Obama’s Celebrity Fundraiser Dinner – $40K a plate, Travolta Massage for $500 more.

Obama is having dinner tonight with celebrities. I’ve heard they brought in extra bathrooms to allow some of the actresses a place to barf up what they eat.  My other ‘joke’ is that it is $40k a plate, but for an extra $500 John Travolta will give you a handjob behind the garage.

Travolta likes massages. And jets. But probably he likes massages more.

I have no problem with a fundraiser dinners. Not sure why there aren’t more fundraising breakfasts – sure would be a hell of a lot cheaper! “Everybody got their cereal bowl? Good. Frosted Flakes or Raisin Bran? Please make that check out to “Me for President”

I hear Romney will have a Republican celebrity dinner soon – table for 4, please! Running for president costs a ton of money. Especially if you can’t keep your dick in your pants and have to pay off your batshit crazy mistress. John Edwards, that was for you – I know you are reading my blog from your hillbilly mansion.  Probably on a iPad so you can Facetime  yourself while reading.

If celebrities like George Clooney were really smart, they would videotape this dinner and netflix/dvd that shit out of it. I’d watch it. I’d want to see what it’s like to eat dinner with the President of the United States. Does he get all Carls Jr. about dinner and not talk until he’s done or does he talk with his mouth full. Does he say “pass the salt?” or just “hey, salt me!”  Does he stand up when a lady leaves the room (wait, this is Hollywood – no ladies present, right?). Do they toast each other and if so, do they have music playing the background to tell them to ‘wrap it up’? Does George Clooney leave the television powered on, but muted, so he can see how the Lakers are doing? Does he wheel the tv over to the table or keep excusing himself to check the score. Or does he keep checking his phone?

I wonder how many assholes at this dinner will be playing with their phones (texting, word with friends, facebook). I mean, you’re at a dinner with the president – your phone can wait! (unless your Toby Maguire -it can’t wait. The dude’s done pretty well but when’s the last time you’ve seen a Toby Maguire movie? He needs to keep his phone at the ready).

Do they serve dessert? Is there gonna be some jerkwad who’s allergic to everything?  Or a vegan? Now’s not the time to start your caveman diet, Ironman! And how does that work after dinner. Does George Clooney stand up and say ‘you three tables, leave. You can go now.’   Do you get autographs at an event like this and if so, do you have to carry around a 8 x 10 of George Clooney the whole night or do they have a table where you can set this shit down and pick up later?  If I was at the dinner, I would lose the butter and salt on my table and then go around to the other, more celebrity-heavy tables and ask to borrow. “Hi, George. Can you pass the butter tray. Thanks. I’ll bring it right back.”   But I wouldn’t. Instead, I’d scrape all that butter onto my plate and steal the tray because you know that stuff has gotta be monogrammed GC. Ebay bound.

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Elizabeth Warren – Dances with Fools

Hey Hollywood, here’s an idea: Dances with Fools, a film detailing the extraordinary life of famed Native American, professor and Senate candidate, Elizabeth Warren.

She is 1/32 Cherokee, all of it easily spotted in her grandfathers high cheekbones. She is also a multimillionaire, part of the 1% she is so against. So do the math: the Cherokee part of her is part of the 99%.

What’s amusing is that this minor dust-up serves to remind her blue collar Dems that she has nothing in common with them – whether it’s being an ivory-tower Harvard prof, or Chief Crazy Horse of the Occupy Tribe.

Other campaign ideas she should avoid:

Red vs. Brown.

Warren Peace Pipe (get it? War and peace AND ‘peace pipe’)

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Note – the author of this post agrees its not that funny or clever but it is the first post being done from a tablet – a test, only a test.

Obama’s New Slogan: FORWARD – oh, and a SINGLE point of LIGHT

ADVICE TO TEAM OBAMA – What looks like “one point of light,” ( rather than a thousand points of light, I suppose) also looks like a train headed straight…for…us.

Do I hear a train coming?

(here’s the obvious change-up on ‘FORWARD” – “FOREWARNED” that I see popping up everywhere – this is my version – you’re welcome to it)

Of course I just completed this “Forewarned” version of Team Obama’s new slogan, and then Googled it to see others already made. oh well.  So, I include a still frame from my never-to-be-made cartoon titled “FORWARD meets CLIFF.

This I’m particularly proud of so a link back would be appreciated. I spent a lot of time drawing that cliff! (eat your heart out Shepard Fairey)

Douglas Kennedy – Bringing Up Baby

Is there a Kennedy family member who isn’t a total jerk? All hail the Kennedys, for they have spawned again and must be allowed to roam when and where they want with their newest creation on hospital grounds. “To get fresh air” (because we all know how smoke-filled those maternity wards can be!)  Remember, it’s not cool to kick a nurse…unless she’s a ginger.

Why is it that every Kennedy seems incapable of avoiding trouble, minor or major? I wonder how long it will be before ‘Ginger’ Joe Kennedy III (candidate for Congress) makes the news (sex scandal? drugs? taxes? who knows! The Kennedy’s always keep it fresh in the scandal department).  Remember, this is a family that believes in public service.  Not to be confused with court-ordered community service, which most of them deserve.

Added 2/26/12: I did not realize until yesterday that Douglas Kicker Kennedy is the 10th of 11 children of Robert F. Kennedy’s – 11 kids!  The Kennedys were apparently the Duggars of New England!  So maybe the percentages of Kennedy’s getting in trouble isn’t as large as I thought.

French Bashing Fixers – Miquelon.org knows best

Note: the following assumes the website miquelon.org is real and not a parody.

The other day I came across this site:  miquelon.org. As it’s website states, “Miquelon.org is a watchdog group dedicated to documenting Anti-French activity in news and entertainment. Miquelon.org’s activities are of a purely academic and charitable in nature.

