My conversation with Treasury Sec’y Henry Paulson Regarding Debt

As everyone knows, Henry Paulson is the Secretary of Treasury, and a banned candidate from the MacArthur Fellows Program (aka ‘ “Genius Grant”). And he’s been busy this week convincing everyone that saving these big loser banks is vital. Apparently he doesn’t think the Economy should be in one of those FAIL photo threads that are shared in emails around the world and if I had more time or interest, I would make one up.

Hey, guess who is not getting a "Genius Grant?"
Hey, guess who is not getting a "Genius Grant?"

Instead, I got Mr. Paulson on the phone, because I owe some money and I wanted to see if I could get it included in the bailout.

Mark Wiberg: Hi, Secretary of Treasury Paulson?

Henry Paulson: Call me HP.

Mark: Are you sure? Like the computer?

HP: Yes. Please. HP.

MW: Okay, HP. Hey, before I begin – you are the top dog at the Treasury Department, right?

HP: Yes I am.

MW: Did you see that movie National Treasure?

HP: I did, on an airplane some time ago.

MW: Is any of that true? Maybe we could use that treasure to help with the bailout? That stuff looked pretty real. It’s up in New York, I think, under Wall Street.

HP: (laughs) Yeah, sure it is. I don’t think that’s going to happen.

MW: What about National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets’ treasure?

HP: Again, I don’t think that the movies were entirely accurate in regards to the vasts amounts of treasure found.

MW: I dunno. I would maybe take a look at those movies again. It seems pretty accurate to me. Where did you go to film school?

HP: I didn’t go to film school.

MW: I see. Bad reel?

HP: What?

MW: Nothing. Listen, HP, I owe several thousand dollars to some very important people because I just had to have every DVD ever made and a kick-ass television that is so friggin’ flat and hi-def that’s it’s just sick. I thought they were all going to increase in value because sometimes DVDs go out of print and you can make like an extra $70 sometimes on a disc. It’s all pretty complicated business investment stuff tied in with major companies like Ebay and Burger King – I don’t have time to explain it – I just need action now. Can I lump my debt in with the big boys. Out of $700 billion, my money is like a drop in the ocean.

HP: I think we can help you out. And by “we” I mean everyone.

MW: Cool. Hey, can I ask you another question?

HP: Sure.

MW: Treasure of the Sierra Madre. Any chance that could help us?

HP: I don’t think so.

MW: Whatevers. I’m just saying “think outside the box” – if you’re going to pay off my debts, I want to make sure you do it in a responsible way, that you think of everything. But just make it quick!

Secretary Henry Paulson denies that the treasure from the film National Treasure could be of any use. I think he is a liar.
Secretary Henry Paulson denies that the treasure from the film National Treasure could be of any use. I think he is a liar.

Forget the Google Phone ‘Android’ – check out the Ask Jeeves Phone!!

The Ask Jeeves phone is due to arrive in 2015.
The Ask Jeeves phone is due to arrive in 2015. (photoshopped by a blind monkey)

When I’m not ‘blogging’ about made-up stuff, I’m searching the globe for state-of-the-art technology. A lot of people are looking forward to the Google Phone, but I say, why have Google when you can have Jeeves? The Ask Jeeves phone hits the market in just 7 short years. Get in line, folks!


-The Ask Jeeves phone will be touch screen on EVERY side of the phone, with fingers or tongue. That means you can dial your friends by licking the side of the phone.

-You can name your phone whatever you want. No stupid “Android” associated with it. I am going to call my phone “Jeeves” – it’s just a name that came to mind.

-The phone will replace “Please Say A Command” audio direction with “Please Say A Command Five Times Before I Can Understand It!”

Remember – 2015. The Ask Jeeves phone. The future is here, in 2015.

“Hotter, Flatter, and Crowdeder” – Tom Friedman Plans Sequel to Most Recent Book

NY Times columnist and current day Nostradamus, Thomas “the pen” Friedman announced that he is already hard at work on a sequel to his book Hot, Flat, and Crowded, tentantively titled Hotter, Flatter, and Crowdeder – More Shit About Humans You Already Know.

To be published this Fall, Friedman's book will be relevant for about 3 weeks.
To be published this Fall, Friedman's book will be irrelevant three weeks into December.

In the new book, author Friedman promises to explore how we’re all connected and how this little planet is just really friggin’ hot, and flat, and crowded, still! Friedman takes a look at the planet’s beaches, and notes that many beaches are flat, hot, and sometimes crowded, and that this serves as an important reminder:

“Don’t live at the beach. It’s a total hassle, there’s no parking, and you can’t get the sand out of your car no matter what.”

He notes that deserts are hot, flat, but not often crowded, a phenomenon he has no explanation for, except to say that it has something to do with the production of the personal computer.

“When you purchase a computer on your computer, which is hot because it’s been on all day, viewing it on your monitor, which may be a flat-screen, your order goes into a long but fast waiting list – a crowded list. There’s your hot, flat and crowded. Only, these orders do not go to the desert. They go to where people live, so that their children can manufacture them.”

As for the common belief that a planet this is crowded and more reliant on one another for mass production, therefore less likely to war with one another, Friedman admits he hasn’t completely figured it out.

“You know, when I wrote some of my earlier books, like Cujonoid, and Clan of the Cave Deer, I thought the more crowded we got, the less war we’d be.

