humor

Joe Biden: Why Can’t I Be Smeared!

~ Wiberg ~ 3 Comments

Late Friday night, Delaware-not-Pennsylvania Senator and vice-presidential candidate Joe Biden complained to the press that absolutely nobody was investigating him. He admitted he was extremely disappointed that the McCain campaign had yet to send a team of lawyers to his home state to research his activities.

I wont be ignored. Senator Joe Biden wants his time in the spotlight to make a gaffe.
"I won't be ignored." Senator Joe Biden wants his time in the spotlight to make a gaffe.

“I have skeletons in my closet, people. I have a high IQ, so my skeletons are very smart. The closet is unlocked, too. Please, pick up the phone, find something out about me. I’m a baaad guy.”

Despite hundreds of hours of media spent on the Republican vice-presidential canddiate, Sarah Palin, Barack Obama’s choice has barely registered with the American voter.

“Give me time, and I promise, I will make a gaffe or say something so inappropriate that you’ll wonder why I’m not in prison. I’m a gaffe-making-machine – just turn me on!”

Biden said if needed, he would buy air time to reveal some of his awful decisions made while a U.S. Senator for over 30 years.

“I will pay to be smeared. That’s how serious I am about winning the vice-presidency.

“I’ve been here forever, and believe me, in what little I’ve done, there are plenty of scratch-your-head moments. Did you know I voted for the United States to bomb Canada during the Stanley Cup finals? I did. I’m a total f*ck up. Just look into it, for Chrissakes!”

Barack Obama couldn’t be reached for comment, according to his advisors. “He’s too busy emailing his suporters. Something John McCAin cannot do.”

Sarah Palin: I thought Bush Doctrine Referred to my Lady Parts choices

~ Wiberg ~ 1 Comment

In a brief interview Good Housekeeping Magazine this evening, vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin admitted that when ABC’s Charlie Gibson asked her about the Bush Doctrine, she was a little shocked.

Sarah Palin, just one of many Alaskan Governors trying to mettle in American political affairs
Sarah Palin later clarified to Good Housekeeping her opinion on the "Bush" Doctrine.

“Honestly, I thought he was asking a very personal question, if you know what I mean. What I do down there, around my lady parts, is nobody’s business. It’s for me or my husband to know.”

When pressed about her personal grooming habits, Sarah offered a hint. “Let me just remind you – it gets cold in Alaska, and I like to keep all my body warm with what God gave me. That’s all I’m saying.”

Bush has become an important topic this campaign season
Bush has become an important topic this campaign season

Others on the campaign have yet to be asked about the Bush Doctrine. Hillary? Michelle Obama?

Barack Obama: John McCain Can’t Send Email…McCain: I can IM like a mutha

~ Wiberg ~ 5 Comments

Today, Barack Obama’s campaign unveiled an ad pointing out the fact that John McCain does not use email. OMG!

(Nevermind that John McCain cannot use a keyboard due to the injuries suffered as POW. Oops! I’ll leave that to the other sites to dissect)

Anyway, later the John McCain campaign, in response to the ad, released transcripts demonstrating that John McCain wasn’t big on email, but loved to IM.

Here, for example, was Senator McCain’s IM log from late 1999, to wife Cindy McCain:

McCain2000Prez4sure: yo, C, what’s up?

AZGirl54: not much. just chillin’. getting my eBay fix.

McCain200Prez4sure: Sweet. Hey, have U talked 2 the kidz?

AZGirl54: oh, wait. BRB.

McCain200Prez4sure: OK.

AZGirl54: I’m back. I talked 2 kids y-day.

McCain200Prez4sure: R they coming 2 the rally next week?

AZGirl54: Just 1/2 of them.

McCain200Prez4sure: Which 1s?

AZGirl54: Does it matter?

McCain200Prez4sure: No. LOL.

AZGirl54: LOL. Ooh. I just won some dishes. Do we have a PayPal account, yet?

McCain200Prez4sure: We do 🙂

AZGirl54: Gr8.

McCain200Prez4sure: R U going 2 join the St8t Talk Xpress 2moro?

AZGirl54: IDK. I’ll get back 2 U.

McCain200Prez4sure: GGN

AZGirl54: Bye.

John McCain can IM.
John McCain can IM.

Humans to restart the “Matrix” with Large Hadron Collider – 9/10/08

~ Wiberg

In Switzerland, underground scientists will hit the switch on their new-fangled machine that will accelerate particles around a 17 mile tunnel. This thing probably has one big-ass carbon footprint! Oh, and the purpose? To unlock some mysteries that have yet to be figured out, such as: whatever happened to Domino Pizza’s loveable character the Noid? And the how and why of Dane Cook. Also promised with this machine is the resetting of the Matrix, the place where we live in what seems to be a “real” environment. It was all documented in a three part documentary called The Matrix, Matrix Reloaded, and Matrix Revolutions. I recommend you go to your local library and check it out before the Architect gets his act together.

One of the universes biggest mysteries, to be solved by the Large Hadron Collider (in 30 minutes or less, of course)
One of the universe's biggest mysteries, to be solved by the Large Hadron Collider (in 30 minutes or less, of course)

Some people warn that the Large Hadron Collider could cause irreversible damage, like forming a little tiny, Chihuahua-size black hole that could possibly grow and grow and suck up the whole big planet Earth. I call these alarmists “optimists.” How friggin’ cool would that be? To be part of Generation Black Hole – the Last Thrill Ride! It’s something you can tell your grandkids about, if you weren’t all squishy and plasmatic nothingness floating through space.

Joe Biden: I love Me Some Pig – don’t listen to the other guy

~ Wiberg

Today Joe Biden condemned his fellow Senator’s remarks, referring to Sarah Palin as a pig with lipstick.

“Let’s just get one thing clear. I love pigs. With or without lipstick. Barack doesn’t and I don’t know why. He’s weird, okay.”

I cant believe Im on this ticket
Joe hearts Pigs

BONUS MATERIAL: Predictable, extremist commentary: You know who else doesn’t like pigs? Muslims! Oh MY GOD! That’s proof that Barack is a muslim!!!!!! He doesn’t like pigs, aka Pork!!!!! I am totally forwarding this to my friends.

Mitch Hedberg – NEW ALBUM! September 9, 2008 – Do You Believe In Gosh?

~ Wiberg ~ 1 Comment

UPDATE: My first impressions of the album here.

Earlier: I’m gonna take a break from my idiotic posts to make anyone aware that the late comedian Mitch Hedberg has a new comedy album coming out on September 9, 2008. I just discovered this and so I thought I’d share.

I’m a fan – and I don’t say that often of anything.

UPDATE: I put a few thoughts down about the new album, which I’m listening tonight.