so Obama takes the stage and says to the 80,000 people in attendence: “Build me an army, worthy of Mordor….” then he’s all ‘gotchya!’ and goes into how he wants to save the world, when we all know that if he just saves the cheerleader, he can do that. And he goes through his list of things to get done – his “Honey Do” list, as it were, only it’s more than fixing the goddamn sink or mowing that dead patch of weeds you call a yard. No, he’s got world peace, the economy and the big digital television changeover in February to worry about.
He tells the world he knows how to handle terrorists because he has read half of Tom Clancy’s Clear and Present Danger back when he was a community leader leading the community to lead others in the community. He will personally go after Osama Bin Laden like a crazy ex and, in an obvious gesture to middle America (NASCAR) fans, he ends the speech – “America, if you ain’t first, you are last!!! Everybody applauds and yells “Shake and Bake, Obama!” and he’s all “yeah, yeah, you know it.”

And then he looks into the camera and he addresses all the bad guys in the world and he says “bad guys, you better watch out, because there is a new sheriff in town. A black sheriff. And if you saw Blazing Saddles, you know you are in for a world of pain. You can pee on our rug, but you can expect a response!”

Finally, he tells John McCain – he says “John, if you’re still awake, hear me good, old man, you better just stay home and watch Wheel of Fortune and put a reverse mortgage on your seven homes and live comfortably, because I am gonna win this election, so help me God. And by God, I mean the dude in the Holy Bible, and not anywhere else like, say, Islam, which I have never even friggin’ heard of until I ran for President. True that. Oh, it’s a religion, you say? Well, I’m sorry, I’m a Christian, in case you didn’t know. Peace out!”