That’s So ‘Ray’ven – Ray Rice, Ray Lewis, lessons learned

Several things to be learned from the Ray Rice gf/wife-beating crime:

1. You gonna beat your wife, do it on an escalator, that way you don’t have to drag her, let the escalator do the work. You probably tired from all that punching, let people-moving technology help you out. But stay to the right so others can get by, please.

2. You gonna comment about Ray Rice, make sure you (Ray Lewis) don’t have a record indicating that you hide evidence in a murder trial. Or, if you have to comment on the Ray Rice thing, don’t say:

“There’s some things you can cover up, and there’s some things you can’t,”

That sounds like something O.J. Simpson would say. Whatever happened to the Juice? Last I heard he was doing time in Nevada for trying to steal his gear (amazingly, his kids appeared to have not inherited his egomania and have stayed out of the limelight).

3. Ray Liotta – where is Ray Liotta and why isn’t he in more films? This guy is creepy-in-a-good-way, funny, dramatic – when Ray is in a movie, he steals it. I would personally mail all of Ray Liotta’s movies to the NFL in hopes they could get on this matter, but they probably wouldn’t watch the tape until much later. Poor Ray Liotta.

If you are named “Ray”, I suggest you go back to the proper “Raymond”. There are plenty of decent Raymonds. Too many thugs apparently are named Ray. Here, then, is the one and only appearance on my site of Famous Raymonds! Here’s some highlights to fit my pre-determined theory that Rays are bad, and Raymonds are good.

Raymond Carver – writer

Raymond Chandler – writer

Raymond Burr – actor (Ironside? ) – how lame it would be if he went by Ray “Ray Burr” Rayber – sounds like “raper”

Mr. Burr ain’t killed nobody ever. I wonder if he ever just wore a t-shirt. Dude was always in suits. He would have loved Men’s Warehouse.

Aaaaaaand that’s it! What a list! Did you get tired reading it? I know I did.  This stuff should be on Buzzfeed or Yahoo “News”. (I don’t recognize the other Raymond’s on the baby names list. I’m sure all those other Raymonds are exceptionally bright and polite people). By the way, yes I did google “famous Rays” and found plenty of good guys but that was after I had written all the above and so I’m gonna ignore other Rays for this post (but a shout out to Ray Romano, Ray Bradbury, Ray Parker Jr., et all for not being major league assholes – too bad you didn’t go by Raymond. It would have made this post more sensible).

Odd thoughts a little related to the above but not really:

Seriously, domestic violence is a problem. So is non-domestic violence. All violence is a problem. Unless you need it to stop someone from doing some evil. But don’t do so much violence upon the evil-doer so as to make you just as evil. Measured violence is the key. Someone steals your iPhone, you steal their’s. You know that old biblical saying: an iPhone for an iPhone? And on the 8th Day, He did Create a Phablet with an Operating system 8.0 and thus said unto the world: Do You Want to Download and Install? Click Here?”

 

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Holmes v. Cruise v. Scientology v. Who Cares v. ObamaCare v. Blog Bait

If I don’t post about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes getting divorced, who will?

As we all know, on Thursday, the Supreme  Court stuck up for Obama on his ACA (ObamaCare). A day later, Katie Holmes dared to divorce the most popular Scientologist ever. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

Here’s why: Katie Holmes is an unskilled worker. If you have seen any of her movies/television shows, you know this. She flaunts it. So, without a real job skill, she is and was always at risk of falling below the poverty level, living a hellish life without proper medical coverage. So, five years ago, this untalented hottie does what she needs to do – marries the first dude who asks her, and whammo! she has health insurance as a married woman to the hottest dyslexic ever born  – Mr. Tom Cruise, High Priest of the Church of Scientology and Movie Star.

This college drop-out can now leave her husband, confident that healthcare as a single, unskilled parent can be obtained cheaply with the federal government’s help.

She has sexy sex with the Movie Star, has a kid, but still finds no time to learn an employable trade. Instead, she relies on her marriage to keep her secure, to keep her health coverage. I bet they were in a PPO plan, spending her free time pushing a stroller around.

Finally, along comes ObamaCare. Katie sees a light at the end of the tunnel. That light tells her she can leave her husband, and not even work, and still possibly be covered! Praise the Lord!

Katie follows the court cases surrounding ObamaCare, understanding very little of course, but knowing very well that the law is not settled and won’t be until the Supremes review the case. She is not sure why a R&B group is involved, but she waits.

Then, last Thursday, Chief Justice John Roberts is all “ObamaCare is Here to Stay Forever, Americans, so Get Used To It!  Unless Politicians Repeal It Later!” And Katie Holmes doesn’t hear the second part and so is like “Thank Xenu, Obama and Roberts, I’m outta here. And I’m taking my baby! I can get affordable healthcare without being married to this weirdo!”

