Excerpts from the Alec Baldwin English Language Dictionary

Noted linguist, actor, CapitalOne spokesman Alec Baldwin this week provided a preview of his self-titled English Language Dictionary, following confusion among Americans over the real meaning of the word “queen.” Mr. Baldwin promises to update all editions.

From the upcoming Alec Baldwin English Language Dictionary:

Queen: 1. (noun) somebody who’s just above, not having any necessarily sexual connotations.  2,(adj, queeny): aboveness. ex. “I know women that act queeny, I know men that are straight that act queeny, and I know gay men that act queeny”; not a definite sexual connotation, or a homophobic connotation. 3. (adj. queeny) A non-slur adjective if used by an open-minded registered Democrat. A slur if used by anybody else.
 
Twitter. 1. (noun) social medial platform popularized by its simple design and restricted word count per post. 2. (noun) Celebrity meltdown software, often used by well-known persons to reveal their true emotional intelligence quotient through verbal bullying and homophobic/racist rants.
 
CapitalOne customers can purchase Baldwin's reference book at a fair. 28.99% APR.
CapitalOne customers can purchase Baldwin’s reference book at a fair. 28.99% APR. In stores never.

In 2011, Mr. Baldwin’s passion for language and words was revealed after being booted off a plane over the matter of the challenging cell phone game  Words with Friends. Baldwin remains an avid player. From the ABELD:

Boot. 1. (noun) Footwear covering the ankle and sometimes lower leg.  2. (verb) to remove from an area a superior person or persons, often an actor or actress.
 
Cell-phone. 1 (noun) an electronic device used to communicate via voice, text, or electronic mail, generally used with no consideration for surroundings.  2. A gaming device for grown men and women in confined places, usually in first-class on airplanes.

When interviewed by the online blog Gothamist Apologist, Mr. Baldwin stated that since being misunderstood so frequently by the American public and some of the press, he believed a dictionary was needed. “Whether it’s ‘little pig’ when talking about my daughter, or ‘queeny’ about a sloppy reporter, what I say doesn’t mean what everyone thinks it means.”

The publisher of the Baldwin Dictionary stated in a press release they expect copies to be available this Fall, unless a small vocal minority protest, then they will pull the book.

 
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Holmes v. Cruise v. Scientology v. Who Cares v. ObamaCare v. Blog Bait

If I don’t post about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes getting divorced, who will?

As we all know, on Thursday, the Supreme  Court stuck up for Obama on his ACA (ObamaCare). A day later, Katie Holmes dared to divorce the most popular Scientologist ever. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

Here’s why: Katie Holmes is an unskilled worker. If you have seen any of her movies/television shows, you know this. She flaunts it. So, without a real job skill, she is and was always at risk of falling below the poverty level, living a hellish life without proper medical coverage. So, five years ago, this untalented hottie does what she needs to do – marries the first dude who asks her, and whammo! she has health insurance as a married woman to the hottest dyslexic ever born  – Mr. Tom Cruise, High Priest of the Church of Scientology and Movie Star.

This college drop-out can now leave her husband, confident that healthcare as a single, unskilled parent can be obtained cheaply with the federal government’s help.

She has sexy sex with the Movie Star, has a kid, but still finds no time to learn an employable trade. Instead, she relies on her marriage to keep her secure, to keep her health coverage. I bet they were in a PPO plan, spending her free time pushing a stroller around.

Finally, along comes ObamaCare. Katie sees a light at the end of the tunnel. That light tells her she can leave her husband, and not even work, and still possibly be covered! Praise the Lord!

Katie follows the court cases surrounding ObamaCare, understanding very little of course, but knowing very well that the law is not settled and won’t be until the Supremes review the case. She is not sure why a R&B group is involved, but she waits.

