Author: Wiberg

Stop Posting Your Kids on the Internet – A Rant!

~ Wiberg

Hi Parent,

Your kid is cute and clever and can sing and dance and act and be funny and get mad and stoned and all sorts of things. But remember this: you are not legally required to video it and post it online.  It is perfectly acceptable to record a video or single image of your incredibly bright and/or goofy kid and share with only friends and family.  You know, you could learn to burn a DVD or save it on your computer. You could even watch said event without recording it and then relay it by storytelling!! Try remembering one moment in your kids life without your phone plastered to your face, without worrying how many Comments or Likes your project is going get, and planning your trip to the Ellen Show that might occur if the video takes off. Does your kid even know what you look like? I bet if they drew you a picture of you, you’d appear to be half-human, one side of your face resembling the newest camera phone.

Obviously a toddler or child doesn’t know anything about privacy or consent, and have no concept of what a viral video is, so of course, go ahead and do it!!   Remember when you were a kid, in a room full of your parent’s friends or other family members and they begin to talk about how you barfed at the dentist’s, cried at a hair cut, or ran the wrong way at the t-ball game or something else that may not have been your greatest moment. Good times! Nothing like feeling all eyes on you as your worst day is broadcast to a room full of people. But your the adult now. Times have changed. Why not broadcast it to the entire world?

Example:

Seemingly harmless video of a toddler ‘pooting’

Kinda funny. Little kid doing a funny thing. Not the end of the world, of course. But, the mom in the video spells out exactly what the video can be used for – to embarrass the girl later when she begins dating boys. Hilarious! I’m sure the four year old completely understands how the internet works. Teenagers learn quickly that their parents are on the earth to embarrass them and make their lives miserable. This little girl has fair warning in that regard. I’m sure the Mom will be just as thrilled when the girl perhaps makes her own, ahem,’ video’ her first year in college with her boyfriend.

If you are unsure whether taping your kids for online fame is the right choice try this:  if you have one, let your teenager shoot video of you for a week – in the bathroom, at work, out to dinner, getting dressed, driving, or getting fired from your job. Now allow them to post whatever they capture and describe it without any control on your part about the content. Pretty awesome, huh?

Here’s what Parent is thinking:

Ooh, look at Johnny stick the garden hose down his pants and shoot it at the dog! So funny! Let me record it, upload it and maybe, just maybe it will go viral and EVERYONE on the planet will see Johnny being silly with the garden hose and he’ll be called Garden Hose Boy and then we’ll get invited to the Today Show where Johnny can fuss, crap, or barf on the couch while Meredith Vieira asks ME questions about MY child.

This is another:


The mother feels obligated to record her drugged-up-just-been-to-the-dentist* son for about 8 minutes while still driving the car (making the road safer for us all, of course! For you mini-van drivers, this is Exhibit A why you suck. This lady has no business driving). Sure, maybe the kid later agreed to post it since he’s older and probably understands the internet a little. Perhaps he thought it was hilarious.  Or maybe he posted it himself? I don’t know.  I’m sure in twenty years when he’s going for that job promotion, he’ll be thrilled when this video is passed around, and he’ll be taken more seriously.  “Hey, Johnny, did you marry your sister, yet?!” I have a feeling, though, that this kid and his sister have bigger problems, having to live with this parent whose idea of being a good driver means a dolly shot across the interior of the van.

Parent, you do know your kid is not a pet monkey, right?    I don’t have kids. If I did, I would share their lives with family and friends, of course.  But to a degree that is respectful of the little person that is being raised, especially if it’s a video highlighting an embarrassing moment (which I wouldn’t make in the first place so would not happen). Parents will say you can’t understand unless your parent. That’s the same excuse you hear while they let their kids run around in a store like gremlins.  I would counter that it’s not so much about being a parent as it is being a person using another person for your own thrill have having an online presence.  Even if your kid can play the drums like a maniac or sing like an angel, ask yourself why you are posting the video and what do you really expect from it.  Do you get depressed when only 152 people view your video and someone else’s gets a million hits? Do you feel like a loser, then? Well, you might be. I hope that knowing this allows you to move on in life. Perhaps have another kid who is more camera-friendly or more embarrassing. There’s nothing worse than having an average looking kid doing not-so-embarrassing things – am I right or what?

After writing this, I did a google search and found a similar mindset at TheStir, more about the Charlie Bit My Finger family. So, I’m not the only who is bothered by this. There’s no stopping these types of videos, of course.  Kids will say and do the darnedest things, and God forbid it happens without the whole world seeing.

