Mayor Bloomberg and staff sit around a table drinking water and eating carrots.
STAFF #1
Mayor, this ice cubes ban in soda is an excellent idea. How does someone so short and so quirky get such great ideas?
BLOOMBERG
I don’t know. But lose the Ranch dressing. We eat carrots in this office without Ranch.
STAFF #1
Of course. I don’t know what I was thinking.
BLOOMBERG
Who lowered my chair again? I can’t get my elbows on the table. (beat) So, the ice cube in soda ban has been in effect for five days. As I stated months ago, large soda is a problem. So is cold soda. It tastes too good. Remove ice from the equation and people will make healthier choices. Any news on how New Yorkers are coping? I know they’ll be upset but they’ll get over it. We’re doing them a favor!
STAFF (all)
Here here!
SCENE 2: NY Movie Theater, snack bar.
MOVIEGOER
I’d like to get a large butter popcorn, a box of Whoppers and a large Coke.
WORKER:
Okay. Just so you know, the large size is now 16 oz. We’re not allowed to sell a 32 oz soda, unless it’s diet.
MOVIEGOER
I forgot where I was. I’m from Jersey. (beat) Can I get extra butter on that popcorn?
WORKER
Sure. So, yeah, the old large size was 32 oz. The new large size is 16 oz. But if you order 2 large sodas, we’ve priced it at the same price as the old large.
MOVIEGOER:
I’ll get two of the new large sodas.
WORKER
Also, they are ‘no ice.’ That’s also banned. No ice in sodas. Unless it’s diet. The Mayor knows soda tastes better cold. Only people who drink diet soda get ice.
MOVIEGOER
Did I mention I’m from Jersey so I’m about to lay down a bunch of curse words. But I won’t. Instead, I see the light – I’ll get a V8 drink, and cancel the popcorn and candy. In fact, I think I’m going to go jogging instead of watching this movie.
SCENE 4: Landfill; daytime
GARBAGEMAN
What is the deal with all these 16 oz cups, now? They are everywhere!
SCENE 5: Mayor’s office, months later.
STAFF #1
Mayor Bloomberg, the results are in. Everyone in NYC is incredibly healthy. Soda consumption is down 73%. You’ve battled salt, trans-fat, large and cold soda, and smoking. What’s next?
BLOOMBERG
Large televisions and long movies. It is not healthy to sit and watch a two and a half hour movie on a large screen. Also, morning talk shows – no need to be so long with all those teaser bits about what’s coming up – it encourages people to watch too much tv. Same goes for mini-series and crime shows that don’t solve anything in the first hour – banned. Maybe we’ll put timers in televisions so they turn off after 3 hours…
Today, actress Ashley Judd won the Indy 500. Or maybe her husband Dario Franchitti did. It was hard to tell by how much camera time she got. I don’t watch racing but does the racetrack announcer usually congratulate the wife while she runs around the pit?
This photo taken in 2010 shows Indy 500 winner Ashley Judd taking a victory lap, thanking her fans. Her vow to win at least three Indy races before returning to her film career was fulfilled May 27, 2012 as her surrogate driver Dario Franchitti beat out all other drivers.
Your kid is cute and clever and can sing and dance and act and be funny and get mad and stoned and all sorts of things. But remember this: you are not legally required to video it and post it online. It is perfectly acceptable to record a video or single image of your incredibly bright and/or goofy kid and share with only friends and family. You know, you could learn to burn a DVD or save it on your computer. You could even watch said event without recording it and then relay it by storytelling!! Try remembering one moment in your kids life without your phone plastered to your face, without worrying how many Comments or Likes your project is going get, and planning your trip to the Ellen Show that might occur if the video takes off. Does your kid even know what you look like? I bet if they drew you a picture of you, you’d appear to be half-human, one side of your face resembling the newest camera phone.
Obviously a toddler or child doesn’t know anything about privacy or consent, and have no concept of what a viral video is, so of course, go ahead and do it!! Remember when you were a kid, in a room full of your parent’s friends or other family members and they begin to talk about how you barfed at the dentist’s, cried at a hair cut, or ran the wrong way at the t-ball game or something else that may not have been your greatest moment. Good times! Nothing like feeling all eyes on you as your worst day is broadcast to a room full of people. But your the adult now. Times have changed. Why not broadcast it to the entire world?