Then, last Thursday, Chief Justice John Roberts is all “ObamaCare is Here to Stay Forever, Americans, so Get Used To It!  Unless Politicians Repeal It Later!” And Katie Holmes doesn’t hear the second part and so is like “Thank Xenu, Obama and Roberts, I’m outta here. And I’m taking my baby! I can get affordable healthcare without being married to this weirdo!”

So, if you want to blame Obama for ruining the country go ahead. But know this – he also ruined the Holmes/Cruise marriage by insisting on healthcare for all, even unskilled workers like Holmes and her stupidly named space baby, Suri.    Will Election 2012 kill ObamaCare and lead Holmes running back to Cruise?Maybe – if TMZ has anything to say about it.  If it’s repealed, look for Holmes to marry soon – to anyone, solidifying her status as a benefits whore.

Ronan Farrow Is Sooooooooo Smart

You might have seen this story about Woody Allen/Mia Farrow bio-kid Ronan Farrow tweeting a severe diss to his Allen:

Oy vey!

Maybe well deserved. For many, Woody Allen is straight-up creepy and unfunny. For others, he is just straight up creepy and funny. And for some, he is not creepy, but still funny.

I’d say Ronan has every right to tweet, given the basics of his family history (ronans’ dad left his mom to begin a new relationship with ronan’s adopted sister – mom and and were never married but still, weird. throw in child abuse accusations for more drama).  Anyway, Twitter is where it’s at. That’s what smart people do – tweet (#getafuckinglife). Every mention of Ronan says how smart he is and he obviously is – he started college at age 11, and, later, was a Rhodes Scholar (#dork) and now does a bunch of important stuff with the government (speechifying and global community organizin’) – we all know when you want to make a difference, working through the State Department is the way to go (#circlejerk). Just ask Syria!  Although, if he was so smart, he would have invented Facebook.

Back to the tweet and what it reveals to anyone with a pulse:

1. He’s mad at Daddy. Not because he remembers being hurt by Daddy, but also because he has been raised by his Mommy/Mia Farrow (aka Mother Earth) to hate him.  Nothing new here. Eventually one might get tired of a parent telling you what to think (or you get upset realizing that you’ve been programmed – right or wrong, it’s still annoying). Plenty of people are raised by a single parent who hates their ex because they ran off when one of the kids. I read about it all the time on Slate’s Dear Prudence. Of course, most single parents don’talso adopt a kid every week, which goes to point 2.

2. He is probably increasingly more aware that his mom is a little crazy and so that just makes his situation more frustrating, raising the anger level.  The most likely reason he went to college early was to get away (#bitchbecrazy)!  Mia makes Brangelina look childless, she adopts so many kids.  Like Woody Allen, Mia Farrow is apparently a homewrecker, having started an affair with a married man, Andre Previn, a fancy-pants musician. Farrow got pregnant (#devilspawn), and Andre left his wife for her. Something the media doesn’t talk about.  So, if you’re Ronan, and you’ve read Wikipedia, you’re thinking, ‘shit, my dad’s a creep, and my mom is an angry little hypocrite. FML!”

3. Posting on Twitter means he KNOWS it will reach Woody Allen (#passiveaggressive).  In a weird way, he is communicating with his dad and nobody else. He has not heard of email, I guess. Not really knowing anything about their whole family drama, I wonder how much communication they have or had years ago after visitations ended (#miniseriesplease!).  Of course, the tweet is  a joke his own dad would have written years ago.

3. Ronan Farrow is about 25 years old. Why now with the Twitter?  Maybe he’s new to Twitter so he’s catching up on all his witty one-liners’ about his old man (#woodyismypops). If he was soooo smart, he would save all this shit for a tell-all book, called Dreams of My Father 2: Payback’s a Bitch Named Soon Yi!  (btw, does Ronan talk to Soon Yi? Uh, probably not). But alas, Ronan has been appointed by the Obama Administration to assist in issues related to the youth and so what does that leave any government official, but loads of time to tweet and work out their personal issues online, 140 characters at a time. When Government Officials tweeet, what could go wrong (#anthonyweinersweiner).

