Ronan Farrow Is Sooooooooo Smart

You might have seen this story about Woody Allen/Mia Farrow bio-kid Ronan Farrow tweeting a severe diss to his Allen:

Oy vey!

Maybe well deserved. For many, Woody Allen is straight-up creepy and unfunny. For others, he is just straight up creepy and funny. And for some, he is not creepy, but still funny.

I’d say Ronan has every right to tweet, given the basics of his family history (ronans’ dad left his mom to begin a new relationship with ronan’s adopted sister – mom and and were never married but still, weird. throw in child abuse accusations for more drama).  Anyway, Twitter is where it’s at. That’s what smart people do – tweet (#getafuckinglife). Every mention of Ronan says how smart he is and he obviously is – he started college at age 11, and, later, was a Rhodes Scholar (#dork) and now does a bunch of important stuff with the government (speechifying and global community organizin’) – we all know when you want to make a difference, working through the State Department is the way to go (#circlejerk). Just ask Syria!  Although, if he was so smart, he would have invented Facebook.

Back to the tweet and what it reveals to anyone with a pulse:

1. He’s mad at Daddy. Not because he remembers being hurt by Daddy, but also because he has been raised by his Mommy/Mia Farrow (aka Mother Earth) to hate him.  Nothing new here. Eventually one might get tired of a parent telling you what to think (or you get upset realizing that you’ve been programmed – right or wrong, it’s still annoying). Plenty of people are raised by a single parent who hates their ex because they ran off when one of the kids. I read about it all the time on Slate’s Dear Prudence. Of course, most single parents don’talso adopt a kid every week, which goes to point 2.

2. He is probably increasingly more aware that his mom is a little crazy and so that just makes his situation more frustrating, raising the anger level.  The most likely reason he went to college early was to get away (#bitchbecrazy)!  Mia makes Brangelina look childless, she adopts so many kids.  Like Woody Allen, Mia Farrow is apparently a homewrecker, having started an affair with a married man, Andre Previn, a fancy-pants musician. Farrow got pregnant (#devilspawn), and Andre left his wife for her. Something the media doesn’t talk about.  So, if you’re Ronan, and you’ve read Wikipedia, you’re thinking, ‘shit, my dad’s a creep, and my mom is an angry little hypocrite. FML!”

3. Posting on Twitter means he KNOWS it will reach Woody Allen (#passiveaggressive).  In a weird way, he is communicating with his dad and nobody else. He has not heard of email, I guess. Not really knowing anything about their whole family drama, I wonder how much communication they have or had years ago after visitations ended (#miniseriesplease!).  Of course, the tweet is  a joke his own dad would have written years ago.

3. Ronan Farrow is about 25 years old. Why now with the Twitter?  Maybe he’s new to Twitter so he’s catching up on all his witty one-liners’ about his old man (#woodyismypops). If he was soooo smart, he would save all this shit for a tell-all book, called Dreams of My Father 2: Payback’s a Bitch Named Soon Yi!  (btw, does Ronan talk to Soon Yi? Uh, probably not). But alas, Ronan has been appointed by the Obama Administration to assist in issues related to the youth and so what does that leave any government official, but loads of time to tweet and work out their personal issues online, 140 characters at a time. When Government Officials tweeet, what could go wrong (#anthonyweinersweiner).

Who knows what Ronan was thinking. I think if my Mom changed my name to ‘Ronan’ I would be pissed about it forever. And if I was a boy genius who grew up to be a BORING fucking diplomat, I’d probably start spending time on Twitter, also. Exhibit A: Ronan firing up the U.N. about youth issues.


That’s right kids – this guy’s fighting for you! All Together Now: “Let’s Go – Children! Let’s Go -Children!”

Good luck, Ronan!  (#unfocusedblogpost)

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Elizabeth Warren – Dances with Fools

Hey Hollywood, here’s an idea: Dances with Fools, a film detailing the extraordinary life of famed Native American, professor and Senate candidate, Elizabeth Warren.

She is 1/32 Cherokee, all of it easily spotted in her grandfathers high cheekbones. She is also a multimillionaire, part of the 1% she is so against. So do the math: the Cherokee part of her is part of the 99%.

What’s amusing is that this minor dust-up serves to remind her blue collar Dems that she has nothing in common with them – whether it’s being an ivory-tower Harvard prof, or Chief Crazy Horse of the Occupy Tribe.

Other campaign ideas she should avoid:

Red vs. Brown.

Warren Peace Pipe (get it? War and peace AND ‘peace pipe’)

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Note – the author of this post agrees its not that funny or clever but it is the first post being done from a tablet – a test, only a test.

If I Were A Horrible Headline Writer…

if I were a horrible headline writer….

“ACORN Goes Nuts Over Videos!”

Raise Up Off these Nuts, Acorn Rep says”

Dude Who Married One-Legged Gold-Digger Releases Rock Band Video Game”

“Ex-Prez Says Peanut Butter Hates Chocolate”

slow night, but these came to mind so I thought I’d post ’em.

Uncovered! Partial transcript of Barack Obama’s birth delivery!