So, if you want to blame Obama for ruining the country go ahead. But know this – he also ruined the Holmes/Cruise marriage by insisting on healthcare for all, even unskilled workers like Holmes and her stupidly named space baby, Suri.    Will Election 2012 kill ObamaCare and lead Holmes running back to Cruise?Maybe – if TMZ has anything to say about it.  If it’s repealed, look for Holmes to marry soon – to anyone, solidifying her status as a benefits whore.

Ronan Farrow Is Sooooooooo Smart

You might have seen this story about Woody Allen/Mia Farrow bio-kid Ronan Farrow tweeting a severe diss to his Allen:

Oy vey!

Maybe well deserved. For many, Woody Allen is straight-up creepy and unfunny. For others, he is just straight up creepy and funny. And for some, he is not creepy, but still funny.

I’d say Ronan has every right to tweet, given the basics of his family history (ronans’ dad left his mom to begin a new relationship with ronan’s adopted sister – mom and and were never married but still, weird. throw in child abuse accusations for more drama).  Anyway, Twitter is where it’s at. That’s what smart people do – tweet (#getafuckinglife). Every mention of Ronan says how smart he is and he obviously is – he started college at age 11, and, later, was a Rhodes Scholar (#dork) and now does a bunch of important stuff with the government (speechifying and global community organizin’) – we all know when you want to make a difference, working through the State Department is the way to go (#circlejerk). Just ask Syria!  Although, if he was so smart, he would have invented Facebook.

Back to the tweet and what it reveals to anyone with a pulse:

1. He’s mad at Daddy. Not because he remembers being hurt by Daddy, but also because he has been raised by his Mommy/Mia Farrow (aka Mother Earth) to hate him.  Nothing new here. Eventually one might get tired of a parent telling you what to think (or you get upset realizing that you’ve been programmed – right or wrong, it’s still annoying). Plenty of people are raised by a single parent who hates their ex because they ran off when one of the kids. I read about it all the time on Slate’s Dear Prudence. Of course, most single parents don’talso adopt a kid every week, which goes to point 2.

2. He is probably increasingly more aware that his mom is a little crazy and so that just makes his situation more frustrating, raising the anger level.  The most likely reason he went to college early was to get away (#bitchbecrazy)!  Mia makes Brangelina look childless, she adopts so many kids.  Like Woody Allen, Mia Farrow is apparently a homewrecker, having started an affair with a married man, Andre Previn, a fancy-pants musician. Farrow got pregnant (#devilspawn), and Andre left his wife for her. Something the media doesn’t talk about.  So, if you’re Ronan, and you’ve read Wikipedia, you’re thinking, ‘shit, my dad’s a creep, and my mom is an angry little hypocrite. FML!”

3. Posting on Twitter means he KNOWS it will reach Woody Allen (#passiveaggressive).  In a weird way, he is communicating with his dad and nobody else. He has not heard of email, I guess. Not really knowing anything about their whole family drama, I wonder how much communication they have or had years ago after visitations ended (#miniseriesplease!).  Of course, the tweet is  a joke his own dad would have written years ago.

3. Ronan Farrow is about 25 years old. Why now with the Twitter?  Maybe he’s new to Twitter so he’s catching up on all his witty one-liners’ about his old man (#woodyismypops). If he was soooo smart, he would save all this shit for a tell-all book, called Dreams of My Father 2: Payback’s a Bitch Named Soon Yi!  (btw, does Ronan talk to Soon Yi? Uh, probably not). But alas, Ronan has been appointed by the Obama Administration to assist in issues related to the youth and so what does that leave any government official, but loads of time to tweet and work out their personal issues online, 140 characters at a time. When Government Officials tweeet, what could go wrong (#anthonyweinersweiner).

Who knows what Ronan was thinking. I think if my Mom changed my name to ‘Ronan’ I would be pissed about it forever. And if I was a boy genius who grew up to be a BORING fucking diplomat, I’d probably start spending time on Twitter, also. Exhibit A: Ronan firing up the U.N. about youth issues.


That’s right kids – this guy’s fighting for you! All Together Now: “Let’s Go – Children! Let’s Go -Children!”

Good luck, Ronan!  (#unfocusedblogpost)

Richard Dawson – Family Feud Host, wasn’t already dead, but now is.

I am awful. I thought Richard Dawson had already passed on. But today, it was reported he died.  There are a bunch of old actors and actresses who will surprise me later when they die, because I already thought they had.

But here, for Dawson, I won’t do a Survey Says! joke.

A rundown of his life here at wikipedia.

