The Ask Jeeves phone is due to arrive in 2015. (photoshopped by a blind monkey)
When I’m not ‘blogging’ about made-up stuff, I’m searching the globe for state-of-the-art technology. A lot of people are looking forward to the Google Phone, but I say, why have Google when you can have Jeeves? The Ask Jeeves phone hits the market in just 7 short years. Get in line, folks!
SEVERAL REASONS the ASK JEEVES PHONE RANKS ABOVE the GOOGLE PHONE:
-The Ask Jeeves phone will be touch screen on EVERY side of the phone, with fingers or tongue. That means you can dial your friends by licking the side of the phone.
-You can name your phone whatever you want. No stupid “Android” associated with it. I am going to call my phone “Jeeves” – it’s just a name that came to mind.
-The phone will replace “Please Say A Command” audio direction with “Please Say A Command Five Times Before I Can Understand It!”
Remember – 2015. The Ask Jeeves phone. The future is here, in 2015.
Hey, how brilliant is Saturday Night Live these days? I am thinking of submitting the following ideas, about how newspapers are out-of-touch and plain ol’ crazy, and go after unsubstantiated rumor/stories such as:
Tina Fey got that scar on her chin when she had sex with her dad.
Obama has sex with his daughters.
Lorne Michaels had sex with all the dead players from SNL – yeah, after they were dead, too.
Senate candidate and SNL writer Al Franken has sex with his sons.
Geez, that was easy. I think I have “it” to write for SNL. The sad thing is, years ago that would have been my dream job but I’ve learned since then how you have to be Ivy League material. (because you know, only Ivy League writers know ‘funny.’)
"Saturday Night Live," because "Circle Jerk" was too obvious.
Seriously, this post is just pointing out that being edgy in a skit doesn’t mean being stupidly offensive, as the show was last week. The SNL shows have always been about 25% funny, and 75% lame – a little less so lately. That’s not exactly news, I know, but I wish it weren’t so. This latest program shows that they are headed into a season with some of the worst writing EVER. They know they’ve lost the ‘cool’ factor to The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, and even Geraldo Live (I mean, did you see Geraldo falling in the water – that’s funnier than anything on SNL)
One reason: the talent pool. They keep going to the same ‘sketch comedy’ dork schools – all self-referential, all aware that existing at said ‘sketch comedy’ dork school may lead to SNL (their dream). And apparently nobody at SNL can remember one single line of dialogue. Instead, it’s 90 minutes of ‘talent’ trying to read their lines casually while trying to be funny. And don’t give me the “they only have one week to rehearse” when in fact they spend most of the week dicking around, selecting the skits late in the week. Whose fault is that?. Lorne Michaels, Canadian.
The show is on auto-pilot, has been for about 20 years. There are more laughs in a GEICO commercial. The reason: Lorne Michaels. Yes, he created the show, produces it now, and apparently is one lazy dude.
If there’s no other indication that the show is on auto-pilot is the opening monologue. No matter who is the host, no matter what is going on, the monologue ALWAYS ends with “so stick around we’ve got a great show!” – BORING. And then the rest of the show goes into ‘same’ mode. How about having a stand-up comedian somewhere in the middle of the show, like the old days? Or having a host because they are funny, not because they are plugging their latest show. And how about a 20 year ban on athletes performing?
"Yeah, I can't believe anyone still watches SNL, either."
NY Times columnist and current day Nostradamus, Thomas “the pen” Friedman announced that he is already hard at work on a sequel to his book Hot, Flat, and Crowded, tentantively titled Hotter, Flatter, and Crowdeder – More Shit About Humans You Already Know.
To be published this Fall, Friedman's book will be irrelevant three weeks into December.
In the new book, author Friedman promises to explore how we’re all connected and how this little planet is just really friggin’ hot, and flat, and crowded, still! Friedman takes a look at the planet’s beaches, and notes that many beaches are flat, hot, and sometimes crowded, and that this serves as an important reminder:
“Don’t live at the beach. It’s a total hassle, there’s no parking, and you can’t get the sand out of your car no matter what.”
He notes that deserts are hot, flat, but not often crowded, a phenomenon he has no explanation for, except to say that it has something to do with the production of the personal computer.
“When you purchase a computer on your computer, which is hot because it’s been on all day, viewing it on your monitor, which may be a flat-screen, your order goes into a long but fast waiting list – a crowded list. There’s your hot, flat and crowded. Only, these orders do not go to the desert. They go to where people live, so that their children can manufacture them.”
