Author: Wiberg

Joe Biden: Why Can’t I Be Smeared!

~ Wiberg ~ 3 Comments

Late Friday night, Delaware-not-Pennsylvania Senator and vice-presidential candidate Joe Biden complained to the press that absolutely nobody was investigating him. He admitted he was extremely disappointed that the McCain campaign had yet to send a team of lawyers to his home state to research his activities.

I wont be ignored. Senator Joe Biden wants his time in the spotlight to make a gaffe.
"I won't be ignored." Senator Joe Biden wants his time in the spotlight to make a gaffe.

“I have skeletons in my closet, people. I have a high IQ, so my skeletons are very smart. The closet is unlocked, too. Please, pick up the phone, find something out about me. I’m a baaad guy.”

Despite hundreds of hours of media spent on the Republican vice-presidential canddiate, Sarah Palin, Barack Obama’s choice has barely registered with the American voter.

“Give me time, and I promise, I will make a gaffe or say something so inappropriate that you’ll wonder why I’m not in prison. I’m a gaffe-making-machine – just turn me on!”

Biden said if needed, he would buy air time to reveal some of his awful decisions made while a U.S. Senator for over 30 years.

“I will pay to be smeared. That’s how serious I am about winning the vice-presidency.

“I’ve been here forever, and believe me, in what little I’ve done, there are plenty of scratch-your-head moments. Did you know I voted for the United States to bomb Canada during the Stanley Cup finals? I did. I’m a total f*ck up. Just look into it, for Chrissakes!”

Barack Obama couldn’t be reached for comment, according to his advisors. “He’s too busy emailing his suporters. Something John McCAin cannot do.”

Sarah Palin: I thought Bush Doctrine Referred to my Lady Parts choices

~ Wiberg ~ 1 Comment

In a brief interview Good Housekeeping Magazine this evening, vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin admitted that when ABC’s Charlie Gibson asked her about the Bush Doctrine, she was a little shocked.

Sarah Palin, just one of many Alaskan Governors trying to mettle in American political affairs
Sarah Palin later clarified to Good Housekeeping her opinion on the "Bush" Doctrine.

“Honestly, I thought he was asking a very personal question, if you know what I mean. What I do down there, around my lady parts, is nobody’s business. It’s for me or my husband to know.”

When pressed about her personal grooming habits, Sarah offered a hint. “Let me just remind you – it gets cold in Alaska, and I like to keep all my body warm with what God gave me. That’s all I’m saying.”

Bush has become an important topic this campaign season
Bush has become an important topic this campaign season

Others on the campaign have yet to be asked about the Bush Doctrine. Hillary? Michelle Obama?

Barack Obama: John McCain Can’t Send Email…McCain: I can IM like a mutha

~ Wiberg ~ 5 Comments

Today, Barack Obama’s campaign unveiled an ad pointing out the fact that John McCain does not use email. OMG!

(Nevermind that John McCain cannot use a keyboard due to the injuries suffered as POW. Oops! I’ll leave that to the other sites to dissect)

Anyway, later the John McCain campaign, in response to the ad, released transcripts demonstrating that John McCain wasn’t big on email, but loved to IM.

Here, for example, was Senator McCain’s IM log from late 1999, to wife Cindy McCain:

McCain2000Prez4sure: yo, C, what’s up?

AZGirl54: not much. just chillin’. getting my eBay fix.

McCain200Prez4sure: Sweet. Hey, have U talked 2 the kidz?

AZGirl54: oh, wait. BRB.

McCain200Prez4sure: OK.

AZGirl54: I’m back. I talked 2 kids y-day.

McCain200Prez4sure: R they coming 2 the rally next week?

AZGirl54: Just 1/2 of them.

McCain200Prez4sure: Which 1s?

AZGirl54: Does it matter?

McCain200Prez4sure: No. LOL.

AZGirl54: LOL. Ooh. I just won some dishes. Do we have a PayPal account, yet?

McCain200Prez4sure: We do 🙂

AZGirl54: Gr8.

McCain200Prez4sure: R U going 2 join the St8t Talk Xpress 2moro?

AZGirl54: IDK. I’ll get back 2 U.

