Bill Clinton and Porn Stars – “I’m Here to Fix your Cable”

Nobody is that surprised by Bill Clinton taking a photo with two lovely ladies of the adult film industry who just happened to be same party in Monaco. What are the odds? But according to TMZ, the ex-Prez asked to meet the two. That is totally surprising! By that I mean surprising that he asked to be introduced BEFORE mauling them with his potus hands and dick. It seems he’s learning manners.

By the way, “TMZ” stands for Thirty Mile Zone so I’m not sure why they are breaking their guidelines to carry this story – I hope this is brought up at the next editorial board meeting.

“one at a time, ladies”

The gals reportedly (not) said they would have stepped closer to him but were afraid to catch whatever std might be had by the Prez, famous for his Oval Office speed dating.

My official jokes that are probably are out there:

1. Bill said “did somebody order a pizza” and then proceeded to bite his lower lip while unbuttoning his jacket.

2. Bill’s cardiologist saw this image and said “ahh, man, I hope he survives”

3.  Bill said “Blue Dress!”

4. Bill went back to his hotel room and ordered porn (but not on the tv).

What’s most telling about the photo above is that we cannot see if he’s wearing his pants. I’m guessing he isn’t. It’s that kind of a party.

Obama’s Celebrity Fundraiser Dinner – $40K a plate, Travolta Massage for $500 more.

Obama is having dinner tonight with celebrities. I’ve heard they brought in extra bathrooms to allow some of the actresses a place to barf up what they eat.  My other ‘joke’ is that it is $40k a plate, but for an extra $500 John Travolta will give you a handjob behind the garage.

Travolta likes massages. And jets. But probably he likes massages more.

I have no problem with a fundraiser dinners. Not sure why there aren’t more fundraising breakfasts – sure would be a hell of a lot cheaper! “Everybody got their cereal bowl? Good. Frosted Flakes or Raisin Bran? Please make that check out to “Me for President”

I hear Romney will have a Republican celebrity dinner soon – table for 4, please! Running for president costs a ton of money. Especially if you can’t keep your dick in your pants and have to pay off your batshit crazy mistress. John Edwards, that was for you – I know you are reading my blog from your hillbilly mansion.  Probably on a iPad so you can Facetime  yourself while reading.

If celebrities like George Clooney were really smart, they would videotape this dinner and netflix/dvd that shit out of it. I’d watch it. I’d want to see what it’s like to eat dinner with the President of the United States. Does he get all Carls Jr. about dinner and not talk until he’s done or does he talk with his mouth full. Does he say “pass the salt?” or just “hey, salt me!”  Does he stand up when a lady leaves the room (wait, this is Hollywood – no ladies present, right?). Do they toast each other and if so, do they have music playing the background to tell them to ‘wrap it up’? Does George Clooney leave the television powered on, but muted, so he can see how the Lakers are doing? Does he wheel the tv over to the table or keep excusing himself to check the score. Or does he keep checking his phone?

I wonder how many assholes at this dinner will be playing with their phones (texting, word with friends, facebook). I mean, you’re at a dinner with the president – your phone can wait! (unless your Toby Maguire -it can’t wait. The dude’s done pretty well but when’s the last time you’ve seen a Toby Maguire movie? He needs to keep his phone at the ready).

Do they serve dessert? Is there gonna be some jerkwad who’s allergic to everything?  Or a vegan? Now’s not the time to start your caveman diet, Ironman! And how does that work after dinner. Does George Clooney stand up and say ‘you three tables, leave. You can go now.’   Do you get autographs at an event like this and if so, do you have to carry around a 8 x 10 of George Clooney the whole night or do they have a table where you can set this shit down and pick up later?  If I was at the dinner, I would lose the butter and salt on my table and then go around to the other, more celebrity-heavy tables and ask to borrow. “Hi, George. Can you pass the butter tray. Thanks. I’ll bring it right back.”   But I wouldn’t. Instead, I’d scrape all that butter onto my plate and steal the tray because you know that stuff has gotta be monogrammed GC. Ebay bound.

Elizabeth Warren – Dances with Fools

Hey Hollywood, here’s an idea: Dances with Fools, a film detailing the extraordinary life of famed Native American, professor and Senate candidate, Elizabeth Warren.

She is 1/32 Cherokee, all of it easily spotted in her grandfathers high cheekbones. She is also a multimillionaire, part of the 1% she is so against. So do the math: the Cherokee part of her is part of the 99%.

What’s amusing is that this minor dust-up serves to remind her blue collar Dems that she has nothing in common with them – whether it’s being an ivory-tower Harvard prof, or Chief Crazy Horse of the Occupy Tribe.

Other campaign ideas she should avoid:

Red vs. Brown.

Warren Peace Pipe (get it? War and peace AND ‘peace pipe’)

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Note – the author of this post agrees its not that funny or clever but it is the first post being done from a tablet – a test, only a test.

Obama’s New Slogan: FORWARD – oh, and a SINGLE point of LIGHT

ADVICE TO TEAM OBAMA – What looks like “one point of light,” ( rather than a thousand points of light, I suppose) also looks like a train headed straight…for…us.

Do I hear a train coming?

(here’s the obvious change-up on ‘FORWARD” – “FOREWARNED” that I see popping up everywhere – this is my version – you’re welcome to it)

Of course I just completed this “Forewarned” version of Team Obama’s new slogan, and then Googled it to see others already made. oh well.  So, I include a still frame from my never-to-be-made cartoon titled “FORWARD meets CLIFF.

This I’m particularly proud of so a link back would be appreciated. I spent a lot of time drawing that cliff! (eat your heart out Shepard Fairey)

Douglas Kennedy – Bringing Up Baby

Is there a Kennedy family member who isn’t a total jerk? All hail the Kennedys, for they have spawned again and must be allowed to roam when and where they want with their newest creation on hospital grounds. “To get fresh air” (because we all know how smoke-filled those maternity wards can be!)  Remember, it’s not cool to kick a nurse…unless she’s a ginger.

Why is it that every Kennedy seems incapable of avoiding trouble, minor or major? I wonder how long it will be before ‘Ginger’ Joe Kennedy III (candidate for Congress) makes the news (sex scandal? drugs? taxes? who knows! The Kennedy’s always keep it fresh in the scandal department).  Remember, this is a family that believes in public service.  Not to be confused with court-ordered community service, which most of them deserve.

Added 2/26/12: I did not realize until yesterday that Douglas Kicker Kennedy is the 10th of 11 children of Robert F. Kennedy’s – 11 kids!  The Kennedys were apparently the Duggars of New England!  So maybe the percentages of Kennedy’s getting in trouble isn’t as large as I thought.