Truther. Right here. Right now. Let’s Roll. Bring it On. Scooby Doo. You add up the numbers, 3, 11, 11, and you know what you get. 26. Or 25. Stupid calculator. Anyway, 25 is a pretty meaningful number, especially when it comes to conspiracies. You know what I’m talking about. Yes you do. So, then, why don’t you tell me what I’m talking about.
Okay, so, I was talking (facetiously to the nth degree) about how the Japan quake was probably an inside job and how I’ve become a 3/11 Truther. That’s right – boom! Just like that, you, too, can become a 3/11 Truther! Crappy, over-analyzed videos on YouTube? Check. LooseChange, Change Harder, got that on my editing board right now! Because, really, where did all that water in the tsunami come from? We don’t know the exact volume of the ocean because GW Bush and Obama don’t want us to know, so they can pull stunts like this earthquake/tsunami. Obviously it was brought in by a shadow government. Duh! Paging Julian Assange. Assange, to the front desk. Fire can’t melt steel and water can’t push cars around. If it really could push cars around how is it that so many of us are able to drive in the rain? Whatever you see on the internet is what the government wants you to see – it’s staged. A lot of people think the 1969 moon landing was a hoax. The landing was a hoax, but not the take-off from the moon, that was real – don’t ask me how I know. Go read a book, man. Back to Japan – houses floating down the street? I saw Lost in Translation. I am fairly certain that the Japanese people don’t even live in houses like those shown in the videos. They live in little tiny apartments with Hello Kitty graphics on the walls and pet rocks. This earthquake occurred to keep the “sheeple” from paying attention to the Middle East and Charlie Sheen (who we all know is being set-up with the standard ‘two-goddesses-bag-of-coke’ trap to discredit him for his own conspiracy beliefs. Winning!).
So, I was going to do a 3/11 truther website and everything and sell t-shirts and videos(prophet/profit – wow, so deep) and soon host my own satellite radio show. But I don’t have the energy. Of course I don’t – not with the contrails above my house dropping secret government brain-washing powder on my head. And the flouride in the water, and the SMART meter attached to my electricity meter. I just work and love me some PepsiMax and American Idol, like a good American!
So, then I googled “japan earthquake conspiracy” (just to see if I was first in line in critical thinking skills). Lo and behold, I was beaten to the punch, finding several discussions, like this one:
and this jughead:
this guy looks like his head has moving plates, so maybe he does know something about earthquakes.
As we all know from Jesse Ventura’s Conspiracy Nerd-Alert College, HAARP is a high frequency thingamabob in Alaska that studies shit but of course it is really used as a giant ‘energy/plasma beam’ to wreak havoc on little countries, courtesy of a shadow government. Use HAARP on al Qaeda in the mountains of Afghanistan or Pakistan? Or, say, rattle middle eastern dictators with a few little tremors? No! Instead, let’s slam Japan and Haiti. They’ve both had it coming for a long time. 3/11 Truthers believe this, because when you live in your grandma’s basement and think the X-Files series is a documentary, anything is possible. By the way, HAARP is not to be confused with AARP, which is an equally terrifying organization, whose chief objective is to get in the way of the general population, usually by driving below the speed limit and taking fifteen minutes to order a “hamburger sandwich” at McDonald’s. Please see Wilfred Brimley for more on this AARP gang.
Taking this further, of course, is the idea that this was created to bolster Big Oil’s stranglehold on the energy biz by causing the quake that would damage the nuke plants (rather than, say, just damaging only the nuclear plants, with same results). Dick Cheney himself probably flipped the switch on HAARP. Because we all KNOW that Big Oil wants to keep us dependent on oil and the way to do that is to kill thousands of potential customers via some awful SyFy-type mega-earthquake scenario. You know, if every “enemy” was as smart as we think they are, that brain power would eventually cross over for the ‘good’ of mankind, and we’d be living on Mars right now, watching So You Think You Can Dance On Mars? right now,or talking on little phones that could record videos, play games, instant message…wait a minute!
Of course, all of this is possible because if there is one thing that human beings are good at, it is keeping secrets and forming conspiracies. GW Bush did it, so of course anybody can.
The lesson here is that we need to ban the number 11. Bad Things Happy To Good People. Especially on days numbered 11.
11 bad. 25 is…well, you know what it is. Why don’t you tell me.
[disclaimer – of course this post has nothing to do with the real tragic events happening in Japan, except to point out the idiots who buy into every conspiracy theory out there and who disregard any common sense. Yes, bad people are out there with their own self-interests, but if one looks objectively at the details, you know it makes very little sense. If there is a secret government out there running the world, and they read this, please do something about the lobby wait time in Call of Duty: Black Ops. You want to keep me as a sheeple, then solve this. Otherwise, I might get bored with video games and go read a book.]
Here is a link on HuffingtonPost with some links to real people who are organized and helping people in need (of course, always be mindful when selecting a charity – know who you are giving to and what it is being used for).
and I’ll probably delete any stupid comments that come in.