Several things I didn’t realize about Richard Dawson – that he was born in England. That he insisted on kissing all the female contestants as a point to those conservative television stations that objected to kissing between different races (Petula Clark kissed Nat King Cole on tv and a bunch of people had a fit;  that apparently stuck with Dawson). That he later married a contestant from Family Feud.

I can’t think of a more entertaining game show host who was so quick-witted and cool. All the game show hosts from the 70s seemed to be about the most enjoyable group of guys ever on tv, like they just stepped over from a restaurant or bar to spend a few minutes playing a game. If it was work, they didn’t make it seem so. Richard Dawson was the boss.

However, here’s a little blooper clip from the Feud that’s pretty funny, showing how one answer can derail the man:

The best games shows have a great host and a great game that allow regular people who don’t win to still have fun.

More funny:

Stop Posting Your Kids on the Internet – A Rant!

Hi Parent,

Your kid is cute and clever and can sing and dance and act and be funny and get mad and stoned and all sorts of things. But remember this: you are not legally required to video it and post it online.  It is perfectly acceptable to record a video or single image of your incredibly bright and/or goofy kid and share with only friends and family.  You know, you could learn to burn a DVD or save it on your computer. You could even watch said event without recording it and then relay it by storytelling!! Try remembering one moment in your kids life without your phone plastered to your face, without worrying how many Comments or Likes your project is going get, and planning your trip to the Ellen Show that might occur if the video takes off. Does your kid even know what you look like? I bet if they drew you a picture of you, you’d appear to be half-human, one side of your face resembling the newest camera phone.

Obviously a toddler or child doesn’t know anything about privacy or consent, and have no concept of what a viral video is, so of course, go ahead and do it!!   Remember when you were a kid, in a room full of your parent’s friends or other family members and they begin to talk about how you barfed at the dentist’s, cried at a hair cut, or ran the wrong way at the t-ball game or something else that may not have been your greatest moment. Good times! Nothing like feeling all eyes on you as your worst day is broadcast to a room full of people. But your the adult now. Times have changed. Why not broadcast it to the entire world?

Example:

Seemingly harmless video of a toddler ‘pooting’

Kinda funny. Little kid doing a funny thing. Not the end of the world, of course. But, the mom in the video spells out exactly what the video can be used for – to embarrass the girl later when she begins dating boys. Hilarious! I’m sure the four year old completely understands how the internet works. Teenagers learn quickly that their parents are on the earth to embarrass them and make their lives miserable. This little girl has fair warning in that regard. I’m sure the Mom will be just as thrilled when the girl perhaps makes her own, ahem,’ video’ her first year in college with her boyfriend.

If you are unsure whether taping your kids for online fame is the right choice try this:  if you have one, let your teenager shoot video of you for a week – in the bathroom, at work, out to dinner, getting dressed, driving, or getting fired from your job. Now allow them to post whatever they capture and describe it without any control on your part about the content. Pretty awesome, huh?

Here’s what Parent is thinking:

Ooh, look at Johnny stick the garden hose down his pants and shoot it at the dog! So funny! Let me record it, upload it and maybe, just maybe it will go viral and EVERYONE on the planet will see Johnny being silly with the garden hose and he’ll be called Garden Hose Boy and then we’ll get invited to the Today Show where Johnny can fuss, crap, or barf on the couch while Meredith Vieira asks ME questions about MY child.

This is another:


The mother feels obligated to record her drugged-up-just-been-to-the-dentist* son for about 8 minutes while still driving the car (making the road safer for us all, of course! For you mini-van drivers, this is Exhibit A why you suck. This lady has no business driving). Sure, maybe the kid later agreed to post it since he’s older and probably understands the internet a little. Perhaps he thought it was hilarious.  Or maybe he posted it himself? I don’t know.  I’m sure in twenty years when he’s going for that job promotion, he’ll be thrilled when this video is passed around, and he’ll be taken more seriously.  “Hey, Johnny, did you marry your sister, yet?!” I have a feeling, though, that this kid and his sister have bigger problems, having to live with this parent whose idea of being a good driver means a dolly shot across the interior of the van.

Parent, you do know your kid is not a pet monkey, right?    I don’t have kids. If I did, I would share their lives with family and friends, of course.  But to a degree that is respectful of the little person that is being raised, especially if it’s a video highlighting an embarrassing moment (which I wouldn’t make in the first place so would not happen). Parents will say you can’t understand unless your parent. That’s the same excuse you hear while they let their kids run around in a store like gremlins.  I would counter that it’s not so much about being a parent as it is being a person using another person for your own thrill have having an online presence.  Even if your kid can play the drums like a maniac or sing like an angel, ask yourself why you are posting the video and what do you really expect from it.  Do you get depressed when only 152 people view your video and someone else’s gets a million hits? Do you feel like a loser, then? Well, you might be. I hope that knowing this allows you to move on in life. Perhaps have another kid who is more camera-friendly or more embarrassing. There’s nothing worse than having an average looking kid doing not-so-embarrassing things – am I right or what?