McCain200Prez4sure: GGN

AZGirl54: Bye.

John McCain can IM.
John McCain can IM.

Humans to restart the “Matrix” with Large Hadron Collider – 9/10/08

~ Wiberg

In Switzerland, underground scientists will hit the switch on their new-fangled machine that will accelerate particles around a 17 mile tunnel. This thing probably has one big-ass carbon footprint! Oh, and the purpose? To unlock some mysteries that have yet to be figured out, such as: whatever happened to Domino Pizza’s loveable character the Noid? And the how and why of Dane Cook. Also promised with this machine is the resetting of the Matrix, the place where we live in what seems to be a “real” environment. It was all documented in a three part documentary called The Matrix, Matrix Reloaded, and Matrix Revolutions. I recommend you go to your local library and check it out before the Architect gets his act together.

One of the universes biggest mysteries, to be solved by the Large Hadron Collider (in 30 minutes or less, of course)
One of the universe's biggest mysteries, to be solved by the Large Hadron Collider (in 30 minutes or less, of course)

Some people warn that the Large Hadron Collider could cause irreversible damage, like forming a little tiny, Chihuahua-size black hole that could possibly grow and grow and suck up the whole big planet Earth. I call these alarmists “optimists.” How friggin’ cool would that be? To be part of Generation Black Hole – the Last Thrill Ride! It’s something you can tell your grandkids about, if you weren’t all squishy and plasmatic nothingness floating through space.

Review: Do You Believe in Gosh – Mitch Hedberg’s new CD

~ Wiberg

The new CD of Mitch Hedberg material, Do You Believe in Gosh? was released on September 9, 2008. Mitch Hedberg and the new CD are discussed about in this New York Times piece which came out last week. No, as one friend asked, Mitch is not the stand-up comic version of rapper Tupac, releasing material from the Great Beyond. Instead, this material was compiled from a few performances at the Ontario Improv, not intended for release. Who knows if anything like this by Hedberg will be released in the future, but hopefully so.

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef!
Mitch Hedberg: "A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef!"

FIRST IMPRESSIONS: Listening to the material this evening, there is a lot of great jokes, of course. Some material is obviously stuff he’s trying out, but there’s plenty of clever one-liners to satisfy Mitch Hedberg fans. The first track or two is slow-going and I was a little worried that it would ramble all the way through (like, be really unpolished), but once the one-liners get going, you forget that this was not intended for commercial release because some of it is gold. The material was still being worked on, still finding its way into the world of Mitch, but a lot it easily matches up against his previous albums’ polished set of material. And even when joke doesn’t work, Mitch sometimes admits or just lets it fade out. It’s a good example of how seemingly successful (I’d call him successful) comics still have to get on stage, try new material, and see how it works.

My favorite so far is the set-up/punch-line for the inspirational physically challenged Lola, the typical, physically challenged person who is supposed to inspire the world by not knowing the word “can’t.” I won’t spoil it, but Mitch Hedberg has a bigger concern about Lola.

There are 13 title tracks but Mitch Hedberg fans know that this means there’s probably 15 other topics discussed in rapid-fire, curious one-liners and thoughts about nearly everything, from burritos to ESPN Classic to heavy belts.

Yes, I recommend it, of course. Hopefully, this isn’t the last album of Mitch stuff that will be released. If there is a Gosh, of course, then more will be released.

As with the other albums, there’s occasional harsh language, but the subject matter is everyday stuff.

Joe Biden: I love Me Some Pig – don’t listen to the other guy

~ Wiberg

Today Joe Biden condemned his fellow Senator’s remarks, referring to Sarah Palin as a pig with lipstick.

“Let’s just get one thing clear. I love pigs. With or without lipstick. Barack doesn’t and I don’t know why. He’s weird, okay.”

I cant believe Im on this ticket
Joe hearts Pigs

BONUS MATERIAL: Predictable, extremist commentary: You know who else doesn’t like pigs? Muslims! Oh MY GOD! That’s proof that Barack is a muslim!!!!!! He doesn’t like pigs, aka Pork!!!!! I am totally forwarding this to my friends.