I went to a Presidential Inauguration once…

Barack Obama is going to become president and his inauguration is THE most important thing ever to happen, if you watch/listen the cable news anchors. 50 million people are going to show up in DC on January 20th and watch the inauguration.  Probably the planet will tilt off its axis because so many followers will converge onto that part of the globe for this occasion. But, guess what?

They’ll wish they stayed home.

Yes, it’s history. It’s a must see. But I went to an inauguration in 1996 for Clinton when I lived in Washington DC as a grad student, because how often does one get a chance to see an inauguration, right? Once was enough, I think. First, it was cold (I think mid-20s). Second, you had to arrive early if you wanted a good spot (that is, a ‘good spot’ in a bad location, a pre-assigned roped off section, indicated by your Inauguration card). So, there at 7:30 am in the morning, and you’re on your feet for the next 6 hours. Nearly everyone is positioned about 10 miles from the stage.  Unless you are Michelle Obama, Rahm Emanuel, or Rick Warren, that is, and have a ticket to row 1. Seriously, there’s a few ‘up close with seats’ sections and I wasn’t offered one of those seats – you gotta be somebody to be in that section (the only consolation is that those special people are just as cold as you).

It's, uh, gonna be cold.
It's, uh, gonna be cold.

I compare it to going to a professional football game. You get the wrong seats, and you don’t know what is going on at the game and you end up watching the jumbotron for 3 hours instead. Football is great on television, but lousy, sometimes, in person. Same goes for the Inauguration. When I was at Bill Clinton’s inauguration, I could barely make out Hillary Clinton, so that’s saying something, cuz I think she was wearing some ugly dress. And I have no idea what Bill Clinton said at that inauguration. Or anybody else, for that matter. Maya Angelou was there. I Know I Why the Caged Bird Froze to Death, I think was the name of her poem. I don’t know if Monica was in town at that time, but I bet she watched it on television.

So, I’m just saying: If you can’t make the inauguration – don’t feel too bad. Sleep in, make some breakfast, and watch it on television. Just know that the people down there will be excited to be there. And they will have serious nose-drip and watery eyes from the cold weather, and their feet will be freezing, and all the Starbucks coffee the world won’t make it any more comfortable.

And I didn’t go into the traffic nightmare!

Joe Biden vs. Sarah Palin – Debate Preview, Answers to Debate Questions!

The two brightest people in America will go at it on Thursday, October 2, 2008 – they will match wits, trade barbs, be wily. But enough about Andy vs Dwight from “The Office!” (NBC is so in the tank for Andy Bernard, it makes me sick. They should just let Dwight win Angela!).

The other event – Joe Versus the Barracuda. Spoiler alert: America wins! Because I have been following for, oh, about twenty days, I think I can provide expert analysis on this whole debate thing between the Veeps (veeps is insider talk for VP which stands for Vice Prez, which stands for Vice President).

Biden plans to leave half his IQ back in Delaware "to make it fair," he says.
Biden plans to leave half his IQ back in Delaware, "because," he says "he want's the debate to be close."

Sarah Palin will be wearing – just joking!!!! I’m not going to describe what a female politician is wearing because that would be sexist. As long as she looks hot, then I’m all good with whatever she says. Joe Biden will be wearing the same suit he wore in 1972 when he left his lucrative one-year career as a lawyer and traded down to be a politician.

The debate will start with lame thank yous to the host, the audience and the building hosting the debate. Except Sarah Palin will say “thanks, but no thanks” to an offer of a glass of water.

The “moderator,” Gwen Ifill, will ask a series of incredibly stupid questions. Both candidates will answer them with their standard campaign-rally answers. But HERE, on this site, is a preview to some of their answers. I won’t give away the questions. I’ll let you hear those on Thursday night.

EXCERPTS OF ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS YOU’LL HEAR ON THURSDAY NIGHT:

Biden: “I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one of them.” (the crowd will oooh and aaah – the next morning Jay-Z’s record label will file a suit against Obama-Biden).

Palin: Biden, Hemingway called, he wants you back in that boat and on the sea pronto!”

Biden: I know foreign policy. I’ve been everywhere. When you’re from Delaware, you want to travel! (the next day, Delaware Chamber of Commerce files a lawsuit against Biden).

Palin: I read newspapers. Both sides. And I have seen all three Bourne movies, so, please, I know foreign policy.

Biden: I didn’t hear the question, Gwen. I was busy admiring my last answer.

Palin: My favorite SNL skit this season? Oh, I’d say the one with the Joe Biden parody. Oh, you say that hasn’t happened yet. Interesting…

Palin: Hillary Clinton is a woman with 18 million cracks.

Biden: My wife is one of those cracks. One of the good ones. (the next day, his wife files for divorce)

The debate will end with a handshake – between “moderator” Gwen Ifill and Joe Biden. She will nod to him like “see, I told you and O that I was gonna do you a solid.” Biden will act like he knows what she meant but later will ask Obama – “what’s a solid?” He will say “it’s like a favor,” but Biden will still feel like it means something else and remain suspicious of his exotic partner and politician.

Andy Bernard and Dwight Schrute, American heroes.
Andy Bernard and Dwight Schrute, American heroes.