Sarah Palin – One Heartbeat Away From Presidency? Probably Not. How Presidents Die In Office

A semi-serious post:

All week long, the world wrings its hand and thinks “if John McCain wins, Sarah Palin will be one heart beat away from the Presidency!!! OMG!

A review of Wikipedia’s page on Presidents Who Died In Office, indicates that Presidents generally don’t die by first losing their heart beat, ie ‘heart attack’, but by other, more preventable methods!

Four were assassinated (Lincoln, Garfield, McKinley, Kennedy), one died from pneumonia (Harrison), and another from gastroentitis (Taylor). Franklin Delano Roosevelt died from a cerebral hemorrhage.

Warren G. Harding was the only one, it seems, who died in office of a heart attack in 1923. Four presidents have been assassinated while in office, so that is a concern. But nobody goes around saying “If John McCain wins, Sarah Palin will be one bullet away or one uncooked steak away from the Presidency!! OMG!” because that would be tacky.

When he wasnt playing MurderBall at the White House basketball court, FDR was running the country
When he wasn't playing MurderBall at the White House basketball court, FDR was running the country. He died in 1945 from a cerebral hemorrhage, ending the longest presidency in U.S. history.

So, the chances any president is going to die while in office is slim to none. Joe Biden or Sarah Palin will just have to sit back, attend funerals and stay awake during the President’s State of the Union speeches.

And remember, this person is TWO heart attacks away from the presidency! OMG!:

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi sends pizzas and cheesburgers everyday to the offices of the current President and Vice-President.
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi sends pizzas, bacon cheesburgers, and donuts everyday to the offices of the current President and Vice-President.

Obama: “We’re Not Going to Be Bullied!” Reality Responds: “Um, Yes You Are.”

Bon Jovi superfan and presidential candidate Barack Obama today said that his campaign “would not be bullied.” He issued this statement at a Bon Jovi concernt, in front of dozens of NJ residents.

Obama can hear music five miles away
Obama can hear music 5 miles away.

When asked to name his favorite Bon Jovi song, Obama responded: “Living On A Prayer, of course. A Christian prayer, by the way, because I am a Christian and nothing else.”

In 2004, Bon Jovi helped John Kerry all the way to 2nd Place in the Presidential contest!
In 2004, rocker Bon Jovi helped John Kerry all the way to 2nd Place in the Presidential contest!

Obama added that they were not going to be smeared or lied about.

The McCain / Palin campaign responded quickly. “Once again, Barack Obama is wrong. He was wrong on the war, wrong on the surge, and he is wrong at the Bon Jovi concert. He will, in fact, be bullied, smeared, and lied about. That’s what we do and that’s what they do. It’s called politics and, like making sausage, it gets kinda ugly.”

Later, a reporter was able to ask vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin what her favorite Bon Jovi song was, and she responded without hesitation. “Thank You For Loving Me.”

Sarah Palin - Slippery When Wet? Or just a Blaze of Glory?
Sarah Palin - Slippery When Wet? Or just a Blaze of Glory?

Other candidates weighed in.

Joe Biden: “No idea who Bon Jovi is, sorry.”

John McCain: “Let me get back to you on this. I have seven of their albums, I’m just not sure which ones.”

Oprah – Pro-Obama, not Pro-Mamma – Sarah Palin denied by the O?

Today the Oprah Winfrey show announced that if Sarah Palin wants to be booked on her tv show, she will have to write a fictional memoir filled with all sorts of goodness. Or join a crazy cult and talk about stupid movies.

Oprah released a statement, transcribed by her best friend Gayle, who recently completed a course in stenography.

“I totally wish I could have Sarah Palin on the show but unfortunately, she’s a politician. Barack Obama is not a politician, he’s just a simple man trying to save the world, one elected office at a time. I wish Sarah all the best and hope she will appear on my show next year, after this campaign is over. But I know she won’t because she’s going to lose. Thank you. That stupid bitch should pay me to have her on the show. Gayle, why are you still typing? Stop typing. Did you cut out that last part? Good.”

Oprah Winfrey and some unidentified apolitical community organizer
Oprah Winfrey and some unidentified apolitical community organizer

As pointed out later to Winfrey that Gayle did not “cut out that last part.” Ms. Winfrey released a second statement: “I am sorry for any offense I caused in my earlier statement. Using those kinds of words is not who I am. It has taught me a lesson – to get a new stenographer.”

Americans Already Bored with Same Old Alaska Governor Type

This week, a study of message board and comment posts across several hundred websites indicate that a growing number of Americans are already growing tired of the current Alaska Governor, Sarah Palin, and her attempts to lead the Republicans to the White House.

“So many Alaskan Governors think they know better,” one voter wrote on a message board that didn’t require a username/password. “Do they not get that Alaska and Hawaii are, like, totally far away and really don’t know what it’s like to be American.”

Sarah Palin, just one of many Alaskan Governors trying to mettle in American political affairs
Sarah Palin, just one of many Alaskan Governors trying to mettle in American political affairs

Another commenter, with 417 posts and an avatar of a laughing baby, vented to her fellow messageboarders: “From Walter Hickel to Bill Sheffeld, these Governors from this stupid state that is somewhere near Canada, think they know what’s best for the country. Why don’t they just stick with what they know – fishing, bears, and igloos.”

Governor Bill Sheffeld - just another know-it-all Governor thinking his state is part of the United States.
Governor Bill Sheffeld - one of the first know-it-all Alaskan Governors who believed his state really mattered to the rest of the country.

Obama campaign managers described the anti-Alaskan Governor trend as expected. “It’s something we saw in the numbers on our brand new Macs and wi-fi connection and clearly Alaska, as a state, needs to check itself before they wreck themselves. It’s like, just be glad we added you to the country. Don’t get greedy.”

Sarah Palin Speech Preview – No Teleprompter, Blindfolded, Earplugs.

Republican party officials confirmed today that Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin will present her speech this evening using no teleprompter and while wearing a Alaska State Flag blindfold and earplugs.

“This speech is going to be easy for her. She’s totally relaxed,” one official stated. “We are not worried at all. She memorized the speech yesterday while shopping for maternity clothes for her daughter.” He added that they other issues to be worried about, like Palin’s as-of-now unnamed, married cousin, who is expecting twins, despite only living in a two-bedroom apartment in Anchorage. “We are concerned the Democrats will use this as an issue against Palin.”

Palin did meet the cousin twice in the past five years at two separate family gatherings and is said to have said “how are you?” to the younger 25-year-old cousin, causing concern within Republican ranks that the Alaskan Governor is too closely tied to her cousin, who has no plans to move to a larger living space.