As for the common belief that a planet this is crowded and more reliant on one another for mass production, therefore less likely to war with one another, Friedman admits he hasn’t completely figured it out.
“You know, when I wrote some of my earlier books, like Cujonoid, and Clan of the Cave Deer, I thought the more crowded we got, the less war we’d be.
“I forgot that more people on the planet means more expendable people. Simply put: the governments of the world have more people to use for combat. They’re overflowing in people – why not do the war thing? In fact, if it were up to me, we should invade Britain right now. Stir it up. Stir it the “eff up”, as the kids say.”
Published in Summer 2008, Friedman's most recent book is already behind the times. His new book promises to be a little more current.
Just when Law & Order was running out of ideas and New York area actors, along comes Gawker Media. While only hours old, the story of Gawker posting hacked Sarah Palin emails/contacts has already been penned for television by Dick Wolf for his program, Law & Order.
You've Just Been Gawkered!Dick Wolfe: "This shit just writes itself."
The story will involve some morons, according to Wolf.
“We’ve done stories on murderers, rapists, thieves, celebrity crooks, but this story is just one of those file-under-stupid-criminals type of stories. Real easy shit to write.”
Nick Denton, fresh fish in the upcoming episode of Law & Order.
In the episode, Nick Denton and staff at Gawker media are arrested for violating federal and state laws that prohibit the use of something that was stolen, which this joke writer is too lazy too look up, but knows everyone is all innocent until proven guilty in the court of l-a-w. Everybody on L&O, episode #1,553,221 gets upset, but Denton and crew still go to prison. And they start a prison blog on Prison Life called “Soap.”
Gawker Media's new prison blog, Soap.
Well, very meta, but in the episode, Denton is assaulted while posting on his blog, and in his self-defense, he kills the attacker with his Mac book. So he sues NY and McCoy and all these other Law & Order characters I can’t remember for a bunch of damages for being all stressed out over having to kill someone. And then at the end, Denton and crew walk out of prison, with smirks on their faces, all free and stuff. And then at the very, very end, the lawyers meet up with the District Attorney and hear some wise-old-man-whose-seen-it-all crap about “how the system worked.”
And all of this from illegally posting stuff. Coming to you this season, on Law & Order.
With the 2008 election only 48 days away, The Huffington Post announced they would begin using the largest font-size ever on their front page headlines.
1,000 pt.
Tired of their 60 pt font, editors at the HuffPost said they would get their stories across better if they used a larger font.
“Tomorrow we’re going with, 1,000 pt font-sizes announcing that John McCain is the devil. We tried it in 48 pt font and we convinced only 14,357 people. We need to convince more.”
Turn it up to 11.
Insiders say the new font-size will require two monitors to read.
“It’s stupid, but it’s definitely innovative,” said one expert via his Go Phone.
Arianna TheHuffingtonpost, the owner of the site, who coincidentally shares the same name as the website, said something at a press conference but nobody could understand a word.
I use my site to think/write out jokes/ideas on news, etc., but occasionally will make mention of something serious. Unfortunately, that has happened this evening, with the report that David Foster Wallace has died, apparently by suicide.
I admit I have not read everything of his, but did recently read the collection of essays in Consider the Lobster, which were excellent.
Consider: David Foster Wallace
He’ s probably best known for his large novel Infinite Jest – which I own but have yet to read yet. It’s just one of those books – you want to read, you hear it’s good, you buy it, but it’s so damn heavy. As someone who earned a MFA, has written very little, and who loves a good essay or novel, I appreciate very much what he did, and the fact that he was teaching English and writing in Southern California.
I don’t know enough about David Foster Wallace to even speculate the reasons for his passing. It’s unfortunate.
UPDATE: A colleague of David’s writes about him here at Huffington Post.
And here’s an interview of David on the Charlie Rose Show from 1997. Even if you’ve never read anything by David, watch it – they cover dozens of topics – film, writing, etc.
Another appearance here on Charlie Rose, with writers Mark Leyner and Jonathan Franzen, having a great discussion on books, reading, and the impact of culture on their writing.
ADDED 9/14/08: I just want to note how embarrassing it is, although not unexpected, that there is no mention of DFW’s passing on television. At least, I haven’t seen one mention of it on any of the major cable news shows – yet I’ve seen the stupid SNL clip from last night a thousand times in 3 hours. This is why people rely on the internet for news.
FINALLY, I want to add this, in light of this news – the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline’s website, which has useful information for anyone who needs help or knows someone who does, including the phone #1-800-273-TALK. Is it a guarantee they can help? No, it isn’t, but humor me and call if it you think you should.
MARK WIBERG 