road tour, part 5, transcript.

So, i’m on the road, finishing up OR – great people, I don’t care what Idaho says about them. I thought I’d share a transcript of tonight’s show, even though it hasn’t happened (hey, that’s how showbiz works, man):

Transcript: (dated 8/7/08):

(MC brings me on stage, gets my last name wrong).

Hi. Hey, thanks MC for getting my name wrong. Good one. There is no L in my name, moron. What? No, I’m just saying, you got my name wrong. No, don’t come back up here. No, don’t. Okay, I didn’t mean anything by it. Just, please don’t get my name wrong again, if you don’t mind. I’m sorry. I said I was sorry.

(to audience): Good to be here, Chicago!

Ahhh, just kidding. Or j/k, whatever. What’s up with Portland? Are there enough bridges here, or what?

Could it be any duller here? Hello? (to audience member): What?

Yeah, I’m getting to the jokes. Just chill out – not my fault you only had enough money for one beer. Eat some chips and check your cell phone. I’m sure you have a lot of calls coming in.

Okay, so I like coming here to Oregon cuz I like to say “Lake Oswego.’ Lake Osweeeeeeego.

Hmmmm….this seems like a good crowd. I was at a show recently in California and all they wanted to hear were jokes about celebrities. And really the only celebrity impression I do is that kid from “Eight Is Enough.” Or was it from “Different Strokes?” I dunno – I get them mixed up but here goes:

“Whatchyou talking about Mr. Bradford?” (audience groaning).

Can someone give me the light back there? (no response).

Okay, anyway. What was I saying? Oh, yeah. I’m from wine country? When I told my grandma that I worked in wine country, she said she worried about me living in a foreign land. I said, ‘it’s not like that Grandma – you should visit me’ and she’s all ‘I can’t, I don’t have a Visa’.

(audience member): LAME!

Thank you, thank you, but this isn’t a word association game. You know, I don’t hear that too often, the whole heckling thing. Nowadays, when someone feels like heckling, they just text message it to their friends. But I see you’re alone, so you’re forgiven.

—————- end of transcript —————–

ha ha ha – did you think I’d really post a transcript of my set – that’s like giving away the store, man. I’m on the road to do comedy – I ain’t out here, driving around and getting lost and too afraid to ask for directions and working hard only to just post stuff. Hey, if you want free comedy stuff, go to YouTube, where there are millions of hilarious comedy videos.

Okay, so I’m off to Washington this weekend to do a three night gig in the city. It should be a good ol grungy time. I don’t think Washington folks are tired of the word ‘grunge’ – I hope not.

mark and dat
Dat Phan and Mark Wiberg after the show in OR. Guess which one is me! Now guess which one is Dat? Dat Phan is a successful comedian who was the first Last Comic Standing on NBC. I met Dat in San Diego 10 years ago knew instantly that he would go far. But when I say 'go far' I really meant "move far away." That didn't happen (luckily for him, cuz he's doing great!)