I’ve been following this story on and off for the past day so I know what I’m talking about. Apple is holding a press conference tomorrow about the super awesome-performing iPhone 4.0.
So, here are some things to look for tomorrow.
1. If Steve Jobs is there, he’ll be in blue jeans, because that was hip some time ago. I’m not a dress prude, but maybe give the denim a rest, gazillionaire.
2. They will congratulate the public for discovering ‘the flaw’ and camera crews will rush the stage while Ryan Secrest appears and announces a brand new game show “So You Think You Can Spot A Design Flaw” where each month, a major tech company totally jacks up their popular products. Rumor has it that next month, the chocolate-covered PS3 will hit stores.
3. According to WSJ, a recall won’t happen. Instead, those with the defective iPhone 4.0 will mail it in, and receive a corrected version – while this may sound like a recall, it isn’t. Apple will tell you it isn’t. They’ll tell you that the SASE they send you isn’t necessarily for your Iphone but that if you get bored, and want to be without a phone for a couple of weeks (send your phone on a vaction, so to speak), then they’ll ask “why not use this envelope to send your phone on a trip?”
Okay, I thought this would be funnier but I’ll still post it and tag it ‘comedy’….anyway, go and read possibilities over at Gizmodo.
Okay, we’ve got the pieces in place now. Ms. Anna Amanda “What a Country” Chapman is headed to Russia, and word is she will be swapped back into the U.S. under the Wife Swap television show. In just a matter of months, she’ll be giving orders to some disgruntled fat farmer husband and his two brats.
Anna Champion - Queen of Hearts. Spy. Probably also a twihard.
If AZ passed a law declaring all illegal immigrants to be foreign agents (spies), could they offer a prisoner swap with other countries? Where is Tom Clancy when you need him to explain all this? Is he back to selling insurance? Why are we only getting 4 prisoners for 10 spies? Is that the exchange rate now? What is it to China? North Korea?
The real question is why the rush? Did they want to get these people out of the country in time to watch the World Cup finals? Lindsay Lohan’s hearing on Wednesday took longer than processing these 10 spies. With ten of these spies, certainly there’s more out there and so I offer the tv pitch: “So You Think You Can Spy!”
The two brightest people in America will go at it on Thursday, October 2, 2008 – they will match wits, trade barbs, be wily. But enough about Andy vs Dwight from “The Office!” (NBC is so in the tank for Andy Bernard, it makes me sick. They should just let Dwight win Angela!).
The other event – Joe Versus the Barracuda. Spoiler alert: America wins! Because I have been following for, oh, about twenty days, I think I can provide expert analysis on this whole debate thing between the Veeps (veeps is insider talk for VP which stands for Vice Prez, which stands for Vice President).
Biden plans to leave half his IQ back in Delaware, "because," he says "he want's the debate to be close."
Sarah Palin will be wearing – just joking!!!! I’m not going to describe what a female politician is wearing because that would be sexist. As long as she looks hot, then I’m all good with whatever she says. Joe Biden will be wearing the same suit he wore in 1972 when he left his lucrative one-year career as a lawyer and traded down to be a politician.
The debate will start with lame thank yous to the host, the audience and the building hosting the debate. Except Sarah Palin will say “thanks, but no thanks” to an offer of a glass of water.
The “moderator,” Gwen Ifill, will ask a series of incredibly stupid questions. Both candidates will answer them with their standard campaign-rally answers. But HERE, on this site, is a preview to some of their answers. I won’t give away the questions. I’ll let you hear those on Thursday night.
EXCERPTS OF ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS YOU’LL HEAR ON THURSDAY NIGHT:
Biden: “I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one of them.” (the crowd will oooh and aaah – the next morning Jay-Z’s record label will file a suit against Obama-Biden).
Palin: Biden, Hemingway called, he wants you back in that boat and on the sea pronto!”
Biden: I know foreign policy. I’ve been everywhere. When you’re from Delaware, you want to travel! (the next day, Delaware Chamber of Commerce files a lawsuit against Biden).
Palin: I read newspapers. Both sides. And I have seen all three Bourne movies, so, please, I know foreign policy.
Biden: I didn’t hear the question, Gwen. I was busy admiring my last answer.
