We Need To Talk about Prometheus – spoilers

This video by Red Letter media asks a lot of questions I have about the film Prometheus, the sorta prequel to the Alien movies.

I enjoyed the movie  and the ‘big’ questions it poses near the end, but I am frustrated with the characters’ actions, which are, of course, necessary for a alien/horror/thriller (If everyone acted as they should, the film might be BORING!).

But in addition to some of the inconsistencies brought up in the video above,  there are:

1) With their security cameras, could they not see that the ‘geologist’/security guy was folded like a pretzel in front of the big door. Doesn’t anyone say “holy shit, Fred is back, he’s dead, and it looks like someone folded him up like a lawn chair!” No. Instead, they open the door, and hell breaks loose.  Again, a flame thrower? I’m not an expert but does a gas-propelled weapon run any risk of not operating correctly in an alien atmosphere?

2) The Girl With The Dragon Baby – I know there’s a reason for the ‘surgery box’ to be only for male patients (as it was funded/built for Mr. Weyland) but that was incredibly idiotic because what if at one point Mr. Weyland wanted to have a sex change?  Of course, Lisbet Salander Elizabeth Shaw (Noomi Rapace) fixes her baby problem in the end and recovers faster than any patient, as moments later she’s outrunning a falling ship. No co-pay!

3) Is there ever an alien pregnancy that isn’t on hyperdrive?  One could argue that an advance/prehistoric alien race needs a quick turnaround on the babymaking venture, but one day? What books do they write for these Aliens?  What To Expect When You’re Expecting Oh Look It’s A Boy Who Is Now Bigger Than You and Wants To Rip Your Face Off?   A mother knows….

4) The video mentions it above but the two assholes who die first deserve it. They acted no better than the morons in Piranha.  These are scientists!? I guess anybody can get a college degree.  The ship lands on the planet and everyone is totally chill about landing next to an alien structure (what luck!). This is when you need the Spielberg ‘ooooohhh’ faces that he’s famous for.  Nobody was impressed and instead they hop on their ATV (electric vehicles? how does a gas engine operate in a different atmosphere? I don’t know. just asking) and motor out there without any security or plan.

5) Outrunning a storm. I liked that scene when I saw it in every. Mars. movie. ever. made.  Even in MI:4 (non-Mars movie) with Tom Cruise. I half-expected Ethan Hunt to come out of the storm on a camel and pass everyone up.  Alien Planet storms are overdone. Maybe next time they can bring a weatherman on board or next time the robot David can study up on their targeted planet’s 5 Day Forecast.

6) Charlize Theron – what was her purpose? She played no roll in the movie’s plots except to  walk up and down the halls of the ship Prometheus and stand around in a white-hot jumpsuit. The movie would have rolled out the same without her.  And is she a robot? I guess that was answered when she was too stupid to dodge the slowly falling ship. Aeon Flux, she ain’t.

7) Guy Pearce as the old man. What a waste. Why even credit the role? Somebody black goop his agent.

8) the Independence Day problem – Another alien movie, and another computer operating system that is wholly accessible to humans (this time, via David the robot – how convenient. In no time flat he’s shuffling through the alien database like he’s at dominos.com ordering a two topping pizza).  And holograms (!)  to tell us what happened in the past., but only show the last two minutes of activity, like some 7-11 store cam??

9) Super buff but modest aliens.  We get it. Advanced beings like to work out and eat low-fat, but still find the need to cover up. Why didn’t this dope just pour the stuff in the water instead of ingest it? What a show off all around.

Ripley? No. Ripped? Yes. Somebody send this guy an Insanity t-shirt!

10) Where was the cool soundtrack from the trailer (the sound from the last minute of this trailer – I don’t recall it being in the movie – maybe David took it?)

11) Did we get all the races represented in this movie? No, sorry!! Maybe next time! What did we have?

Black guy – check (and stereotypically lackadaisical and horny, redeeming himself at the end because how else is he’s going to return to Earth that he made it but that everyone else died, right?).

Asian pilot dude (Mr. NoName) who joins in the kamikaze ending- check.

White males – greedy know-it-alls.

White females – bitchy and cold.

Yes, I will see the sequel.

UPDATE: I’ve opened up Comments – feel free to leave your opinions on the movie!

Ashley Judd Wins Another Indy 500!!

Today, actress Ashley Judd won the Indy 500. Or maybe her husband Dario Franchitti did. It was hard to tell by how much camera time she got. I don’t watch racing but does the racetrack announcer usually congratulate the wife  while she runs around the pit?

This photo taken in 2010 shows Indy 500 winner Ashley Judd taking a victory lap, thanking her fans. Her vow to win at least three Indy races before returning to her film career was fulfilled May 27, 2012 as her surrogate driver Dario Franchitti beat out all other drivers.

Obama’s Celebrity Fundraiser Dinner – $40K a plate, Travolta Massage for $500 more.