Who knows what Ronan was thinking. I think if my Mom changed my name to ‘Ronan’ I would be pissed about it forever. And if I was a boy genius who grew up to be a BORING fucking diplomat, I’d probably start spending time on Twitter, also. Exhibit A: Ronan firing up the U.N. about youth issues.


That’s right kids – this guy’s fighting for you! All Together Now: “Let’s Go – Children! Let’s Go -Children!”

Good luck, Ronan!  (#unfocusedblogpost)

Bloomberg’s Soda Ban Legislation Revealed!

Through some online digging, I found the following proposed legislation regarding New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg’s efforts to curb consumption of sugary drinks by limiting drink sizes to no more than 16 ounces.

Legislation Text

By Council Members Cabrera, Arroyo, Foster, Koppell, Palma, Rivera, Seabrook, Bert, Ernie, Vacca, Barron, Dilan, Eugene,  Brewer, Chin, Dickens, Simon, Simon, Pupkin, Quinn, Rodriguez, Etcetera

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A Local Law to amend the administrative code of the city of New York, in relation to limit the portion size of sugary drinks within New York City limits.

Be it enacted by the Council as follows:

Section 1; Section 1, pages 52-53; New or amended ordinance regarding health of citizenry, especially fatties, to include limitations on sugary drinks (soda, sweetened tea, sugar drinks above 25 calories per 8 ounce serving) made available for sale at restaurants, delis, sporting arenas, movie theaters, gas stations, porn shops, churches, family barbecues, weddings, and dog funerals.

Sugary drinks as defined as non-diet sodas, and some sweetened teas and coffees favored by hipsters.  A panel will be commissioned to determine what Coke Zero, Dr. Pepper 10, and PepsiMax are supposed to be and whether they qualify under proposed size ban. A case of each male gender-targeted low calorie drinks will be ordered and distributed to council members for consumption during the Fourth of July 2012 weekend. Sodas clearly marked “diet” can continue to be purchased/sold in any cup size up to 64 ounce, so as to curtail any potential underground market by Prius-driving and/or vegan health-freaks.

Section 2; Section 2, pages 55-57; Portion sizes larger than 16 ounces will remain available at grocery stores and retail outlets such as Target. As noted previously by heard testimony, when you run into Target to get something, you always end up spending more, which often includes soda and it makes financial sense to purchase a liter of sugary drink rather than a single smaller bottle.

Section 3; Section 3, pages 60-62; Fines for violation of proposed soda size ban include written warning(s) and/or fines up to but not exceeding $100 per violation unless violation involves Shasta or RC Cola, in which case fine will be reduced fifty percent under the ‘pity rule.’

/Bloomberg/crazyideas/wtf/drafts/

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related: Sodacop, a play.

SODACOP – a few scenes from Bloomberg’s Soda Ban Fetish story

from an unpublished, unwritten play titled “SODACOP”

SCENE 1, Mayor Bloomberg‘s office; near future:

Mayor Bloomberg and staff sit around a table drinking water and eating carrots.

STAFF #1

Mayor, this ice cubes ban in soda is an excellent idea. How does someone so short and so quirky get such great ideas?

BLOOMBERG

I don’t know. But lose the Ranch dressing. We eat carrots in this office without Ranch.

STAFF #1

Of course. I don’t know what I was thinking.

BLOOMBERG

Who lowered my chair again? I can’t get my elbows on the table. (beat) So, the ice cube in soda ban has been in effect for five days. As I stated months ago, large soda is a problem. So is cold soda. It tastes too good. Remove ice from the equation and people will make healthier choices. Any news on how New Yorkers are coping? I know they’ll be upset but they’ll get over it. We’re doing them a favor!

STAFF (all)

Here here!

SCENE 2:  NY Movie Theater, snack bar.

MOVIEGOER
I’d like to get a large butter popcorn, a box of Whoppers and a large Coke.

