Oprah – Pro-Obama, not Pro-Mamma – Sarah Palin denied by the O?

Today the Oprah Winfrey show announced that if Sarah Palin wants to be booked on her tv show, she will have to write a fictional memoir filled with all sorts of goodness. Or join a crazy cult and talk about stupid movies.

Oprah released a statement, transcribed by her best friend Gayle, who recently completed a course in stenography.

“I totally wish I could have Sarah Palin on the show but unfortunately, she’s a politician. Barack Obama is not a politician, he’s just a simple man trying to save the world, one elected office at a time. I wish Sarah all the best and hope she will appear on my show next year, after this campaign is over. But I know she won’t because she’s going to lose. Thank you. That stupid bitch should pay me to have her on the show. Gayle, why are you still typing? Stop typing. Did you cut out that last part? Good.”

Oprah Winfrey and some unidentified apolitical community organizer
Oprah Winfrey and some unidentified apolitical community organizer

As pointed out later to Winfrey that Gayle did not “cut out that last part.” Ms. Winfrey released a second statement: “I am sorry for any offense I caused in my earlier statement. Using those kinds of words is not who I am. It has taught me a lesson – to get a new stenographer.”

Wasilla, AK Mayor Dianne Keller to follow Sarah Palin – aims for the White House!

Sept 2, 2008. Wasilla, AK (MW):

Current mayor of Wasilla, Dianne Keller, has today announced her intention to run for Vice president of the United States in 2016. In her statement, she said she has “totally big plans and stuff” for when she occupies the Vice Presidency.

Mayor Dianne Keller and future Vice Presidential candidate
Mayor Dianne Keller and future Vice Presidential candidate

With all the attention former Mayor Sarah Palin has received as John McCain’s pick for vice president, Mayor Keller has been able to quietly form a committee designed to get her into the White House in 2016. She has 12 years of city council and mayorship experience and so is currently more qualified than either Sarah Palin or presidential hopeful Barack Obama, according to local Alaskans.

Although it is 2008, Diane Keller is a politician who prefers to remember the past – keeping the 2006 Mission and Goals statement on the website as of today.

“The past is where it’s at,” Keller said. “That is why, like, when I am elected Vice President in 2016, I’m going to make sure that everything is done like it was two years prior. That we freeze time for two years.”

Keller describes her self as a radical independent. “I will totally vote or not vote for someone, and I don’t care what any of them down at Chepo’s say.”

A private person, Keller says she has already been vetted by none other than former Senator Fred Thompson. “Yeah, he called me and said in 8 years he will be ancient enough to run for the presidency and he would consider me for vice presidency but that I gotta clear up some bills I have at the Fred Meyer’s.”

Obama and Palin phone call: transcript revealed!

On Friday, August 29, Senator Obama telephoned Governor Palin after John McCain selected her as his vice-president nominee, wishing her luck, but not too much. Here’s the transcript:

Obama: Hello, Sarah?

Palin: Yes, this is Sarah Barracuda.

Obama: It’s me, Obama.

Palin: What’s up?

Obama: Not much. Just working the campaign trail.

Palin. That’s so awesome! Hey, can you wait a sec? I have to put Trig down.

Obama: Sure.

(20 seconds of muzak)

Palin: Okay, I’m back.

Obama: Hey, good luck with your campaign.

Palin: Thanks!

Obama: But not too much luck! (chuckles)

Palin: Excuse me? “Not too much luck?” What the heck does that mean? What the heck are you saying, sir?

Obama: You know ‘not too much luck.’ It’s a joke. Listen, I was kidding.

Palin: Why would you call someone to wish them partial luck? Are you sick?

Obama: No, I’m not sick, it’s just, you know, it’s “good luck and all” but it’s not like I really want you to win this thing.

Palin: You don’t? But you called to wish me luck?

Obama: Partial luck.

Palin: What is wrong with you, sir?

Obama: Nothing. Listen, I’m sorry.

Palin: Really? Are you sorry or partially sorry.

(silence)

Palin: Hello, Senator?

Obama: Partially sorry, I guess.

Palin: I thought so. Y’know, Senator Obama, I appreciate the phone call but my other Blackberry is ringing. Good day.

Palin: Hello, this is Sarah Barracuda.

Joe Biden: Hey, Sarah. It’s Joe.

Palin: Who?

Biden: Joe Biden – senator from Delaware. The state with more people than Alaska? Near Maryland.

Palin: I’m not familiar with either of those counties, but go ahead.

Biden: I just wanted to call and wish you good luck.

Palin: Well, that’s very nice of you.

Biden: But not too much luck! (chuckles)

Disconnect.

(by mark wiberg)

Joe Biden Counters Sarah Palin choice with New Makeover!

Responding to the Republican candidate John McCain’s selection for Vice President, today longtime Senator Joseph Biden, of DelawarenotPennsylvania, revealed that he is actually younger than he has let on in the past. He is not 66 years old, but in fact 46, as seen in this new photo, released by the Obama campaign:

Without his aging disguise, Biden reveals a much younger man on the Obama Biden ticket
Without his age-disguise, Biden reveals a much younger man on the Obama Biden ticket (crude photoshop by mark wiberg)

“It’s true,” Biden said. “I’m 45. Or 46. Whatever. I lied about being older when I first ran for Senate because back then I was only 15.” He added that he has kept up the white, thin hair look long enough. “And I wear glasses just like she does. I am more experienced at wearing glasses, however. And I’m also a woman.”

DNC, night 3, Clinton, Biden! part 2

A preview of Joe Biden’s speech:

It’s an honor to be here tonight to share my IQ with you fellow Democrats. As a senator for many, many years, I know what change is all about. Change is what you pull out of your pants pocket and put on the kitchen table and stare at, when you’re hungry from walking to and from the train station. And sitting at that kitchen table, you wonder if you can stack that change, mostly quarters and nickels, as high as you did the night before so you begin stacking the change on the kitchen table and then it all falls down and that is bad, America. You do not want your change to fall down on the kitchen table or anywhere else.

If you’re against change, then you’re against me and my change. You’re for something else that I don’t know anything about. I come from Pennsylvania, a state that I will mention a lot over the next few months because it’s a swing state, but I represent another state you care nothing about, a state the size of a Walmart. So I am a Regular Joe who comes from two states, one of them a swing state, with only the change in his pocket and one kitchen table. I have had the same easy job for 35 years and that is something every American knows something about. I take the train to work – who doesn’t, right? All it takes is a little change to get there and back. And did you see how I brought the “change” motif back into my speech. Pretty lame, I know, but remember that next time you ask me to write my own speech. Remember, a vote for Obama is a vote for me, a regular joe, who happens to know how Washington works.

The phenom - Spaghetti Biden
The phenom - Spaghetti Biden