*I’m amazed that dentists and medical professionals allow individuals to video record their patients, young or old, for entertainment value (ie, taping someone who’s just had a dose of laughing gas, etc). Is this legal? Even if it is, as the parent or guardian filled with excellent judgment, please don’t be too disappointed if your kid doesn’t perform well for you. There’s always next time!

Brett Kimberlin – The Jerk Store Called – They Are All Out of You

~ Wiberg

I read only a few blogs, the most important to me is Instapundit, for its wide range of topics and libertarian bent. The other day, Instapundit’s Glenn Reynolds linked to this growing saga of one Brett Kimberlin.  Kimberlin is an ex-con loser who is hell bent on making life miserable for anyone who writes about him and his stupid charity. Friday May 25th is  a ” everybody blog about Brett Kimberlin” day, just to rile him up and to make him aware that individuals such as Kimberlin don’t get to call the shots on freedom of speech.

The backstory and more are here where blogger Stacy McCain battles Kimberlin.  I don’t know all the details but the takeaway is that Kimberlin is a big time douche and anyone or any organization that works in partnership with him is disgusting. Pass it on. And  no surprise that his charity receives funds from idiots like Barbara Streisand. Just typing her name bugs me.

this lovely studio photo of Kimberlin is way old. just picture an older, jerkier Kimberlin.

Bill Clinton and Porn Stars – “I’m Here to Fix your Cable”

~ Wiberg

Nobody is that surprised by Bill Clinton taking a photo with two lovely ladies of the adult film industry who just happened to be same party in Monaco. What are the odds? But according to TMZ, the ex-Prez asked to meet the two. That is totally surprising! By that I mean surprising that he asked to be introduced BEFORE mauling them with his potus hands and dick. It seems he’s learning manners.

By the way, “TMZ” stands for Thirty Mile Zone so I’m not sure why they are breaking their guidelines to carry this story – I hope this is brought up at the next editorial board meeting.

“one at a time, ladies”

The gals reportedly (not) said they would have stepped closer to him but were afraid to catch whatever std might be had by the Prez, famous for his Oval Office speed dating.

My official jokes that are probably are out there:

1. Bill said “did somebody order a pizza” and then proceeded to bite his lower lip while unbuttoning his jacket.

2. Bill’s cardiologist saw this image and said “ahh, man, I hope he survives”

3.  Bill said “Blue Dress!”

4. Bill went back to his hotel room and ordered porn (but not on the tv).

What’s most telling about the photo above is that we cannot see if he’s wearing his pants. I’m guessing he isn’t. It’s that kind of a party.

Advice for Checkwriters in line at the store (a topic that always needs rehashing)

~ Wiberg

This post is intended for the family and friends of people who still write checks for their purchases at the grocery store. I assume that anyone who is still writing checks at a store also have not heard of the internet. So, pass this on. Print it out, and put it up on the fridge of the checkwriting fools.

I like George Bush, but if he took forever to write a check I would give him the evil eye. Although that would never happen because Barbara does all the shopping.

There is no law prohibiting a customer in line at a store from filling out their check payment slip with as much possible information readily available to them. You know – the DATE and the name of the STORE.

The other day I was in line at a grocery store and in front of me was an OLD lady. That’s right – ‘OLD lady.’ I said it.  They exist and I don’t mind mentioning that someone is OLD, and that BEING OLD is partly responsible for POOR CHECK WRITING MANNERS.  How many young people do you see hold their checkbook throughout their entire wait in line, only to begin filling out the check once everything is rung up and the total is provided.

The OLD lady at the store, the one in front of me, seemed nice enough. It was a Saturday. As we all know, people over 90 are quite busy during the week – Saturday is their time to catch up on shit they didn’t get done, I guess. I’m in line, waiting for the clerk to process the coupons for the OLD lady, and answer her questions about God knows what. Only when the total is given did the OLD lady set her check book down and begin writing.  Maybe she needed the little narrow table to write out the bank I.O.U. I don’t know. But I do know this: OLD ladies purposely take FOREVER to fill out a check while in public. These are the same jokers who can play along with Wheel of Fortune and who can whip up dinners for 12 in no time flat. They know what they’re doing. Whatever happens at age 80, some sort of perverse thrill is had by OLD people in taking their sweet time completing certain tasks. Driving among them.  Writing a check at a pace slower than a snail is one of those small pleasures for them.  They love it. As an OLD, they know their time is limited and that everyone else is in a hurry. Damn them, they say, I’ll take control of this show and slow IT ALL DOWN!!  And they do. Like when your anti-virus software turns on to UPDATE and your computer slows to a crawl.