WORKER:

Okay. Just so you know, the large size is now 16 oz. We’re not allowed to sell a 32 oz soda, unless it’s diet.

MOVIEGOER

I forgot where I was. I’m from Jersey.  (beat) Can I get extra butter on that popcorn?

WORKER

Sure. So, yeah,  the old large size was 32 oz. The new large size is 16 oz. But if you order 2 large sodas, we’ve priced it at the same price as the old large.

MOVIEGOER:

I’ll get two of the new large sodas.

WORKER
Also, they are ‘no ice.’  That’s also banned. No ice in sodas. Unless it’s diet. The Mayor knows soda tastes better cold. Only people who drink diet soda get ice.

MOVIEGOER

Did I mention I’m from Jersey so I’m about to lay down a bunch of curse words. But I won’t. Instead, I see the light – I’ll get a V8 drink, and cancel the popcorn and candy. In fact, I think I’m going to go jogging instead of watching this movie.

SCENE 4:  Landfill; daytime

GARBAGEMAN

What is the deal with all these 16 oz cups, now? They are everywhere!

SCENE 5: Mayor’s office, months later.

STAFF #1

Mayor Bloomberg, the results are in. Everyone in NYC is incredibly healthy. Soda consumption is down 73%.  You’ve battled salt, trans-fat, large and cold soda, and smoking. What’s next?

BLOOMBERG

Large televisions and long movies. It is not healthy to sit and watch a two and a half hour movie on a large screen. Also, morning talk shows – no need to be so long with all those teaser bits about what’s coming up – it encourages people to watch too much tv.  Same goes for mini-series and crime shows that don’t solve anything in the first hour – banned. Maybe we’ll put timers in televisions so they turn off after 3 hours…

END

same topic, related.

 

Brett Kimberlin – The Jerk Store Called – They Are All Out of You

I read only a few blogs, the most important to me is Instapundit, for its wide range of topics and libertarian bent. The other day, Instapundit’s Glenn Reynolds linked to this growing saga of one Brett Kimberlin.  Kimberlin is an ex-con loser who is hell bent on making life miserable for anyone who writes about him and his stupid charity. Friday May 25th is  a ” everybody blog about Brett Kimberlin” day, just to rile him up and to make him aware that individuals such as Kimberlin don’t get to call the shots on freedom of speech.

The backstory and more are here where blogger Stacy McCain battles Kimberlin.  I don’t know all the details but the takeaway is that Kimberlin is a big time douche and anyone or any organization that works in partnership with him is disgusting. Pass it on. And  no surprise that his charity receives funds from idiots like Barbara Streisand. Just typing her name bugs me.

this lovely studio photo of Kimberlin is way old. just picture an older, jerkier Kimberlin.

Bill Clinton and Porn Stars – “I’m Here to Fix your Cable”

Nobody is that surprised by Bill Clinton taking a photo with two lovely ladies of the adult film industry who just happened to be same party in Monaco. What are the odds? But according to TMZ, the ex-Prez asked to meet the two. That is totally surprising! By that I mean surprising that he asked to be introduced BEFORE mauling them with his potus hands and dick. It seems he’s learning manners.

By the way, “TMZ” stands for Thirty Mile Zone so I’m not sure why they are breaking their guidelines to carry this story – I hope this is brought up at the next editorial board meeting.

“one at a time, ladies”

The gals reportedly (not) said they would have stepped closer to him but were afraid to catch whatever std might be had by the Prez, famous for his Oval Office speed dating.

My official jokes that are probably are out there:

1. Bill said “did somebody order a pizza” and then proceeded to bite his lower lip while unbuttoning his jacket.

2. Bill’s cardiologist saw this image and said “ahh, man, I hope he survives”

3.  Bill said “Blue Dress!”

4. Bill went back to his hotel room and ordered porn (but not on the tv).

What’s most telling about the photo above is that we cannot see if he’s wearing his pants. I’m guessing he isn’t. It’s that kind of a party.