“I forgot that more people on the planet means more expendable people. Simply put: the governments of the world have more people to use for combat. They’re overflowing in people – why not do the war thing? In fact, if it were up to me, we should invade Britain right now. Stir it up. Stir it the “eff up”, as the kids say.”

Published in Summer 2008, Friedmans most recent book is already behind the times.
Published in Summer 2008, Friedman's most recent book is already behind the times. His new book promises to be a little more current.

Gawker Media, hacked emails! Next stop: Law & Order!

Just when Law & Order was running out of ideas and New York area actors, along comes Gawker Media. While only hours old, the story of Gawker posting hacked Sarah Palin emails/contacts has already been penned for television by Dick Wolf for his program, Law & Order.

Youve Just Been Gawkered!
You've Just Been Gawkered!
This shit just writes itself
Dick Wolfe: "This shit just writes itself."

The story will involve some morons, according to Wolf.

“We’ve done stories on murderers, rapists, thieves, celebrity crooks, but this story is just one of those file-under-stupid-criminals type of stories. Real easy shit to write.”

Gawker chief Nick Denton
Nick Denton, fresh fish in the upcoming episode of Law & Order.

In the episode, Nick Denton and staff at Gawker media are arrested for violating federal and state laws that prohibit the use of something that was stolen, which this joke writer is too lazy too look up, but knows everyone is all innocent until proven guilty in the court of l-a-w. Everybody on L&O, episode #1,553,221 gets upset, but Denton and crew still go to prison. And they start a prison blog on Prison Life called “Soap.”

Gawker Media's new Prison Blog, Soap.
Gawker Media's new prison blog, Soap.

Well, very meta, but in the episode, Denton is assaulted while posting on his blog, and in his self-defense, he kills the attacker with his Mac book. So he sues NY and McCoy and all these other Law & Order characters I can’t remember for a bunch of damages for being all stressed out over having to kill someone. And then at the end, Denton and crew walk out of prison, with smirks on their faces, all free and stuff. And then at the very, very end, the lawyers meet up with the District Attorney and hear some wise-old-man-whose-seen-it-all crap about “how the system worked.”

And all of this from illegally posting stuff. Coming to you this season, on Law & Order.

The Huffington Post Means Business – Goes with Largest Font-Size Every Made

fake news

With the 2008 election only 48 days away, The Huffington Post announced they would begin using the largest font-size ever on their front page headlines.

1,000 pt.

Tired of their 60 pt font, editors at the HuffPost said they would get their stories across better if they used a larger font.

“Tomorrow we’re going with, 1,000 pt font-sizes announcing that John McCain is the devil. We tried it in 48 pt font and we convinced only 14,357 people. We need to convince more.”

Turn it up to 11.
Turn it up to 11.

Insiders say the new font-size will require two monitors to read.

“It’s stupid, but it’s definitely innovative,” said one expert via his Go Phone.

Arianna TheHuffingtonpost, the owner of the site, who coincidentally shares the same name as the website, said something at a press conference but nobody could understand a word.

Joe Biden: Why Can’t I Be Smeared!

Late Friday night, Delaware-not-Pennsylvania Senator and vice-presidential candidate Joe Biden complained to the press that absolutely nobody was investigating him. He admitted he was extremely disappointed that the McCain campaign had yet to send a team of lawyers to his home state to research his activities.

I wont be ignored. Senator Joe Biden wants his time in the spotlight to make a gaffe.
"I won't be ignored." Senator Joe Biden wants his time in the spotlight to make a gaffe.

“I have skeletons in my closet, people. I have a high IQ, so my skeletons are very smart. The closet is unlocked, too. Please, pick up the phone, find something out about me. I’m a baaad guy.”

Despite hundreds of hours of media spent on the Republican vice-presidential canddiate, Sarah Palin, Barack Obama’s choice has barely registered with the American voter.

“Give me time, and I promise, I will make a gaffe or say something so inappropriate that you’ll wonder why I’m not in prison. I’m a gaffe-making-machine – just turn me on!”

Biden said if needed, he would buy air time to reveal some of his awful decisions made while a U.S. Senator for over 30 years.

“I will pay to be smeared. That’s how serious I am about winning the vice-presidency.

“I’ve been here forever, and believe me, in what little I’ve done, there are plenty of scratch-your-head moments. Did you know I voted for the United States to bomb Canada during the Stanley Cup finals? I did. I’m a total f*ck up. Just look into it, for Chrissakes!”

Barack Obama couldn’t be reached for comment, according to his advisors. “He’s too busy emailing his suporters. Something John McCAin cannot do.”

Sarah Palin: I thought Bush Doctrine Referred to my Lady Parts choices

In a brief interview Good Housekeeping Magazine this evening, vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin admitted that when ABC’s Charlie Gibson asked her about the Bush Doctrine, she was a little shocked.

Sarah Palin, just one of many Alaskan Governors trying to mettle in American political affairs
Sarah Palin later clarified to Good Housekeeping her opinion on the "Bush" Doctrine.

“Honestly, I thought he was asking a very personal question, if you know what I mean. What I do down there, around my lady parts, is nobody’s business. It’s for me or my husband to know.”

When pressed about her personal grooming habits, Sarah offered a hint. “Let me just remind you – it gets cold in Alaska, and I like to keep all my body warm with what God gave me. That’s all I’m saying.”

Bush has become an important topic this campaign season
Bush has become an important topic this campaign season

Others on the campaign have yet to be asked about the Bush Doctrine. Hillary? Michelle Obama?