probably best known for his large novel Infinite Jest – which I own but have yet to read yet. It’s just one of those books – you want to read, you hear it’s good, you buy it, but it’s so damn heavy. As someone who earned a MFA, has written very little, and who loves a good essay or novel, I appreciate very much what he did, and the fact that he was teaching English and writing in Southern California.

I don’t know enough about David Foster Wallace to even speculate the reasons for his passing. It’s unfortunate.

At Wikipedia, you can read a bibliography.

UPDATE: A colleague of David’s writes about him here at Huffington Post.

And here’s an interview of David on the Charlie Rose Show from 1997. Even if you’ve never read anything by David, watch it – they cover dozens of topics – film, writing, etc.

Another appearance here on Charlie Rose, with writers Mark Leyner and Jonathan Franzen, having a great discussion on books, reading, and the impact of culture on their writing.

ADDED 9/14/08: I just want to note how embarrassing it is, although not unexpected, that there is no mention of DFW’s passing on television. At least, I haven’t seen one mention of it on any of the major cable news shows – yet I’ve seen the stupid SNL clip from last night a thousand times in 3 hours. This is why people rely on the internet for news.

FINALLY, I want to add this, in light of this news – the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline’s website, which has useful information for anyone who needs help or knows someone who does, including the phone #1-800-273-TALK. Is it a guarantee they can help? No, it isn’t, but humor me and call if it you think you should.

Tim Shriver and Special Olympics Denounce MTV Awards Show and Host’s Use of the R-Word (retard) – oh, wait – they didn’t!

Following Sunday evening’s televised awards show on MTV, Tim Shriver, chairman of the Special Olympics, said he was totally considering doing or saying something about MTV for the awards show host Russell Brand’s use of the word “retarded” in referring to President George Bush.

Russell Brand Hates Retarded Cowboys
Russell Brand Hates "Retarded Cowboy" Bush, Loves the Royal Family.

“I am this close to saying something about it. As soon as MTV’s parent company/owner Sumner Redstone is done donating to the Democratic party, I am going to write a letter. I might even mail it.”

Shriver and other organizations who support special needs people, say they want the “r-word” to no longer be part of everyday vocabulary, unless it is used by an employee of a major donor.

Hating the R-Word, selectively
Tim Shriver, Hating the R-Word like nobody's business.

“Hey, I know the r-word is offensive – it’s soooo offensive that I called for a boycott on a stupid little parody film (Tropic Thunder). Now, when I hear someone use that word, the r-word, on a televised program owned by a company that donates money to my family’s political party, I do get pretty fed up. I am so angry I could spit.”

When asked if there was a difference between host Russell Brand’s use and the film Tropic Thunder’s use of the “r-word,” Shriver didn’t hesitate.

“That is the most r-worded question I’ve heard today. The difference is that I get to decide what is allowed. Isn’t that clear?”

Obama Fundraiser: $2,500 to hear Barbara Streisand, or for $5,000 you can stay home.

It was reported today that “Change You Can Believe In” presidential candidate Barack Obama will collect some cash from a September 16th fundraiser headlined by cutting-edge artist, and 17-time MTV VMA winning artist, Barbara Streisand, who currently resides at the Smithsonian.

Singer/Actress Barbara Streisand has an IQ of 323.
Singer/Actress Barbara Streisand has an IQ of 323, and has helped 1 out of 4 politicians reach the White House with her superior singing and dance skills.

The event will be a $2,500 a plate reception, with the option for Democrats in attendence to donate $5,000 if they want to leave early and avoid Streisand’s act.

Barack was said to be thrilled. “I can’t tell how many times Michelle and I listen to Barbara’s records. Really, I can’t.”

As an earlier supporter of Hillary Clinton’s campaign, and John Kerry’s in 2004, and Al Gore’s in 2000, Barbara Streisand was the obvious choice for a fundraiser.

“Hey, a broken clock is right twice a day. Sooner or later she’s gonna back a winner, and I have a good feeling about this time,” a Obama spokesman was sorta quoted as saying.

NBC’s David Gregory says “you’re in my seat, losers!” to Olbermann and Matthews

Stretch to the rescue!
Stretch to the rescue!

Today, dork reporter David Gregory came in to his house after a few games of hoops, a game tall people play, and he gets a phone call:

NBC/MSNBC: Hey, David, this is your boss.

David Gregory: What’s up? And call me ‘Stretch,’ like the Prez, please.

NBC/MSNBC: We’re moving the idiots.

David Gregory: You’re getting rid of Matt and Meredith?

NBC/MSNBC: No. The other ones.

(brief silence)

David Gregory: I’m at a loss. Which ones?

NBC/MSNBC: Olbermann and Matthews – but just from prime time news coverage on this election stuff. They still have their shows.

David Gregory: That’s cool. Whatever. I get to sit in the big chair, right? Next to Brokaw and Williams?

NBC/MSNBC: Yes. But there’s one thing.

David Gregory: What is it?

NBC/MSNBC: You have to call David Shuster every morning to wake him up. Scarborough says the dude is lazy.

END TRANSCRIPT.

Hardballer
Hardballer Chris Matthews just got pwned by Stretch
Keith Olbermann just cares too much. Sigh.
Keith Olbermann's biggest fault? He just cares too much.