from an unpublished, unwritten play titled “SODACOP”
SCENE 1, Mayor Bloomberg‘s office; near future:
Mayor Bloomberg and staff sit around a table drinking water and eating carrots.
Mayor, this ice cubes ban in soda is an excellent idea. How does someone so short and so quirky get such great ideas?
I don’t know. But lose the Ranch dressing. We eat carrots in this office without Ranch.
Of course. I don’t know what I was thinking.
Who lowered my chair again? I can’t get my elbows on the table. (beat) So, the ice cube in soda ban has been in effect for five days. As I stated months ago, large soda is a problem. So is cold soda. It tastes too good. Remove ice from the equation and people will make healthier choices. Any news on how New Yorkers are coping? I know they’ll be upset but they’ll get over it. We’re doing them a favor!
SCENE 2: NY Movie Theater, snack bar.
I’d like to get a large butter popcorn, a box of Whoppers and a large Coke.
Okay. Just so you know, the large size is now 16 oz. We’re not allowed to sell a 32 oz soda, unless it’s diet.
I forgot where I was. I’m from Jersey. (beat) Can I get extra butter on that popcorn?
Sure. So, yeah, the old large size was 32 oz. The new large size is 16 oz. But if you order 2 large sodas, we’ve priced it at the same price as the old large.
I’ll get two of the new large sodas.
Also, they are ‘no ice.’ That’s also banned. No ice in sodas. Unless it’s diet. The Mayor knows soda tastes better cold. Only people who drink diet soda get ice.
Did I mention I’m from Jersey so I’m about to lay down a bunch of curse words. But I won’t. Instead, I see the light – I’ll get a V8 drink, and cancel the popcorn and candy. In fact, I think I’m going to go jogging instead of watching this movie.
SCENE 4: Landfill; daytime
What is the deal with all these 16 oz cups, now? They are everywhere!
SCENE 5: Mayor’s office, months later.
Mayor Bloomberg, the results are in. Everyone in NYC is incredibly healthy. Soda consumption is down 73%. You’ve battled salt, trans-fat, large and cold soda, and smoking. What’s next?
Large televisions and long movies. It is not healthy to sit and watch a two and a half hour movie on a large screen. Also, morning talk shows – no need to be so long with all those teaser bits about what’s coming up – it encourages people to watch too much tv. Same goes for mini-series and crime shows that don’t solve anything in the first hour – banned. Maybe we’ll put timers in televisions so they turn off after 3 hours…
same topic, related.