Comedy

Joe Biden and Lobbyist Son Hunter at the Dinner Table

~ Wiberg

Last month, Joe Biden’s Senate office spokesperson said the following about his son, Hunter Biden, who is a lawyer/lobbyists for several companies.

“Hunter Biden does not lobby and has not lobbied Senator Biden’s office,” Alexander said in an e-mail. “Our rules are dictated by the Senate ethics bill, and we follow it by the letter.” Alexander said she knew of no favors done for the son’s clients.”

But doubts were raised when a transcript was released several days later, as Hunter Biden visited his father’s home for Sunday dinner.

TRANSCRIPT:

Joe Biden: How is your work going, son?

Hunter Biden: Please don’t ask that, dad. I don’t want to cause any conflicts of interest.

JB: I understand. Can you pass me the salt?

HB: I can pass that salt, if you can pass the mustard.

JB: But there isn’t any mustard on the table.

(brief silence)

JB: Oh, yes, of course. I’ll pass that soon. It will get passed.

HB: Thank you dad. I love mustard. My friends back at the firm love mustard.

JB: I’ll pass it, don’t worry. Man, this mooseburger is delicious.

HB: Why are we having moose burgers? They taste awful.

JB: It’s a long story, but apparently the other side is going to pick some hockey mom from Alaska and the One – excuse me, Senator Obama – thought I’d should do some research on the folks up there – y’know, see what the eat, what they drink, that sorta thing. Hey, what do you think of my new hair?

HB: Not bad, dad. You look like a million bucks. Or at least a quarter of a million dollars.

JB: Is that all?

HB: Well, you might look like a little more, but it depends. I’d have to ask my colleagues. I’m still new at judging hair.

JB: You ask them. I’ll bet they see that I look like at least half a million bucks. I mean, this is great hair!

HB: I agree, but it isn’t doing that much lately.

JB: It will soon. This hair will do things for you, believe me. Tell your friends that. Now, can you pour me some more of that arctic icewater?

END TRANSCRIPT

A 2004 photograph shows close ties between Joe Biden and lobbyist Hunter Biden (who is on one side or the other of Joe - does it matter?)
A 2004 photograph shows close ties between Joe Biden and lobbyist Hunter Biden (who is on one side or the other of Joe - does it matter?)

Obama, Father of Two, Insists On Continuing Campaign for Presidency

~ Wiberg

Dismissing criticisms and demands by liberal bloggers to drop out of the presidential race to focus on his children, Barack Obama said he would continue, despite the fact that his kids recently scored “average” on their academic tests and continually ignore directions to keep their rooms clean.

Father of two children, Barack Obama says hes running for office to get away from his kids.
Father of two children, Barack Obama says he's running for office to get away from his kids.

“I know there are a lot of critics out there who say I should stay home, raise my kids, and not run for office. But, the kids are young. The littlest one – I can’t recall her name – just learn to read and, quite frankly, she isn’t that good at it. And when she’s reading to me or telling me a story, I get a little bored – she’s not exactly Garrison Keillor, if you know what I mean. I love my kids, but I just need my space.”

What about vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin, mother of five, including one with special needs?

“Listen,” he offered. “I have special needs – I especially need to get away from my own kids.”

Obama says “two” is the magic number. “I think if you have more than two kids, any decision to do anything other than raise their kids is entirely selfish. Look how the Kennedys turned out. Did you see that movie The Hills Have Eyes? That’s the Kennedys, unsupervised.”

The Kennedys - Not Stay At Home Parents
The Kennedys - Not Stay At Home Parents

Joe Biden – Private Sector Employment History Revealed! Young, Dumb, and Full Of

~ Wiberg

In a two minute investigative report using the internets, mostly Wikipedia, vice-presidential candidate Joe Biden’s private sector employment history was revealed, providing a stunning insight into the Delaware Senator, listed here:

1. Practiced Law in 1969.

1969 Employee of the Year
1969 Employee of the Year at Biden Law Offices

In 1970, Joe Biden was elected to a County Council position, and from there, went on to represent in the U.S. Senate, effectively ending his private sector employment history.

Even more impressive, Joe Biden currently lists his net worth between $59,000 and $366,000, making him one of the poorest current Senators. As one unnamed Senator put it: “Biden has done the impossible: he’s managed to be in the U.S. Senate for 30 years and not get rich. What a loser.”