After writing this, I did a google search and found a similar mindset at TheStir, more about the Charlie Bit My Finger family. So, I’m not the only who is bothered by this. There’s no stopping these types of videos, of course.  Kids will say and do the darnedest things, and God forbid it happens without the whole world seeing.

*I’m amazed that dentists and medical professionals allow individuals to video record their patients, young or old, for entertainment value (ie, taping someone who’s just had a dose of laughing gas, etc). Is this legal? Even if it is, as the parent or guardian filled with excellent judgment, please don’t be too disappointed if your kid doesn’t perform well for you. There’s always next time!

Obama’s Celebrity Fundraiser Dinner – $40K a plate, Travolta Massage for $500 more.

Obama is having dinner tonight with celebrities. I’ve heard they brought in extra bathrooms to allow some of the actresses a place to barf up what they eat.  My other ‘joke’ is that it is $40k a plate, but for an extra $500 John Travolta will give you a handjob behind the garage.

Travolta likes massages. And jets. But probably he likes massages more.

I have no problem with a fundraiser dinners. Not sure why there aren’t more fundraising breakfasts – sure would be a hell of a lot cheaper! “Everybody got their cereal bowl? Good. Frosted Flakes or Raisin Bran? Please make that check out to “Me for President”

I hear Romney will have a Republican celebrity dinner soon – table for 4, please! Running for president costs a ton of money. Especially if you can’t keep your dick in your pants and have to pay off your batshit crazy mistress. John Edwards, that was for you – I know you are reading my blog from your hillbilly mansion.  Probably on a iPad so you can Facetime  yourself while reading.

If celebrities like George Clooney were really smart, they would videotape this dinner and netflix/dvd that shit out of it. I’d watch it. I’d want to see what it’s like to eat dinner with the President of the United States. Does he get all Carls Jr. about dinner and not talk until he’s done or does he talk with his mouth full. Does he say “pass the salt?” or just “hey, salt me!”  Does he stand up when a lady leaves the room (wait, this is Hollywood – no ladies present, right?). Do they toast each other and if so, do they have music playing the background to tell them to ‘wrap it up’? Does George Clooney leave the television powered on, but muted, so he can see how the Lakers are doing? Does he wheel the tv over to the table or keep excusing himself to check the score. Or does he keep checking his phone?

I wonder how many assholes at this dinner will be playing with their phones (texting, word with friends, facebook). I mean, you’re at a dinner with the president – your phone can wait! (unless your Toby Maguire -it can’t wait. The dude’s done pretty well but when’s the last time you’ve seen a Toby Maguire movie? He needs to keep his phone at the ready).

Do they serve dessert? Is there gonna be some jerkwad who’s allergic to everything?  Or a vegan? Now’s not the time to start your caveman diet, Ironman! And how does that work after dinner. Does George Clooney stand up and say ‘you three tables, leave. You can go now.’   Do you get autographs at an event like this and if so, do you have to carry around a 8 x 10 of George Clooney the whole night or do they have a table where you can set this shit down and pick up later?  If I was at the dinner, I would lose the butter and salt on my table and then go around to the other, more celebrity-heavy tables and ask to borrow. “Hi, George. Can you pass the butter tray. Thanks. I’ll bring it right back.”   But I wouldn’t. Instead, I’d scrape all that butter onto my plate and steal the tray because you know that stuff has gotta be monogrammed GC. Ebay bound.

Enough With the never-seen before photographs of Marilyn Monroe phenomenon

Is it me or is it every year there are released ‘never seen photographs’ of Marilyn Monroe?  Let’s just call on every little weird Hollywood insider photographer and set crew members who snapped a pic of MM to release any and all photographs of Marilyn Monroe this year on, say, June 1, 2012, and be DONE WITH IT!  I’m not a fan at all, but even fans of MM have got to be tired of this shit.

oooh, look - another photo of Marilyn Monroe. She looks so very different in this one than the other 5 million photos we've seen!

There is, probably, some old geezer out there with a folder of pictures of MM thinking “oh boy, I have photos nobody has ever seen and one day I will share with the world!”   To him, I say ‘don’t wait, because you won’t be the last!’. Unless, of course, everyone agrees to a Marilyn Monroe Freedom Of Photo Information Act of June 1, 2012 and they release every image ever taken of this person.

This is also an important reminder to never wish that a actor or actress you dislike die an early death because then they will be made into a legend/icon and you will have to look and hear about them for the rest of your life.