Example:
Seemingly harmless video of a toddler ‘pooting’
Kinda funny. Little kid doing a funny thing. Not the end of the world, of course. But, the mom in the video spells out exactly what the video can be used for – to embarrass the girl later when she begins dating boys. Hilarious! I’m sure the four year old completely understands how the internet works. Teenagers learn quickly that their parents are on the earth to embarrass them and make their lives miserable. This little girl has fair warning in that regard. I’m sure the Mom will be just as thrilled when the girl perhaps makes her own, ahem,’ video’ her first year in college with her boyfriend.
If you are unsure whether taping your kids for online fame is the right choice try this: if you have one, let your teenager shoot video of you for a week – in the bathroom, at work, out to dinner, getting dressed, driving, or getting fired from your job. Now allow them to post whatever they capture and describe it without any control on your part about the content. Pretty awesome, huh?
Here’s what Parent is thinking:
Ooh, look at Johnny stick the garden hose down his pants and shoot it at the dog! So funny! Let me record it, upload it and maybe, just maybe it will go viral and EVERYONE on the planet will see Johnny being silly with the garden hose and he’ll be called Garden Hose Boy and then we’ll get invited to the Today Show where Johnny can fuss, crap, or barf on the couch while Meredith Vieira asks ME questions about MY child.
This is another:
The mother feels obligated to record her drugged-up-just-been-to-the-dentist* son for about 8 minutes while still driving the car (making the road safer for us all, of course! For you mini-van drivers, this is Exhibit A why you suck. This lady has no business driving). Sure, maybe the kid later agreed to post it since he’s older and probably understands the internet a little. Perhaps he thought it was hilarious. Or maybe he posted it himself? I don’t know. I’m sure in twenty years when he’s going for that job promotion, he’ll be thrilled when this video is passed around, and he’ll be taken more seriously. “Hey, Johnny, did you marry your sister, yet?!” I have a feeling, though, that this kid and his sister have bigger problems, having to live with this parent whose idea of being a good driver means a dolly shot across the interior of the van.
Parent, you do know your kid is not a pet monkey, right? I don’t have kids. If I did, I would share their lives with family and friends, of course. But to a degree that is respectful of the little person that is being raised, especially if it’s a video highlighting an embarrassing moment (which I wouldn’t make in the first place so would not happen). Parents will say you can’t understand unless your parent. That’s the same excuse you hear while they let their kids run around in a store like gremlins. I would counter that it’s not so much about being a parent as it is being a person using another person for your own thrill have having an online presence. Even if your kid can play the drums like a maniac or sing like an angel, ask yourself why you are posting the video and what do you really expect from it. Do you get depressed when only 152 people view your video and someone else’s gets a million hits? Do you feel like a loser, then? Well, you might be. I hope that knowing this allows you to move on in life. Perhaps have another kid who is more camera-friendly or more embarrassing. There’s nothing worse than having an average looking kid doing not-so-embarrassing things – am I right or what?
After writing this, I did a google search and found a similar mindset at TheStir, more about the Charlie Bit My Finger family. So, I’m not the only who is bothered by this. There’s no stopping these types of videos, of course. Kids will say and do the darnedest things, and God forbid it happens without the whole world seeing.
*I’m amazed that dentists and medical professionals allow individuals to video record their patients, young or old, for entertainment value (ie, taping someone who’s just had a dose of laughing gas, etc). Is this legal? Even if it is, as the parent or guardian filled with excellent judgment, please don’t be too disappointed if your kid doesn’t perform well for you. There’s always next time!
I read only a few blogs, the most important to me is Instapundit, for its wide range of topics and libertarian bent. The other day, Instapundit’s Glenn Reynolds linked to this growing saga of one Brett Kimberlin. Kimberlin is an ex-con loser who is hell bent on making life miserable for anyone who writes about him and his stupid charity. Friday May 25th is a ” everybody blog about Brett Kimberlin” day, just to rile him up and to make him aware that individuals such as Kimberlin don’t get to call the shots on freedom of speech.
The backstory and more are here where blogger Stacy McCain battles Kimberlin. I don’t know all the details but the takeaway is that Kimberlin is a big time douche and anyone or any organization that works in partnership with him is disgusting. Pass it on. And no surprise that his charity receives funds from idiots like Barbara Streisand. Just typing her name bugs me.
this lovely studio photo of Kimberlin is way old. just picture an older, jerkier Kimberlin.