Obama is having dinner tonight with celebrities. I’ve heard they brought in extra bathrooms to allow some of the actresses a place to barf up what they eat.  My other ‘joke’ is that it is $40k a plate, but for an extra $500 John Travolta will give you a handjob behind the garage.

Travolta likes massages. And jets. But probably he likes massages more.

I have no problem with a fundraiser dinners. Not sure why there aren’t more fundraising breakfasts – sure would be a hell of a lot cheaper! “Everybody got their cereal bowl? Good. Frosted Flakes or Raisin Bran? Please make that check out to “Me for President”

I hear Romney will have a Republican celebrity dinner soon – table for 4, please! Running for president costs a ton of money. Especially if you can’t keep your dick in your pants and have to pay off your batshit crazy mistress. John Edwards, that was for you – I know you are reading my blog from your hillbilly mansion.  Probably on a iPad so you can Facetime  yourself while reading.

If celebrities like George Clooney were really smart, they would videotape this dinner and netflix/dvd that shit out of it. I’d watch it. I’d want to see what it’s like to eat dinner with the President of the United States. Does he get all Carls Jr. about dinner and not talk until he’s done or does he talk with his mouth full. Does he say “pass the salt?” or just “hey, salt me!”  Does he stand up when a lady leaves the room (wait, this is Hollywood – no ladies present, right?). Do they toast each other and if so, do they have music playing the background to tell them to ‘wrap it up’? Does George Clooney leave the television powered on, but muted, so he can see how the Lakers are doing? Does he wheel the tv over to the table or keep excusing himself to check the score. Or does he keep checking his phone?

I wonder how many assholes at this dinner will be playing with their phones (texting, word with friends, facebook). I mean, you’re at a dinner with the president – your phone can wait! (unless your Toby Maguire -it can’t wait. The dude’s done pretty well but when’s the last time you’ve seen a Toby Maguire movie? He needs to keep his phone at the ready).

Do they serve dessert? Is there gonna be some jerkwad who’s allergic to everything?  Or a vegan? Now’s not the time to start your caveman diet, Ironman! And how does that work after dinner. Does George Clooney stand up and say ‘you three tables, leave. You can go now.’   Do you get autographs at an event like this and if so, do you have to carry around a 8 x 10 of George Clooney the whole night or do they have a table where you can set this shit down and pick up later?  If I was at the dinner, I would lose the butter and salt on my table and then go around to the other, more celebrity-heavy tables and ask to borrow. “Hi, George. Can you pass the butter tray. Thanks. I’ll bring it right back.”   But I wouldn’t. Instead, I’d scrape all that butter onto my plate and steal the tray because you know that stuff has gotta be monogrammed GC. Ebay bound.

Enough With the never-seen before photographs of Marilyn Monroe phenomenon

Is it me or is it every year there are released ‘never seen photographs’ of Marilyn Monroe?  Let’s just call on every little weird Hollywood insider photographer and set crew members who snapped a pic of MM to release any and all photographs of Marilyn Monroe this year on, say, June 1, 2012, and be DONE WITH IT!  I’m not a fan at all, but even fans of MM have got to be tired of this shit.

oooh, look - another photo of Marilyn Monroe. She looks so very different in this one than the other 5 million photos we've seen!

There is, probably, some old geezer out there with a folder of pictures of MM thinking “oh boy, I have photos nobody has ever seen and one day I will share with the world!”   To him, I say ‘don’t wait, because you won’t be the last!’. Unless, of course, everyone agrees to a Marilyn Monroe Freedom Of Photo Information Act of June 1, 2012 and they release every image ever taken of this person.

This is also an important reminder to never wish that a actor or actress you dislike die an early death because then they will be made into a legend/icon and you will have to look and hear about them for the rest of your life.


New Rule – Moratorium on “Saved Animal” movie genre

Hi readers. The other day I saw a commercial for this new film called Big Miracle, where some people saved some whales. Not to be confused with the film where some people help a dolphin. Not too be confused with the film where some girl helps some birds. Not to be confused with the film where some people buy a zoo. Not to be confused where a guy loves his pain-in-the-ass dog so much. Not to be confused with a kid who saves another whale. Twice. Not to be confused with some dude braving battle to get his horse. Not to be confused with this kid and her friend, the seal. Or this kid and his dolphin. And so on.

WE GET IT! Humans helping Animals! Each film makes about $12 million dollars opening weekend but goes on to make billions on home video sales only because they aren’t cartoons. Parents are sick of cartoons so to have a dvd with a real live human is a monumental feat.  There are enough films out there now. So, if you have saved a bird, or a monkey, or a turtle, or have a grumpy cat that you save from the electric chair, keep that story to yourself! Don’t get an agent and sell your story. Just scrapbook it and share with your friends and family.

This is the only animal/human story that interest me: