Obama’s Celebrity Fundraiser Dinner – $40K a plate, Travolta Massage for $500 more.

Obama is having dinner tonight with celebrities. I’ve heard they brought in extra bathrooms to allow some of the actresses a place to barf up what they eat.  My other ‘joke’ is that it is $40k a plate, but for an extra $500 John Travolta will give you a handjob behind the garage.

Travolta likes massages. And jets. But probably he likes massages more.

I have no problem with a fundraiser dinners. Not sure why there aren’t more fundraising breakfasts – sure would be a hell of a lot cheaper! “Everybody got their cereal bowl? Good. Frosted Flakes or Raisin Bran? Please make that check out to “Me for President”

I hear Romney will have a Republican celebrity dinner soon – table for 4, please! Running for president costs a ton of money. Especially if you can’t keep your dick in your pants and have to pay off your batshit crazy mistress. John Edwards, that was for you – I know you are reading my blog from your hillbilly mansion.  Probably on a iPad so you can Facetime  yourself while reading.

If celebrities like George Clooney were really smart, they would videotape this dinner and netflix/dvd that shit out of it. I’d watch it. I’d want to see what it’s like to eat dinner with the President of the United States. Does he get all Carls Jr. about dinner and not talk until he’s done or does he talk with his mouth full. Does he say “pass the salt?” or just “hey, salt me!”  Does he stand up when a lady leaves the room (wait, this is Hollywood – no ladies present, right?). Do they toast each other and if so, do they have music playing the background to tell them to ‘wrap it up’? Does George Clooney leave the television powered on, but muted, so he can see how the Lakers are doing? Does he wheel the tv over to the table or keep excusing himself to check the score. Or does he keep checking his phone?

I wonder how many assholes at this dinner will be playing with their phones (texting, word with friends, facebook). I mean, you’re at a dinner with the president – your phone can wait! (unless your Toby Maguire -it can’t wait. The dude’s done pretty well but when’s the last time you’ve seen a Toby Maguire movie? He needs to keep his phone at the ready).

Do they serve dessert? Is there gonna be some jerkwad who’s allergic to everything?  Or a vegan? Now’s not the time to start your caveman diet, Ironman! And how does that work after dinner. Does George Clooney stand up and say ‘you three tables, leave. You can go now.’   Do you get autographs at an event like this and if so, do you have to carry around a 8 x 10 of George Clooney the whole night or do they have a table where you can set this shit down and pick up later?  If I was at the dinner, I would lose the butter and salt on my table and then go around to the other, more celebrity-heavy tables and ask to borrow. “Hi, George. Can you pass the butter tray. Thanks. I’ll bring it right back.”   But I wouldn’t. Instead, I’d scrape all that butter onto my plate and steal the tray because you know that stuff has gotta be monogrammed GC. Ebay bound.

Enough With the never-seen before photographs of Marilyn Monroe phenomenon

Is it me or is it every year there are released ‘never seen photographs’ of Marilyn Monroe?  Let’s just call on every little weird Hollywood insider photographer and set crew members who snapped a pic of MM to release any and all photographs of Marilyn Monroe this year on, say, June 1, 2012, and be DONE WITH IT!  I’m not a fan at all, but even fans of MM have got to be tired of this shit.

oooh, look - another photo of Marilyn Monroe. She looks so very different in this one than the other 5 million photos we've seen!

There is, probably, some old geezer out there with a folder of pictures of MM thinking “oh boy, I have photos nobody has ever seen and one day I will share with the world!”   To him, I say ‘don’t wait, because you won’t be the last!’. Unless, of course, everyone agrees to a Marilyn Monroe Freedom Of Photo Information Act of June 1, 2012 and they release every image ever taken of this person.

This is also an important reminder to never wish that a actor or actress you dislike die an early death because then they will be made into a legend/icon and you will have to look and hear about them for the rest of your life.

 

Whitney Houston Funeral DVD On Sale Now!

Hey America, act now and purchase the Official Whitney Houston Funeral DVD, which was aired on every “news” channel the morning of February 18, 2012.  Running time: 4 hours/ Bonus features include:

Audio Commentary by party friends (aka Enablers). Listen as they explain how they let their golden goose party all week long before her death!
 
Trivia! Can you name Whitney Houston’s last recorded song? That’s okay, nobody can! But we’re all such BIG fans.
 
Music videos! These antiquated art pieces showcased popular songs of their day.
 
Crack is Whack – a documentary about celebrities and their super awesome health care provider network. Never before scene footage of below-average physicians working with the world’s most famous (and important) people.
 
An essay by the Reverend Jesse Jackson “Yes, I Will Be At Every Televised Funeral”

On sale now for $29.99 you cheap bastards.

Related: Celebrity Mortality Rates Skyrocket

Unofficial lyrics for You Forgot About Valentine’s Day – Zooey Deschanel on Saturday Night Live

Here’s the (unofficial) lyrics of the song performed by Zoeey Deschanel, You Forgot About Valentine’s Day, on Saturday Night Live (February 11, 2012)

Zooey:

This song’s for all the ladies out there. It’s about the moment where your fella comes throught he door on Valentine’s and you see that look in his eye…you know the one I mean…

It’s February
The day’s 14th
But from the look on your face
You don’t know what that means
Don’t even try it, don’t try to deny it
You forgot it was Valentines’ day
 
You tried to scramble and whip something up
But your balloons say Happy Birthday your card says Mazel tov
There’s no mistaking
Don’t bother faking
You forgot it was Valentine’s Day
 
I bought you a sweater and baked you some cupcakes
And put on some nice lingerie
You gave me your iPod and the cash in your pockets
And a USA Today
(and it wasn’t even from today it was from an old hotel)
 
You said you made plans
But it didn’t seem right
When we went to Olive Garden at 11:15 at night
Your reserveration should be in quotations
You forgot about Valentines day
 
I know I’m angry
But later I’ll be fine
You’re just a moron
But at least your mine
And you can bet I’ll never let you forget
When you forgot about Valentine’s Day.

A few years ago I transcribed another SNL song and that is regularly visited, so we’ll see how many visit this one!

Celebrity Mortality Rate Under Obama Administration Skyrockets!

Quick – can you name one celebrity that died during the G.W. Bush Administration? I didn’t think so. Neither can I. Yet, under the current administration, we have seen the following talent pass away:

Whitney Houston, Etta James, Michael Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor, Teddy Pendergrass, Brittany Murphy, Ron Silver, Natasha Richardson, Bea Arthur, Dom Deluise, David Carradine, Clarence Clemmons, Jackie  Cooper, John Hughes, Leslie Nielsen, Gary Coleman, Patrick Swazye, Farrah Fawcett, Richard Harris, Amy Winehouse, Peter Falk, Jeff Conaway, Harry Morgan, Patrice O’Neal, and Corey Haim, just to name a few. There’s probably hundreds more that we don’t know about.  But I think we’re averaging 1.2 celebrity deaths a day. We are hemorrhaging talent, America. Strangely, the Baldwin brothers are immune to this phenomenon.

Obviously, the Obama policies are stressing out the celebrity population. At this rate, the Academy Awards will be a half-attended affair in 2014 because everyone who acts or sings will be DEAD! So keep that in mind when voting.  Vote for Obama and watch, helplessly, as more celebrities die, or vote for someone else and know that a new album or movie by your favorite star will soon be released.

This message has been approved by the Vote to Elect Romney, Gingrich, Santorum, Paul, Barr, Nader campaign organizations. 2012.