Nobody is that surprised by Bill Clinton taking a photo with two lovely ladies of the adult film industry who just happened to be same party in Monaco. What are the odds? But according to TMZ, the ex-Prez asked to meet the two. That is totally surprising! By that I mean surprising that he asked to be introduced BEFORE mauling them with his potus hands and dick. It seems he’s learning manners.
By the way, “TMZ” stands for Thirty Mile Zone so I’m not sure why they are breaking their guidelines to carry this story – I hope this is brought up at the next editorial board meeting.
“one at a time, ladies”
The gals reportedly (not) said they would have stepped closer to him but were afraid to catch whatever std might be had by the Prez, famous for his Oval Office speed dating.
My official jokes that are probably are out there:
1. Bill said “did somebody order a pizza” and then proceeded to bite his lower lip while unbuttoning his jacket.
2. Bill’s cardiologist saw this image and said “ahh, man, I hope he survives”
3. Bill said “Blue Dress!”
4. Bill went back to his hotel room and ordered porn (but not on the tv).
What’s most telling about the photo above is that we cannot see if he’s wearing his pants. I’m guessing he isn’t. It’s that kind of a party.
This post is intended for the family and friends of people who still write checks for their purchases at the grocery store. I assume that anyone who is still writing checks at a store also have not heard of the internet. So, pass this on. Print it out, and put it up on the fridge of the checkwriting fools.
I like George Bush, but if he took forever to write a check I would give him the evil eye. Although that would never happen because Barbara does all the shopping.
There is no law prohibiting a customer in line at a store from filling out their check payment slip with as much possible information readily available to them. You know – the DATE and the name of the STORE.
The other day I was in line at a grocery store and in front of me was an OLD lady. That’s right – ‘OLD lady.’ I said it. They exist and I don’t mind mentioning that someone is OLD, and that BEING OLD is partly responsible for POOR CHECK WRITING MANNERS. How many young people do you see hold their checkbook throughout their entire wait in line, only to begin filling out the check once everything is rung up and the total is provided.
The OLD lady at the store, the one in front of me, seemed nice enough. It was a Saturday. As we all know, people over 90 are quite busy during the week – Saturday is their time to catch up on shit they didn’t get done, I guess. I’m in line, waiting for the clerk to process the coupons for the OLD lady, and answer her questions about God knows what. Only when the total is given did the OLD lady set her check book down and begin writing. Maybe she needed the little narrow table to write out the bank I.O.U. I don’t know. But I do know this: OLD ladies purposely take FOREVER to fill out a check while in public. These are the same jokers who can play along with Wheel of Fortune and who can whip up dinners for 12 in no time flat. They know what they’re doing. Whatever happens at age 80, some sort of perverse thrill is had by OLD people in taking their sweet time completing certain tasks. Driving among them. Writing a check at a pace slower than a snail is one of those small pleasures for them. They love it. As an OLD, they know their time is limited and that everyone else is in a hurry. Damn them, they say, I’ll take control of this show and slow IT ALL DOWN!! And they do. Like when your anti-virus software turns on to UPDATE and your computer slows to a crawl.
The OLD lady completed her check in just under 3 minutes. There are only 4 lines on a check (Date, Payee, Amount, Signature; five if you count the Memo field, which perhaps is the problem. At least she had a ballpoint pen and not a pen and ink jar circa 1779. When she asked the clerk what the date was for that day, I rolled my eyes a million times, hoping the security cameras would catch my impatience and call a CODE RED, all cashiers to the front ALARM. They did not. OLD lady, I thought, you could have filled in the DATE this morning. You left the house with a mission: get your hair done and go to the store. The date was probably on your countertop in BIG LETTERS! You probably read the DATE on the newspaper masthead at 5:30 am in the morning. You get up SUPER EARLY so you should know the DATE since you’ve been up longer than any of us!!
Finally, the OLD lady finished her check and left – I wished everyone around me a Happy Birthday because I was sure that while in line someone had turned a new age. I suspect that by the time I arrived home ten minutes, she was just pulling out of the store’s parking lot.
OLD and YOUNG People LISTEN: you have every right to write a check for your purchase. But please, please, please – while standing in line, feel free to fill out the DATE, STORE, SIGNATURE – do it for no other reason than that it is in the Patriot Act.
MARK WIBERG 