Purely academic and charitable in nature.  See, they are doing the world a favor. Like so many other speech-monitoring groups, they view themselves as helping others in what to say, when to say it, what to think, when to think it.  Don’t bash the French, s’il vous plait. Full disclosure: I like France. I took French language in high school.  I like hockey and the French-Canadian teams. The French president has a ridiculously hot wife. Consider this post an academic and charitable post in pointing out the silliness of such a watchdog site.

Miquelon.org is a project by Marc Cormier, who I believe is from Canada and/or Saint Pierre and Miquelon (island off of Canada, part of French territory. Note, I’m from the United States so I had to look this up because our schools suck). I’m sure he’s a nice guy, hard worker, etc. The important thing is that he’s an expert on French and North America relations (that means Canada and the U.S.. Stay out of it Central and South America, he doesn’t know shit about you). Good work if you can find it, I guess. If ‘academic’ includes Fox News-link bait, and posts about Triumph the Insult Comic Dog (who, by the way, is a PUPPET), then I guess that makes half of the internet ‘academically-inclined.  I think I’ve seen more serious-minded work on ebaumsworld.com.  Miquelon.org even have a color-coded threat level graphic:

At least we’re just between Fuck French and Leno/Stern/Talk Radio threat level. I like how they spell FUCK with F***  so as not to offend the children who must be part of their readership demographics. Canadian politeness in action when attempting to limit speech. Say  (not ‘do’ or ‘act’, but ‘say’) the wrong thing and the threat level will go up!

As with most watchdog groups, most of the watching is focused on the United States and its citizens. The Great Satan, right? But of course it is.  There are hundreds of countries in the world, and only the United States’ flag is posted on the site’s banner.  Who knew the rest of the world was so well behaved regarding the French? Bravo, World, for your have learned what the Americans have not – that free speech ends when it comes to enforcing stereotypes. How ever did you do it?

And then there is Jay Leno, one of the site’s targets. I can’t stand the comedian’s humor or show. I’m sure he’s a nice guy, too.  But I respect his hard work as a comedian and talk show host. He’s been at it for over 40 years. This country which prides itself on free speech, allowed him to make a career writing and performing stand-up comedy.  But miquelon.org doesn’t care for his apparently continual French bashing and have made some type of film called Educating Jay. How nice.  They assume he doesn’t know anything about France, because all comedy by Jay Leno must come from ignorance. But I’m sure comedy by their favored writers and performers come from understanding and knowledge .  In other words, show me a comedian, and I’ll find you someone who is offended by that comedian.  Jay Leno, who works more hours than anybody in Hollywood, and owns 85% of the cars on planet Earth, doesn’t need to be educated  – it’s not in his job description.  Being thin-skinned doesn’t mean you get to assume to know the intelligence of others and make a documentary. Or, I guess it does.

Brief sample of the academic work going on at miquelon.org – more Conan versus Leno . They get upset with comedians making jokes.  According to them, Jay Leno made over 40 anti-French jokes between 2003 and 2006. Wow!  That averages to about 1 joke a month that is ‘anti-French’ on a show that runs probably 200 episodes a year.  Maybe math isn’t a strong subject in Canada, but that doesn’t seem like very much, compared to other topics. When the OJ Trial was going on, Jay Leno made hundreds of inappropriate jokes about the murder trial. I found it offensive and so my action was to not watch.

Here, individuals are subject to hate speech by a puppet.

Another example:  one of the blog posts is titled Conan O’Brien Exports Hate Speech.  Read it. It is like something from TheOnion.

I’ll finish with a quote from their site by Edward C. Knox (yes, the Edward C. Knox, the professor nobody knows is quoted on miquelon.org! What a get.).

No other national or ethnic group appears to get the same continually negative treatment in print media reserved for France and the French, with the possible exception of Arabs or Palestinians, and even there, the treatment is not so much cultural as political, linked to a specific context or event.If one were to substitute, for example, “Mexican” or “Japanese” or “Indian” for “French”, what would reader reaction be?”.
Edward C.Knox, May 2002
Really? No other group?  No other groups come to mind? Just Arabs and Palestinians?   Think a little more.  Starts with a J. Ends with -ewish. If anyone, including Mr. Knox, spent some time in the United States, they’d quickly realize that bashing the French doesn’t even make it to the top ten.  We, politicians and citizens alike,  prefer to verbally bash the Jews, Muslims, African Americans, the Mexicans, the Chinese, the Fats, the Gays, Christians, the Poor, and the Rich.  Those are the groups Americans bitch about more than the French, in my informal survey of ALL cable news channels.  The French only wish they could make the top ten.
That’s it. Just wanted to post this so this comes up on a miquelon.org search. I’m not a fan of the speech police.  I still can’t believe the site is real. I emailed them this morning about the topic of the United States flag being on the site’s banner (I told them how awesome it was that only one country remained before the French were free of bashing!)

Joe Kennedy – Don’t Kick A Ginger, Vote For One!

Joe Kennedy III announced today that he is running for Congress. While his family name is a help, he says being a ginger is going to cost him a few votes.

JK (left) says in his youtube announcement that BF (right) has "very large shoes" to be filled by the next representative elected. And pants, and shirt, and hat.

The cool thing about Joe Kennedy is that I can write j/k and it doesn’t mean Joe Kennedy, but it kinda does. “Just Kidding” should be the Kennedy Family’s slogan.  Besides two awful deaths (JFK and RFK) the only Kennedy Curse that I can see seems to be an idiot gene that runs dominant in the family.   Remember Caroline’s 2 hour candidacy? Um, of course you do.