The OLD lady completed her check in just under 3 minutes.  There are only 4 lines on a check (Date, Payee, Amount, Signature; five if you count the Memo field, which perhaps is the problem. At least she had a ballpoint pen and not a pen and ink jar circa 1779. When she asked the clerk what the date was for that day, I rolled my eyes a million times, hoping the security cameras would catch my impatience and call a CODE RED, all cashiers to the front ALARM. They did not.  OLD lady, I thought, you could have filled in the DATE this morning. You left the house with a mission: get your hair done and go to the store. The date was probably on your countertop in BIG LETTERS!  You probably read the DATE on the newspaper masthead at 5:30 am in the morning. You get up SUPER EARLY so you should know the DATE since you’ve been up longer than any of us!!

Finally, the OLD lady finished her check and left – I wished everyone around me a Happy Birthday because I was sure that while in line someone had turned a new age.  I suspect that by the time I arrived home ten minutes, she was just pulling out of the store’s parking lot.

OLD and YOUNG People LISTEN: you have every right to write a check for your purchase. But please, please, please – while standing in line, feel free to fill out the DATE, STORE, SIGNATURE – do it for no other reason than that it is in the Patriot Act.

Obama’s Celebrity Fundraiser Dinner – $40K a plate, Travolta Massage for $500 more.

~ Wiberg

Obama is having dinner tonight with celebrities. I’ve heard they brought in extra bathrooms to allow some of the actresses a place to barf up what they eat.  My other ‘joke’ is that it is $40k a plate, but for an extra $500 John Travolta will give you a handjob behind the garage.

Travolta likes massages. And jets. But probably he likes massages more.

I have no problem with a fundraiser dinners. Not sure why there aren’t more fundraising breakfasts – sure would be a hell of a lot cheaper! “Everybody got their cereal bowl? Good. Frosted Flakes or Raisin Bran? Please make that check out to “Me for President”

I hear Romney will have a Republican celebrity dinner soon – table for 4, please! Running for president costs a ton of money. Especially if you can’t keep your dick in your pants and have to pay off your batshit crazy mistress. John Edwards, that was for you – I know you are reading my blog from your hillbilly mansion.  Probably on a iPad so you can Facetime  yourself while reading.

If celebrities like George Clooney were really smart, they would videotape this dinner and netflix/dvd that shit out of it. I’d watch it. I’d want to see what it’s like to eat dinner with the President of the United States. Does he get all Carls Jr. about dinner and not talk until he’s done or does he talk with his mouth full. Does he say “pass the salt?” or just “hey, salt me!”  Does he stand up when a lady leaves the room (wait, this is Hollywood – no ladies present, right?). Do they toast each other and if so, do they have music playing the background to tell them to ‘wrap it up’? Does George Clooney leave the television powered on, but muted, so he can see how the Lakers are doing? Does he wheel the tv over to the table or keep excusing himself to check the score. Or does he keep checking his phone?

I wonder how many assholes at this dinner will be playing with their phones (texting, word with friends, facebook). I mean, you’re at a dinner with the president – your phone can wait! (unless your Toby Maguire -it can’t wait. The dude’s done pretty well but when’s the last time you’ve seen a Toby Maguire movie? He needs to keep his phone at the ready).

Do they serve dessert? Is there gonna be some jerkwad who’s allergic to everything?  Or a vegan? Now’s not the time to start your caveman diet, Ironman! And how does that work after dinner. Does George Clooney stand up and say ‘you three tables, leave. You can go now.’   Do you get autographs at an event like this and if so, do you have to carry around a 8 x 10 of George Clooney the whole night or do they have a table where you can set this shit down and pick up later?  If I was at the dinner, I would lose the butter and salt on my table and then go around to the other, more celebrity-heavy tables and ask to borrow. “Hi, George. Can you pass the butter tray. Thanks. I’ll bring it right back.”   But I wouldn’t. Instead, I’d scrape all that butter onto my plate and steal the tray because you know that stuff has gotta be monogrammed GC. Ebay bound.

Elizabeth Warren – Dances with Fools

~ Wiberg

Hey Hollywood, here’s an idea: Dances with Fools, a film detailing the extraordinary life of famed Native American, professor and Senate candidate, Elizabeth Warren.

She is 1/32 Cherokee, all of it easily spotted in her grandfathers high cheekbones. She is also a multimillionaire, part of the 1% she is so against. So do the math: the Cherokee part of her is part of the 99%.

What’s amusing is that this minor dust-up serves to remind her blue collar Dems that she has nothing in common with them – whether it’s being an ivory-tower Harvard prof, or Chief Crazy Horse of the Occupy Tribe.

Other campaign ideas she should avoid:

Red vs. Brown.

Warren Peace Pipe (get it? War and peace AND ‘peace pipe’)

—–

Note – the author of this post agrees its not that funny or clever but it is the first post being done from a tablet – a test, only a test.