humor

Terminator 3 Robot Inspires Creation of Cindy McCain 3000 Robot

~ Wiberg ~ 1 Comment

As the new Cindy McCain 3000 robot finds its way into the hearts of America, details behind the robot design can now be revealed. Designers admitted today that the T-X, from the masterpiece film Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, was the inspiration in creating the CM3K.

Rise of the McCains
Rise of the McCains - New Robot Wows America

Designers also admitted the the reported “broken wrist” was, in fact, a mechanical defect that had to be repaired in Reston, VA.

“The CM3K was designed in campaigning in mind, but we did not anticipate the amount of pressure placed on the robot limbs with all the handshaking,” reported one engineer.

The decision to go with the T-X design was an easy one. “We’re not going to build a politician’s wife to be ordinary. We wanted to go with a popular robot design and our research poll numbers indicated that the ‘hot’ model from the movie T3 was the way to go.”

Joe Biden – Private Sector Employment History Revealed! Young, Dumb, and Full Of

~ Wiberg

In a two minute investigative report using the internets, mostly Wikipedia, vice-presidential candidate Joe Biden’s private sector employment history was revealed, providing a stunning insight into the Delaware Senator, listed here:

1. Practiced Law in 1969.

1969 Employee of the Year
1969 Employee of the Year at Biden Law Offices

In 1970, Joe Biden was elected to a County Council position, and from there, went on to represent in the U.S. Senate, effectively ending his private sector employment history.

Even more impressive, Joe Biden currently lists his net worth between $59,000 and $366,000, making him one of the poorest current Senators. As one unnamed Senator put it: “Biden has done the impossible: he’s managed to be in the U.S. Senate for 30 years and not get rich. What a loser.”

Biden explained his financial situation to my imaginary friend. “I didn’t go to Washington to get rich. I went there to work. And, yes, had I known I could have made loads of money in D.C., I would have. For sure. I was young, dumb, and full of cumulative blue collar experiences that I thought I could use to help the public.”

Obama: “We’re Not Going to Be Bullied!” Reality Responds: “Um, Yes You Are.”

~ Wiberg

Bon Jovi superfan and presidential candidate Barack Obama today said that his campaign “would not be bullied.” He issued this statement at a Bon Jovi concernt, in front of dozens of NJ residents.

Obama can hear music five miles away
Obama can hear music 5 miles away.

When asked to name his favorite Bon Jovi song, Obama responded: “Living On A Prayer, of course. A Christian prayer, by the way, because I am a Christian and nothing else.”

In 2004, Bon Jovi helped John Kerry all the way to 2nd Place in the Presidential contest!
In 2004, rocker Bon Jovi helped John Kerry all the way to 2nd Place in the Presidential contest!

Obama added that they were not going to be smeared or lied about.

The McCain / Palin campaign responded quickly. “Once again, Barack Obama is wrong. He was wrong on the war, wrong on the surge, and he is wrong at the Bon Jovi concert. He will, in fact, be bullied, smeared, and lied about. That’s what we do and that’s what they do. It’s called politics and, like making sausage, it gets kinda ugly.”

Later, a reporter was able to ask vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin what her favorite Bon Jovi song was, and she responded without hesitation. “Thank You For Loving Me.”

Sarah Palin - Slippery When Wet? Or just a Blaze of Glory?
Sarah Palin - Slippery When Wet? Or just a Blaze of Glory?

Other candidates weighed in.

Joe Biden: “No idea who Bon Jovi is, sorry.”

John McCain: “Let me get back to you on this. I have seven of their albums, I’m just not sure which ones.”

Oprah – Pro-Obama, not Pro-Mamma – Sarah Palin denied by the O?

~ Wiberg

Today the Oprah Winfrey show announced that if Sarah Palin wants to be booked on her tv show, she will have to write a fictional memoir filled with all sorts of goodness. Or join a crazy cult and talk about stupid movies.

Oprah released a statement, transcribed by her best friend Gayle, who recently completed a course in stenography.

“I totally wish I could have Sarah Palin on the show but unfortunately, she’s a politician. Barack Obama is not a politician, he’s just a simple man trying to save the world, one elected office at a time. I wish Sarah all the best and hope she will appear on my show next year, after this campaign is over. But I know she won’t because she’s going to lose. Thank you. That stupid bitch should pay me to have her on the show. Gayle, why are you still typing? Stop typing. Did you cut out that last part? Good.”

Oprah Winfrey and some unidentified apolitical community organizer
Oprah Winfrey and some unidentified apolitical community organizer

As pointed out later to Winfrey that Gayle did not “cut out that last part.” Ms. Winfrey released a second statement: “I am sorry for any offense I caused in my earlier statement. Using those kinds of words is not who I am. It has taught me a lesson – to get a new stenographer.”

Americans Already Bored with Same Old Alaska Governor Type

~ Wiberg ~ 2 Comments

This week, a study of message board and comment posts across several hundred websites indicate that a growing number of Americans are already growing tired of the current Alaska Governor, Sarah Palin, and her attempts to lead the Republicans to the White House.

“So many Alaskan Governors think they know better,” one voter wrote on a message board that didn’t require a username/password. “Do they not get that Alaska and Hawaii are, like, totally far away and really don’t know what it’s like to be American.”

Sarah Palin, just one of many Alaskan Governors trying to mettle in American political affairs
Sarah Palin, just one of many Alaskan Governors trying to mettle in American political affairs

Another commenter, with 417 posts and an avatar of a laughing baby, vented to her fellow messageboarders: “From Walter Hickel to Bill Sheffeld, these Governors from this stupid state that is somewhere near Canada, think they know what’s best for the country. Why don’t they just stick with what they know – fishing, bears, and igloos.”

Governor Bill Sheffeld - just another know-it-all Governor thinking his state is part of the United States.
Governor Bill Sheffeld - one of the first know-it-all Alaskan Governors who believed his state really mattered to the rest of the country.

Obama campaign managers described the anti-Alaskan Governor trend as expected. “It’s something we saw in the numbers on our brand new Macs and wi-fi connection and clearly Alaska, as a state, needs to check itself before they wreck themselves. It’s like, just be glad we added you to the country. Don’t get greedy.”

Sarah Palin Speech Preview – No Teleprompter, Blindfolded, Earplugs.

~ Wiberg ~ 2 Comments

Republican party officials confirmed today that Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin will present her speech this evening using no teleprompter and while wearing a Alaska State Flag blindfold and earplugs.

“This speech is going to be easy for her. She’s totally relaxed,” one official stated. “We are not worried at all. She memorized the speech yesterday while shopping for maternity clothes for her daughter.” He added that they other issues to be worried about, like Palin’s as-of-now unnamed, married cousin, who is expecting twins, despite only living in a two-bedroom apartment in Anchorage. “We are concerned the Democrats will use this as an issue against Palin.”

Palin did meet the cousin twice in the past five years at two separate family gatherings and is said to have said “how are you?” to the younger 25-year-old cousin, causing concern within Republican ranks that the Alaskan Governor is too closely tied to her cousin, who has no plans to move to a larger living space.