Biden explained his financial situation to my imaginary friend. “I didn’t go to Washington to get rich. I went there to work. And, yes, had I known I could have made loads of money in D.C., I would have. For sure. I was young, dumb, and full of cumulative blue collar experiences that I thought I could use to help the public.”

Obama: “We’re Not Going to Be Bullied!” Reality Responds: “Um, Yes You Are.”

~ Wiberg

Bon Jovi superfan and presidential candidate Barack Obama today said that his campaign “would not be bullied.” He issued this statement at a Bon Jovi concernt, in front of dozens of NJ residents.

Obama can hear music five miles away
Obama can hear music 5 miles away.

When asked to name his favorite Bon Jovi song, Obama responded: “Living On A Prayer, of course. A Christian prayer, by the way, because I am a Christian and nothing else.”

In 2004, Bon Jovi helped John Kerry all the way to 2nd Place in the Presidential contest!
In 2004, rocker Bon Jovi helped John Kerry all the way to 2nd Place in the Presidential contest!

Obama added that they were not going to be smeared or lied about.

The McCain / Palin campaign responded quickly. “Once again, Barack Obama is wrong. He was wrong on the war, wrong on the surge, and he is wrong at the Bon Jovi concert. He will, in fact, be bullied, smeared, and lied about. That’s what we do and that’s what they do. It’s called politics and, like making sausage, it gets kinda ugly.”

Later, a reporter was able to ask vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin what her favorite Bon Jovi song was, and she responded without hesitation. “Thank You For Loving Me.”

Sarah Palin - Slippery When Wet? Or just a Blaze of Glory?
Sarah Palin - Slippery When Wet? Or just a Blaze of Glory?

Other candidates weighed in.

Joe Biden: “No idea who Bon Jovi is, sorry.”

John McCain: “Let me get back to you on this. I have seven of their albums, I’m just not sure which ones.”

Americans Already Bored with Same Old Alaska Governor Type

~ Wiberg ~ 2 Comments

This week, a study of message board and comment posts across several hundred websites indicate that a growing number of Americans are already growing tired of the current Alaska Governor, Sarah Palin, and her attempts to lead the Republicans to the White House.

“So many Alaskan Governors think they know better,” one voter wrote on a message board that didn’t require a username/password. “Do they not get that Alaska and Hawaii are, like, totally far away and really don’t know what it’s like to be American.”

Sarah Palin, just one of many Alaskan Governors trying to mettle in American political affairs
Sarah Palin, just one of many Alaskan Governors trying to mettle in American political affairs

Another commenter, with 417 posts and an avatar of a laughing baby, vented to her fellow messageboarders: “From Walter Hickel to Bill Sheffeld, these Governors from this stupid state that is somewhere near Canada, think they know what’s best for the country. Why don’t they just stick with what they know – fishing, bears, and igloos.”

Governor Bill Sheffeld - just another know-it-all Governor thinking his state is part of the United States.
Governor Bill Sheffeld - one of the first know-it-all Alaskan Governors who believed his state really mattered to the rest of the country.

Obama campaign managers described the anti-Alaskan Governor trend as expected. “It’s something we saw in the numbers on our brand new Macs and wi-fi connection and clearly Alaska, as a state, needs to check itself before they wreck themselves. It’s like, just be glad we added you to the country. Don’t get greedy.”

Laura Bush Unveils new 3000 model of Cindy McCain robot

~ Wiberg ~ 3 Comments

At the Republican National Convention, First Lady Laura Bush introduced to the world the latest in robotic science when she introduced the stylish Cindy McCain 3000. Outfitted in gold silk, the CM3K approached the podium, waving to the adoring crowd.

Laura Bush guides the Cindy McCain 3000 robot to the podium
Laura Bush guides the Cindy McCain 3000 robot to the podium

Fluent in only English and several Spanish words, the Cindy McCain 3000 robot has a 1TB hard-drive and 5 gb dual-processors, as well as audio and video processors allowing for basic communication and movement.

“I am very proud of my country,” and “Please welcome, John McCain” are two of 40,000 phrases programmed into the robot, which costs an estimated $23.5 million dollars. An ATM installed above the spleen allows CM3K owners to withdraw money in 10 different currencies, with no option for deposit.

The Cindy McCain 3000 promises to be an improvement over some of the earlier versions, including the original Cindy McCain98, which ran on Windows and was perceived as too severe.

Released in 1998, the Cindy McCain98 robot failed to meet expectations
Released in 1998, the Cindy McCain98 robot failed to meet expectations

UPDATE HERE on robot inspiration for CM3k.