That’s So ‘Ray’ven – Ray Rice, Ray Lewis, lessons learned

Several things to be learned from the Ray Rice gf/wife-beating crime:

1. You gonna beat your wife, do it on an escalator, that way you don’t have to drag her, let the escalator do the work. You probably tired from all that punching, let people-moving technology help you out. But stay to the right so others can get by, please.

2. You gonna comment about Ray Rice, make sure you (Ray Lewis) don’t have a record indicating that you hide evidence in a murder trial. Or, if you have to comment on the Ray Rice thing, don’t say:

“There’s some things you can cover up, and there’s some things you can’t,”

That sounds like something O.J. Simpson would say. Whatever happened to the Juice? Last I heard he was doing time in Nevada for trying to steal his gear (amazingly, his kids appeared to have not inherited his egomania and have stayed out of the limelight).

3. Ray Liotta – where is Ray Liotta and why isn’t he in more films? This guy is creepy-in-a-good-way, funny, dramatic – when Ray is in a movie, he steals it. I would personally mail all of Ray Liotta’s movies to the NFL in hopes they could get on this matter, but they probably wouldn’t watch the tape until much later. Poor Ray Liotta.

If you are named “Ray”, I suggest you go back to the proper “Raymond”. There are plenty of decent Raymonds. Too many thugs apparently are named Ray. Here, then, is the one and only appearance on my site of Famous Raymonds! Here’s some highlights to fit my pre-determined theory that Rays are bad, and Raymonds are good.

Raymond Carver – writer

Raymond Chandler – writer

Raymond Burr – actor (Ironside? ) – how lame it would be if he went by Ray “Ray Burr” Rayber – sounds like “raper”

Mr. Burr ain’t killed nobody ever. I wonder if he ever just wore a t-shirt. Dude was always in suits. He would have loved Men’s Warehouse.

Aaaaaaand that’s it! What a list! Did you get tired reading it? I know I did.  This stuff should be on Buzzfeed or Yahoo “News”. (I don’t recognize the other Raymond’s on the baby names list. I’m sure all those other Raymonds are exceptionally bright and polite people). By the way, yes I did google “famous Rays” and found plenty of good guys but that was after I had written all the above and so I’m gonna ignore other Rays for this post (but a shout out to Ray Romano, Ray Bradbury, Ray Parker Jr., et all for not being major league assholes – too bad you didn’t go by Raymond. It would have made this post more sensible).

Odd thoughts a little related to the above but not really:

Seriously, domestic violence is a problem. So is non-domestic violence. All violence is a problem. Unless you need it to stop someone from doing some evil. But don’t do so much violence upon the evil-doer so as to make you just as evil. Measured violence is the key. Someone steals your iPhone, you steal their’s. You know that old biblical saying: an iPhone for an iPhone? And on the 8th Day, He did Create a Phablet with an Operating system 8.0 and thus said unto the world: Do You Want to Download and Install? Click Here?”

 

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