Palin: My favorite SNL skit this season? Oh, I’d say the one with the Joe Biden parody. Oh, you say that hasn’t happened yet. Interesting…
Palin: Hillary Clinton is a woman with 18 million cracks.
Biden: My wife is one of those cracks. One of the good ones. (the next day, his wife files for divorce)
The debate will end with a handshake – between “moderator” Gwen Ifill and Joe Biden. She will nod to him like “see, I told you and O that I was gonna do you a solid.” Biden will act like he knows what she meant but later will ask Obama – “what’s a solid?” He will say “it’s like a favor,” but Biden will still feel like it means something else and remain suspicious of his exotic partner and politician.
As everyone knows, Henry Paulson is the Secretary of Treasury, and a banned candidate from the MacArthur Fellows Program (aka ‘ “Genius Grant”). And he’s been busy this week convincing everyone that saving these big loser banks is vital. Apparently he doesn’t think the Economy should be in one of those FAIL photo threads that are shared in emails around the world and if I had more time or interest, I would make one up.
Hey, guess who is not getting a "Genius Grant?"
Instead, I got Mr. Paulson on the phone, because I owe some money and I wanted to see if I could get it included in the bailout.
Mark Wiberg: Hi, Secretary of Treasury Paulson?
Henry Paulson: Call me HP.
Mark: Are you sure? Like the computer?
HP: Yes. Please. HP.
MW: Okay, HP. Hey, before I begin – you are the top dog at the Treasury Department, right?
HP: Yes I am.
MW: Did you see that movie National Treasure?
HP: I did, on an airplane some time ago.
MW: Is any of that true? Maybe we could use that treasure to help with the bailout? That stuff looked pretty real. It’s up in New York, I think, under Wall Street.
HP: (laughs) Yeah, sure it is.I don’t think that’s going to happen.
MW: What about National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets’ treasure?
HP: Again, I don’t think that the movies were entirely accurate in regards to the vasts amounts of treasure found.
MW: I dunno. I would maybe take a look at those movies again. It seems pretty accurate to me. Where did you go to film school?
HP: I didn’t go to film school.
MW: I see.Bad reel?
HP: What?
MW:Nothing. Listen, HP, I owe several thousand dollars to some very important people because I just had to have every DVD ever made and a kick-ass television that is so friggin’ flat and hi-def that’s it’s just sick. I thought they were all going to increase in value because sometimes DVDs go out of print and you can make like an extra $70 sometimes on a disc. It’s all pretty complicated business investment stuff tied in with major companies like Ebay and Burger King – I don’t have time to explain it – I just need action now. Can I lump my debt in with the big boys. Out of $700 billion, my money is like a drop in the ocean.
HP: I think we can help you out. And by “we” I mean everyone.
MW: Cool. Hey, can I ask you another question?
HP: Sure.
MW: Treasure of the Sierra Madre. Any chance that could help us?
HP: I don’t think so.
MW: Whatevers. I’m just saying “think outside the box” – if you’re going to pay off my debts, I want to make sure you do it in a responsible way, that you think of everything. But just make it quick!
Secretary Henry Paulson denies that the treasure from the film National Treasure could be of any use. I think he is a liar.
The Ask Jeeves phone is due to arrive in 2015. (photoshopped by a blind monkey)
When I’m not ‘blogging’ about made-up stuff, I’m searching the globe for state-of-the-art technology. A lot of people are looking forward to the Google Phone, but I say, why have Google when you can have Jeeves? The Ask Jeeves phone hits the market in just 7 short years. Get in line, folks!
SEVERAL REASONS the ASK JEEVES PHONE RANKS ABOVE the GOOGLE PHONE:
-The Ask Jeeves phone will be touch screen on EVERY side of the phone, with fingers or tongue. That means you can dial your friends by licking the side of the phone.
-You can name your phone whatever you want. No stupid “Android” associated with it. I am going to call my phone “Jeeves” – it’s just a name that came to mind.
-The phone will replace “Please Say A Command” audio direction with “Please Say A Command Five Times Before I Can Understand It!”
Remember – 2015. The Ask Jeeves phone. The future is here, in 2015.
MARK WIBERG 