(so I was trolling the internet and discovered, through my ultra-sick computer skills, a document that appears to be an excerpt of a transcript of what occurred in the delivery room where Obama was born…)

AUGUST 4, 1961,Kapiolani Maternity & Gynecological Hospital.:

NURSE: Push!
STANLEY (Obama’s mother): I am!
NURSE: I said push, you American woman, you!
STANLEY: I am pushing. I’m pushing my American baby out in this Hawaiin hospital!
BARACK, SR: Hurry up, or I’m gonna miss My Three Sons. That is an American show I love to watch.
NURSE: Push, lady!
STANLEY: I’m trying!
BARACK, SR: I’m calling the newspaper!
STANLEY: Wait! First fix that American flag we hung up over there on the wall.
BARACK, SR: Sure will! I am so glad my little baby is being born just 2 years after this great state joined the United States.
NURSE: Almost there. I can see the head. Looks American! It’s a boy! An American boy, born in Hawaii!
STANLEY: I want me some apple pie!!

(credit mark wiberg) – this is just a joke birthers, and anti-birthers. the real transcript is locked up in my trapper-keeper.

What Will Happen in 2009 – Brilliant Predictions!

Here are my predictions for 2009. For every one I get right, please pay me through paypal. thanks.

1. An underrated NFL team will win the Superbowl in February.
2. Some old actor or actress will pass away.
3. Really bad weather will hit a state and cause damage.
4. The stock market will go up or down.
5. Radios will continue to work.
6. Iphone will be upgraded.
7. Someone will sue Myspace and/or Facebook.
8. A bigtime news reporter or anchor will be fired or not show up to work for two days due to illness.
9. McDonalds will discontinue the Big Mac, but only for a second, and nobody will notice. This will happen sometime in May or November.
10. Everyone in the United States will catch ‘hockey fever’ and be captivated by the Stanley Cup Playoffs.
11. The NBC show E.R. will end it’s television run but will continue on the internet’s http://www.funnyordie.com, with new actors, and a different premise and title.
12. A United States Senator or Representative will be caught in a murder/love/shoplifting triangle.
13. Some households will continue to ban dogs because of allergies. At least that’s the excuse the parents will give their kids.

Joe Biden vs. Sarah Palin – Debate Preview, Answers to Debate Questions!

The two brightest people in America will go at it on Thursday, October 2, 2008 – they will match wits, trade barbs, be wily. But enough about Andy vs Dwight from “The Office!” (NBC is so in the tank for Andy Bernard, it makes me sick. They should just let Dwight win Angela!).

The other event – Joe Versus the Barracuda. Spoiler alert: America wins! Because I have been following for, oh, about twenty days, I think I can provide expert analysis on this whole debate thing between the Veeps (veeps is insider talk for VP which stands for Vice Prez, which stands for Vice President).

Biden plans to leave half his IQ back in Delaware "to make it fair," he says.
Biden plans to leave half his IQ back in Delaware, "because," he says "he want's the debate to be close."

Sarah Palin will be wearing – just joking!!!! I’m not going to describe what a female politician is wearing because that would be sexist. As long as she looks hot, then I’m all good with whatever she says. Joe Biden will be wearing the same suit he wore in 1972 when he left his lucrative one-year career as a lawyer and traded down to be a politician.

The debate will start with lame thank yous to the host, the audience and the building hosting the debate. Except Sarah Palin will say “thanks, but no thanks” to an offer of a glass of water.

The “moderator,” Gwen Ifill, will ask a series of incredibly stupid questions. Both candidates will answer them with their standard campaign-rally answers. But HERE, on this site, is a preview to some of their answers. I won’t give away the questions. I’ll let you hear those on Thursday night.

EXCERPTS OF ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS YOU’LL HEAR ON THURSDAY NIGHT:

Biden: “I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one of them.” (the crowd will oooh and aaah – the next morning Jay-Z’s record label will file a suit against Obama-Biden).

Palin: Biden, Hemingway called, he wants you back in that boat and on the sea pronto!”

Biden: I know foreign policy. I’ve been everywhere. When you’re from Delaware, you want to travel! (the next day, Delaware Chamber of Commerce files a lawsuit against Biden).

Palin: I read newspapers. Both sides. And I have seen all three Bourne movies, so, please, I know foreign policy.

Biden: I didn’t hear the question, Gwen. I was busy admiring my last answer.

Palin: My favorite SNL skit this season? Oh, I’d say the one with the Joe Biden parody. Oh, you say that hasn’t happened yet. Interesting…

Palin: Hillary Clinton is a woman with 18 million cracks.

Biden: My wife is one of those cracks. One of the good ones. (the next day, his wife files for divorce)

The debate will end with a handshake – between “moderator” Gwen Ifill and Joe Biden. She will nod to him like “see, I told you and O that I was gonna do you a solid.” Biden will act like he knows what she meant but later will ask Obama – “what’s a solid?” He will say “it’s like a favor,” but Biden will still feel like it means something else and remain suspicious of his exotic partner and politician.

Andy Bernard and Dwight Schrute, American heroes.
Andy Bernard and Dwight Schrute, American heroes.